A Simple Gesture

A simple gesture from someone in the past could do so much more than they think.

A Simple Gesture

         Recently, I was inspired to write this article after reviewing an item from a member here in writing.com, in which they apologized to someone they hurt and felt this apology was long overdue.
   

         Growing up as a child of a military family I had my fair share of moves. I was always concidered the new kid in school and therefore, for that fact alone, I was always put down and picked on. I was never overweight, didn't wear glasses and I wasn't smart enough to be considered a nerd. I was just considered ugly for the simple fact that I came to these schools from no where and had nothing of importance to offer this new school except a new face in the crowd to get used to. I refused to conform to their ways of doing things: refused to do drugs, didn't have sex, wouldn't change the type of music I listened to, just to fit in.

         In the long run, I guess that I hurt myself more than others would have thought by not conforming. Maybe if I would have changed even just one thing about myself, I would have been a happy child knowing at least I could pretend to have friends.

         Because of the abuse I suffered from my peers at school, I began to believe those words and eventually I shut myself off from the outside world. So even when someone found some sort of interest in me, my reaction was always "yeah right, what's next? You going to pretend to be my friend then play some sort of trick on me later, once I become comfortable and open myself up? I don't think so, thank you for nothing."

         I reached a point where I put myself down and began to think my own family felt the same way about me as everyone else. So I eventually shut myself off from the people who loved me most, sinking furthur away from the outside world, hating myself and everything about me. I grew accustomed to lonliness and found comfort in the four walls of my room.

         At age 13, I started to write and from then on that is all I did. I found my inspiration in events occuring at school to others: broken hearts, dating, sports, early motherhood from those girls who were concidered popular because they would have sex with any one who showed the slightest interest in them and then those who were tricked into thinking someone actually cared enough about them that they felt it was okay to have sex with this person because they would be the only one.

         Anyway, as I reached high school, my sophmore year, I finally was able to call one place home, but by this point all the damage had been done. Although I was not picked on or called names as often as my early childhood, being ignored completely was just as bad.

         By my junior year, I did start to open up, but only if confronted. I never sought out friendships, I sat back and waited for them to come to me. Again, in the long run I only ended up hurting myself.

         Now at age 31, I don't have childhood friends or even adult hood friends, mainly accuantances. I still don't talk to my family and I am concidered a guarded person and once I'm comfortable enough to talk to people, I worry about what they think of me once our conversation is over and they have walked away. I wonder if I said too much, asked for too much, or didn't show enough compassion for their problems, only focusing on my own.

         In my own marriage and with my own children, I do not express my feelings when I'm hurting, which in turn, my oldest has picked up on and is now doing the same. I can not tell my husband when I'm upset with him, I shut down and shut myself away instead, which has caused our marriage a lot of hardships in the end.

         My reason for this write is to say that I think if only one of those people who made fun of me way back when, was to come to me today, out of the blue, and apologize for anything, even one ugly thing they said, it would make me a better person sooner rather than later, even if only to myself. Just for them to admit they were a kid and didn't realize their words could cause someone so much pain, until later in their own life.

         I am a forgiving person, sometimes I consider myself to forgiving, but there is no need to hold grudges against others. It only causes myself more pain. I don't even hate all those who picked on me, I believe they were just being kids, but just to hear an apology would help myself deal better with the outside world and I think it would help me have a better relationship with others who actually do feel concern and caring towards me and want my friendship and love. I have so much to offer just bottled up and away, guarded from hurt.

         Now honestly, how many people remember someone who hurt them in the past and think if that one person was to make a sincere apology, it would take the world off your shoulder or at least a chunk anyway?
I thought so.