I think that the opening may have been a little stronger if there were some doubt of whether she would be there or not.
When the character was walking up trying to hid his nervous ness, you might show something to demonstrate that.
When he walked into the Dairy Queen, were there anyone else in the shop? Teens licking ice cream cones, etc. Was the milkshake machine whirling, Just a little to make the place a little les sterile.
When they greeted the main character said her name. When she answered it might be good for her to say “Hi Bill” or who ever the character is so we get to know him as well.
The main character mentioned a family, was he thinking of cheating on his wife?
I believe this is a good beginning, keep on writing.
I think the closing line is the best. One thing I would suggest is Have Cathy look around and see the grandeur of Fenway. Have her take in the color of the grass, the running lanes, maybe some players warming up. Have her in awe of the place, it will help draw the reader in.
I find the dialog a little stiff, I’m no pro but I was told to go to a Starbucks and just listen to people talking to each other. There is a rhythm to speech that you as a writer can take advantage of to increase tension or relax the scene.
Great idea to bring in a real episode into the story it adds authenticity to your tail.
Good job keep at it.
Your prose is quite heterogeneous
Though superfluous in verse
Quite compelling in competing
One individual against another
When taken at the same time
Become intertwined
Sorry, I am not as adept at this as you but it is very well put together.
This is a very interesting premise and could be a great lead into a novel about Phyllis and her husband raising their children.
The only criticism I have is that you show instead of telling. It just makes the story more personal and appealing.
I look forward to you expanding this into a nice novel.
Dr. Gupta,
It is my opinion that you are correct on the fact that morals and ethics should be taught in schools. They should start in preschool and continue through the highest levels of education. Regarding the issue of religion in schools, I disagree.
The Bible says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. (knowledge)” Where we disagree is in which Religion to allow to shape the minds of our children. Now I am a follower of Jesus and believe his teachings lead to a proper ethical and moral direction in my life.
Many do not agree with me, especially here in America where everyone seems to believe that you can do your own thing as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.
I’ve had the privilege to be in other countries, Europe, Turkey, India, and Africa, and have observed the ethical and moral decay in certain segments of those societies as well.
We have seen the decline of ethical and moral standards, especially in the western world and I don’t believe that just teaching right and wrong in schools will eradicate the problem.
It is also an issue as to whom we look to for the definition of moral and ethical practice.
It will take a change in a person’s heart, as it did for me, to turn them from immoral to moral purity.
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