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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1299497
Rated: E · Column · Comedy · #1299497
Take A Walk On The Number 2 Side - a bit of bathroom humor
      I have always thought a community bathroom in the workplace should only be reserved for Number 1 and not Number 2.  There are many words to describe Number 2. – I call it and pronounce it du-du.  It’s a kinder word than most I’ve heard so we’ll just go with that one. 

      I have told many of my friends in my office that we need to reserve our du-du for home.  If a woman doesn’t think theirs don’t stink they have another thing coming because a woman can stink up a bathroom just as raunchy if not worse than any man worth his grain of salt.  Some community bathrooms should have a sign posted “Enter At Your Own Risk”, or “Gas Masked Required”.  What’s really bad is people will talk about how bad it is and, sure enough, will get back to the person who is doing it.  Sad, I tell you, sad. 

      There is a sign posted on the paper towel dispenser in the ladies’ bathroom where I work. It states, “If you leave your “essence” please use the provided can of air freshener - if you have to use half the can, kindly leave $1.00.”  I noticed last week there was $15.00 in the kitty so far. 

      I know who has to leave her share of one dollar bills at my office. Whenever we ladies see “Sally” heading for the bathroom we steer clear.  No one would dare go in while she’s in there and most of us will wait 15 minutes after she comes out to make sure the air freshener has kicked in.

      Entering a bathroom reeking with doo-doo burns your nose hairs, waters your eyes, and makes you gag. What are these people eating to make it stink like that?  I sincerely hope their entire family isn’t eating the same thing. Imagine their bathroom at home and I guarantee you won’t find a single can of air freshener.  Heaven help ‘em if they have more than one bathroom and they all have to go at the same time.  Good Lord A’Mercy!

      Every single morning, I get up, drink my coffee, and puff on that cigarette to wake up (there I go again, Surgeon General, talking about that cigarette).  As soon as at least one eyeball is open I head for the bathroom because my du-du is as regular as a heartbeat.  I sit on the pot playing my handheld Black Jack game as I grunt, groan, and strain until that 10-inch turd finally plops out.  After I’ve finished all that I can weigh myself because I would have lost 3 pounds.  And I have my own air freshener at home because I know mine stinks. 

      If you people are not fortunate to be that regular begin a regime of Metamucil as quickly as you can.  At the very least it will help you sit there, grunting, groaning, and straining to plop out, at a minimum, at least 25% of it.  That way you can get to work on time, hold it until lunchtime, and dash to the nearest 7-11 store and finish the other 75%. 

    I tell you what, you just don’t play around with community bathrooms. You will leave your essence that could linger for hours.  Mark that down in your little daybook. 

    Until next time…..take a walk on the Number 2 side.

....take care....SaraJane.....

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