by Rose Grey
looking in a window a young woman finds more then just her reflection...
|The window glinted in the sun, my blue eyes staring back at me. The restaurant through the window was sparsely occupied, myself outside its walls surrounded by sunlight and warmth. The spring day was warm and bright making it perfect for the walk I was undertaking. Passing by this window, as I have done countless times before, I was compelled to pause. Looking at the reflection given back by the obsessively clear glass I couldn't help but wonder just what lay beyond those blue eyes.
For many years I have tried to figure that out, just who was behind this face? Even though I knew that who I have always been is a part of who I am, what else have I yet to reveal to myself? What hints have I given, trying to tell myself what else lives with in me, that have gone unnoticed? Were there even any indications or have I hidden this other side of me too deep to be found? The thought that I do not truly know myself frightens me tremendously.
The gray of my gaze over turned the blue, like storm clouds hiding the clear sky, as I pondered these questions. The deepest of my fears is hating myself once the truth is revealed to me. What if there are good reasons for my keeping this other side locked up for what I have lived of my life? That somehow I know that this is actually someone I never wish to meet. Such a thought drives me farther from my quest of self- realization and deeper into my forthright persona.
What do others see when they look at this petite blonde haired, blue eyed woman? Can they see the conflicts that battle within my mind? Do they sense my unease with myself? Of those questions, I know the answer to the last. My confidence level must be felt, rather the lack of it. Being overly quiet and shy has to give away the unease I feel around people and with myself. There is no denying it. People must see the distrust I have for myself.
For some, that knowledge could be the launch pad for misuse, but for others it is not. There is always the good and the bad of it, though sometimes there are great actors mixed among the general population we meet in our lifetimes. It is those actors that should be eyed, for they might be the ones with something nasty to hide. Although, there are those actors who are really just hiding their own insecurities and are just better at hiding them than someone like myself.
There are times when I think of myself as being a fair judge of people, but when I really start to think about it, I begin to see another view. Exactly what do I know of people? There have been rare times when I've sensed something...off...about people and been right. Generally, though, I go by what I can gather from interacting with them. In some cases it's just being around a person, but not the only one they are with.
What I might see and hear and learn from these events could one day be revealed as false; that the person in question was really hiding a nasty secret. The other case being that it was all truth. Once again I am sent wondering about myself. Could others see me as fake, once they are allowed to chip away much of the brick that surrounds me? I have layers much like a good cake. Although, I'm not saying I am as sweet. I'll leave that up to the person making the observation.
Though I have been blessed with good luck when it comes to people, having not been hurt severely by any one person, or group of people for that matter. While I feel I have made more friends then I seem to have, it is the greatest of them that still remain at my side. Time is a good test of the truth of a person. So far those I've been with for time have proven truthful. Others, who are now lost to the ocean of the world, were not meant to stay. This does not mean that they were fake, just meant to grace my life for a shorter time than others. Then there are the ones that were fake, the ones you are glad that they are gone. I will miss the good ones and try to leave the others behind.
A sigh escapes me as I realize that I am no closer to realizing me. That the maze I am putting myself though has no signs of an end. I can't help but think that I am sabotaging my own efforts at peace, but will the truth give me peace? That is an assumption and the fear of making a fool of myself for it hinders me.
At the rate I am traveling my life will remain on the course I have given it. Onward toward monotony and loneliness. Without change I will find myself ten years from now stopped before this obsessively clear window, pondering these very questions. So I ask myself, how do I change? How can I trust in myself? Move on with the confidence that I have been lacking?
In the end, I have to take a deep breath and small steps. Time might not be on my side, but that is what I need to make this transformation work. Time and Courage are what I need to turn my life from this window and on toward a new window with new questions.