|Kraky the Snowman
How I noticed this story/essay:
Your friend purchased this review from an auction as a gift to you, with the
message "Merry Christmas",
First impressions- half way through reading it:
I'm not familiar with both the Church and Halloween, thus i can't remark much about the content.
No grammar nor spelling problems detected.
I found narration style a bit too informal.
What held my attention (and made me read on):
Cynthia, and her special gift.
First impressions- end of first reading:
I'm not sure what to make of it. I presume there indeed were cases of poisoning during Halloween, and you wrote your story around one such incident.
After taking a close look:
I thought the ideas presented in the paragraph "Because I’ll have a guardian angel by my side..." were not ordered optimally. Reading through it, i was puzzled for a bit before seeing the answers.
"...to grab what I assumed was the special candy..."- i found the phrase in bold misleading. I was expecting that upon pouring the contents of the bag, there would be something non-candy.
The following are extracted from a guide list in "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor -
Overall, the characters were believable, but I felt a little more could be added.
Overall, the story glided, but at times stumbled.
The dialogue is excellent.
What I liked:
It seemed that my denunciation of them had only piqued her curiosity and made her all the more eager to add her thoughts to the great debate." - i thought this was a wonderful observation, expressed beautifully.
“Okay, hold my hand,” I told her as we prepared to cross the street.
What I disliked:
nothing in particular
She was the type of kid who was so adorable that you couldn’t help but smile along with her." - i think this sentence is not very convincing. Perhaps you could instead describe how Amy smiled and then your readers will smile with her. Not easy, i know.
"As I returned, she was ripping open the new wrappers and devouring their contents." - this created the impression that Amy was shovelling the candy into her mouth in an uncivillised manner. The words ripping and devouring conjure an image of hurry and haste. And that they were put one after the other. Perhaps try something like "...she had already opened the wrapper of a mini Snikers bar and was contentedly munching on the candy." ?
“My tummy really hurts,” Amy stated. - maybe you can better illustrate the magnitude of the problem by telling us Amy's facial expression, posture or other details?
"...and even distributed the tainted treat to four other children as well." - i am not sure, but i think this sentence has some redundency in "even" and "as well".
These are merely my ideas. Please do give it a thought if its of any use at all before taking action. They are nowhere being near hard and fast rules.
If you want a similar review on your stories/essays, I'll happily do it (within time constraints). Do drop me a message.
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| ||Invalid Item |
This item number is not valid.
#906459 by Not Available.
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