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Rated: 18+ · Essay · Experience · #1200379
An essay on healing and surviving
This is a very personal and emotional piece for me. If reviewing please know that the ony changes I will be making is spelling and minor grammar problems. Thanks for stopping by. I hope you are blessed by the reading of my work.                             

Encounters with Christ

I stand in the shower, water running down my back, tears running down my face.  Feeling more lost and alone than I’ve ever felt before.  Crying out in pain, crying out in fear, Lord please help me I feel so lost and alone!  I’m an orphan in a cold and cruel world.  Loneliness is my companion, take the pain away!  God, please hold me close.

And grace ran down, washing over me.  Holding me close in your arms, you dried my tears, kissed my cheeks and healed my hurts.  Told me you are never alone.  Never alone.

Sitting at the foot of the cross, having been showered with your love I still wonder why I am here.  So many thoughts are going through my head.  Why did you die for me, why would you care?  Who could care for me?  How can I change to be worthy of your love?  Basking in the glow of the candles, you touch me.  You tell me I can never be worthy on my own, that you will always care.  You created me to be in your image. I can never change myself; I have to open myself to you.  Only you can heal time’s wounds.  Only you can make me over into what you would have me be.

And grace flowed down.  Washing over me.  Bringing me closer, touching my heart.  Telling me I am worthy, that I am loved.  Healing me, caressing me, bringing me into your loving arms.  Reminding me I am never alone.

Kneeling in the church, crying at the altar, feeling yet again lost and alone.  Why, my Father, does it hurt so much?  Why won’t it go away?  Why do I have to hurt?  I know you love me, know you care…what am I doing wrong that the pain continues?  I know I need to let it go.  The harder I try, the harder the pain, the shame, the fear clings in my soul.  So what am I supposed to do?

And grace poured out.  You hold me close.  You whisper in my ear.  I will take it away.  But your time is not mine.  I will use your pain; I will use your fear, your shame, to heal another.  Open yourself to me.  Allow yourself to feel.  Share the pain, the shame and the fear and not only will you be healed, but you can make a difference.  You can be more like me.

Sitting in a chapel, looking through the crowd.  Looking for a familiar face, though there are those around I know.  Looking for one who has the memories, for one who understands.  Crying on the inside, life has not been what it should.  I don’t want to be lost and angry, I want to know what to do!  I want to know it will all be ok.  I don’t want to be angry with the one I love the most…yet how to forgive the hurts, the angry words, the fear?  Heal me God!  Heal my marriage!  Fix the brokenness, as only you can.  I know I’m on a journey; I want to be like you.  But I feel like an idiot…bobbing back and forth between hope and understanding…or depression and fear.  Why can’t I hold onto the first, why does the latter have to exist at all?  Is there something I can do, something I have done?  Where am I going in this world?  I will go where you want me, if I can figure out where it is you want me to go.  Is here where you want me?  Heal me Lord, help me Lord, and take the hurt away.

And grace flowed down.  I feel your hands upon my shoulder, your touch upon my soul.  You take the anger, pain, and fear and in its place leave hope.  Your family will make it my child, let me guide this journey.  Know that I am in control, that nothing happens without my consent.  I will use it all and more and I will use it to your benefit.  Do not despair, look only at me and all will be well.

Sitting at the computer, typing because you have sent me here.  Listening to the radio, trying to get into the music.  Trying to get into the music because it is within the music that I seem to be able to quiet my soul enough to hear your voice.  I long to be close to you always Lord.  I want to know you more.  I want to be like you.  Today has not been a good day.  I have been angry and depressed.  Alone and blue and I don’t know where to reach out at.  No one seems to understand or care…yet in reality that is a lie… for I know there are those who care…but I don’t want to bother them.  I’m tired of always being the one in need.  Why Lord?  Why yet again am I in tears?  Yet I know, in my heart of hearts that it is in the tears, in the release that I can even begin to heal and let anyone in. 

And grace abounds.  The tears have stopped and once again I am calm.  I do not have a direction; I do not have a clue.  I do not have anything Lord, except for you.  I fear for my family, I fear for my marriage.  I fear for my friends and this world Lord.  But I know you are in charge and you will keep us safe.  You will wipe the tears away and you will right the world.  I fight depression because I don’t allow you to do the fighting.  I need to trust in you and in your timing.  Wipe away the fear Lord and give me peace.    Thank you for your grace, thank you for your life.  Thank you for all you have done and your willingness to do it…just for me.  I will strive to make you proud, Father God.  Mold me into what you would have me be, use me Lord to touch your people.  Heal me Lord so I can help others to heal.  Touch me Lord, I pray.  And I sit in your arms, feeling your presence.  Absorbing your spirit.  Feeling less alone than I have in awhile.  I still don’t have any answers Lord.  Still don’t know where I’m going.  But just resting in you, is enough.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you Lord.
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