Backhand

Struggle with worthlessness

"You worthless piece of #?@!"
What I say to myself when
I get up in the morning
I know it's not true, not healthy
not right
But it's what I know
Especially when I can't
find my keys
or I forget to feed the dog
or I have a fifth brownie

"You are ugly and stupid"
What I hear in my head
when I forget my homework
or make a bad decision
Though I don't know how my looks
tie in with my intellect.

"I don't know how someone so stupid
has managed to survive!"
The urge to go to the mirror
and just slap myself- truly slap myself
so that I'll get what I know I deserve
is almost unbearable
I'm not into cutting or biting
But I know that one day
I'll slap myself until I'm crying
until it really hurts, until
I can't see for tears. The pain in my
face only serves to distract from
shame in my heart.