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Rated: 18+ · Other · Comedy · #1266395
The title says it all.

When I first started drinking I was, like most others, very uneducated in my actions. So, to help out the younger generation, here is a collection of things I have learned from alcohol.

I have learned that in Kansas City you can buy a "pitcher" of kamikaze’s for $8. This "pitcher" is 32 ounces.
I have learned that in St. Louis you can buy a pitcher of kamikaze’s for $36. This is a full 1 gallon pitcher.
When you spend $36 on a pitcher of kamikaze’s, you are obligated to finish it.
With 2 people, it takes approximately 1 hour to finish said pitcher. It takes 16 hours to sleep off the effects of drinking it. And, you should have your stomach pumped afterwards.

I have learned that under no circumstances, will Goldschlager and tequila mix well.

I have learned that when you are in a band, and part of your payment for a gig is in free beer, nothing good will come out of it.
After playing a gig with free beer, if you have to lug a 130lb. tube amp down 2 flights of narrow-ass stairs, you will bruise your ribs and sprain your wrists.
It hurts like hell playing with bruised ribs and sprained wrists.

Stay away from anything that uses the word "schnapps" in it.

Beer only tastes good once your taste buds are numb

Drinks that have cute names like "sex on the beach", "flaming nipple", or "cherry bomb" will only lead to vomiting.

I have learned that bar owners don't care how much money you spend in their establishment if you pass out on a table. Apparently $250 does not make up for looking like a lush.

I have learned that 155 pounds of dead weight is much, much heavier than 155 pounds of weights.

If you are able to climb up the stairs in your house before you pass out, don't let your wife trip over you in the morning. A sharp kick to the ribs when you're still drunk hurts a lot.

I have learned that if you have to travel through East St. Louis to get back to your friends apartment, and you have to throw up, you have to do it out of a moving vehicle.
I have learned to make sure the back window is rolled up before you attempt to throw up out of a moving vehicle. You can imagine the mess it makes if you don't.

If you don't make it in to your friends apartment and someone else does, you will be blamed for their actions.
When your friend thinks you puked on his leather couch and turned the cushions over to hide it from him, he gets pissed.
I have learned that alcohol affects the memory.

You have to know what kind of a drunk you are before you go out in public. Angry drunk, happy drunk, lovey dovey drunk, they can all lead to problems if you are not careful.

In regards to beer again, any color beer is still beer and tastes like piss.

If you are not ready for it, alcohol and cigars do not mix. Don't try to light a whiskey soaked cigar in your mouth.

If you are drunk at a concert and act like an ass, when you pass out you will get the holy hell kicked out of you.

I learned that the best drink is the next one.

I learned that if you pass out on your naked friends stomach, you will be blackmailed for years because of it.

Stick with 1 thing. Whether it's beer, vodka, rum, whiskey, scotch, stick to 1 thing and you'll be fine.

If you aren't tough before you drink, guess what. You aren't tough once you start slurring your words.

Money doesn't last long once you start drinking.

Most movies or TV shows can be made into drinking games.

I have learned that it's fun to lose those  games.

If a keg of beer costs as much as a 24pack of beer, it is not good.

It is even worse after sitting out of refrigeration for 3 days.

I have learned that if you chip a tooth on a frosty mug, that $5 beer will cost you $300.

I have learned that when you're drunk, you talk louder. This does not work if you are in a public place, on a cell phone, discussing the people around you. Some of them become offended and upset. Especially the people you are making fun of.

Grain alcohol eats through a Styrofoam cup. Imagine what it does to your insides.

It might sound like a good idea at the time, but shot contests are pure evil.

Ethanol and Alcohol are two different things. You can't run a car off of alcohol. Though I have not tried, I have seen the results. It does not work.

You'll notice there's nothing in here about wine. That's because wine is not alcohol, wine is a sissy drink for yuppy-cocksuckers. Have fun holding your pinky in the air while you drink.

DO NOT bring credit cards to a bar. You will regret it.

I have learned that alcohol only makes you dumber. If you're already an idiot, you should avoid alcohol at all costs.
If you do drink, please don't walk across the street to mouth off to the mayor of your town. Keep your mouth shut and stay away.

I have learned that your friends will appreciate you bailing them out of jail, but it only leads to more dumb behavior

And the two most important things I have learned from alcohol:

Always, always, always eat before you drink.

Never, ever drive under the influence. It’s not a coincidence you have to survive AA before you can receive AAA.

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