A Challenge To Overcome

This is something that I have thought a lot about resently.

A Challenge To Overcome

         I'm not afraid of dying and going to Hell. I've already lived through it and survived. What scares me the most is getting to Heaven's door and having it slammed in my face. It's not that I think I deserve to have this happen. I have asked God for forgiveness of my sins. It's just that because of all that I have tried at and failed, I don't doubt it's bound to happen. Well actually in all honesty there is one reason i feel that it should happen and that is because I can not forgive one person in my life, my mother. I lost trust in her when I was 8 and never was able to gain that back and we have never had a good relationship since. I feel like a hypocrit sometimes because I ask God to forgive me, but even though my mother would never ask for forgiveness I know that even if she asked today, I would not be able to grant it to her. What I went through at 8 was a terrible thing to happen to anyone and I'm not ready to discuss it right yet, don't know that I ever could in full detail, but the thing that gets me is she still denies it happened even after all these years. That is why I can not forgive her. She made me the untrusting, shy person I am today.
         I have never purposely hurt someone and I try my best to never crush another person's feelings. I have lied to save my own skin as well as avoid a fight with others. I know I'm not the best mother in the world and I feel like I should try harder. My kids are all amazing in their own way and I try to tell them that often. I'm not the best wife I possibly could be, but that's not because I haven't been trying. I feel like I am the best at friendship that I possibly could be, but there is always room for improvement. I try to think of others before my self, especially those who are in desperate need, whether it be a stranger, family or friend. I admit I want materialistic things I think would make my life easier and happier, but I would gladly give it up to help another. I have tried a lot of things and failed and admit I gave up instead of trying harder. I honestly don't think I have accomplished yet what I was put on this Earth to do and I admit I have no clue what that purpose is. I haven't followed all the doctors orders on taking care of myself after my mild heartattack because mostly I've become lazy, in all honesty. I think others felt I was a deppressing person to be around when I was younger because of my insecurity towards people. I say there are a lot of good things I want to do to help others but my excuse for not doing any of it is financial instability in my own life. Which really is no excuse at all is it?
         I hope that I don't die before my children are old enough to have a family of their own. There are a few things I have done in my life that I am proud of myself for, but there definately are other things I have yet to accomplish. I have decided to take steps forward to achieve my goals and I admit I wish I could do them all at once instead of one at a time. I also know that baby steps in the beginning will lead to  off and running in the end.
         I tend to focus on the negative things that have happened in my life instead of the good I have thus far accomplished. Which is why I fear Heaven's door shutting on me instead of welcoming me in. I hope that by the time it is my turn to leave, I will have changed my fear into a challenge to overcome.