|OMG, that was a sad story! I've read it all with pleasure and anticipation, and the ending was... hm, unexpected. It all reminded me a computer game like "Dragon Age", with Tevinter mages, who also were slavers, and assassins.
Your language is vivid, the emotions are clear and strong, and you definitely did a good job describing actions. For me, this is the hardest part :)
Keep on writing!