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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1265971-My-Political-Campaign
Rated: 18+ · Interview · Comedy · #1265971
I'm waiting for a campaign to come to this.
I'm running for mayor of my city. I never knew the hard work which goes into a political campaign. Advisors, strategists, pollsters, spin doctors, volunteers, it takes a lot to get a campaign rolling.

Well so far I'm pleased to announce that we've been running a clean campaign focusing on the issues at hand. Minimum wage, school funding, the new ballpark we're trying to pass; things have been moving forward in a positive manner.

My opponent would have you think otherwise. I refuse to get into the mudslinging, 'turn attention away from my own failures' type of campaign. However, I must address some of these accusations.

Once, when I was eighteen, I did try marijuana. It was for medicinal purposes as I thought I was suffering from glaucoma. Turns out, I was just drunk.

When I was pictured in the Times two weeks ago wearing what appeared to be a Nazi uniform, I can explain. This was taken at a costume party twelve years ago and I was going through a "phase". I want the record to show that I am not a Nazi, and that I feel the holocaust was not good.

It is true that I was convicted of statutory rape when I was nineteen. The girl at the time was sixteen. However, she ended up becoming my wife, despite the misgivings her father has about me.

I have never, ever, pushed an old lady down and stolen her walker. I once told my grandmother to "go suck an egg". But I was young and she told me to clean up my room so she kind of deserved it. I also must confess, yesterday an old lady cut me off in traffic and I gave her the finger.

Embezzlement is kind of a strong word don't you think? I would say I "appropriated" funds.

I honestly did not know it was against the law to hire illegal aliens. Like I said, running a campaign is tough work.

I did NOT egg my opponent's house, contrary to what she would have you think.

I did get pulled over and arrested for driving on a revoked license. That was a mistake and I apologize. But man, that was a wicked ass GWAR concert.

Come on, everyone has tried to make crystal-meth out of their basement.

Yes, I know, parents who host lose the most. I get it now.

In conclusion I would like to say, that while some of these accusations may be true, do not let them influence your vote. I am the right candidate for the job and come election night I am certain we will be victorious.

I would also like to say that my opponent is a lying cunt douchebag who throws babies on spikes. She also believes in late term abortions and wipes her ass with the American flag. Good night.
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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1265971-My-Political-Campaign