A fiction of the spiritual heart
Believing in the sun from which rain falls, eternally this dark and overcast day serves as a reminder to all that I have done wrong. A sleet of rain, drenching me to the core, I cannot find a way out of this, not one that I can think of...
These puddles of mud that splash against me from the passing of cars, soaking me with filth. I'm not concerned. I chose this path, through means by my own actions, throwing away salvation that once would have saved me...
Along this long, deserted road, in which I walk alone, there is not one person to help me in my time of need. This I know by the actions of others, actions of myself that have caused this present turmoil within my heart. Looking down at my feet, one foot at a time, as they crunch on the wet gravel of this worn and battered road, my mind racing with things I never know existed within me. A coldness of emotions that I never thought existed...
Why am I gone? What am I to do with myself? Is this the path I chose for myself, since chidhood? When all I recieved was grief through my life and misunderstanding because of who I am as a person?
With a tear trickling down my eye, combined with the rain that has soaked me through, I wander eternally down this road, not thinking of the rain that, even now, seeps its way under my clothing and freezes my blood solid. Ice... My this life I lead has been one of cold understanding; not caring about the expressions of others. There wasn't any point, when the world beyond my field of vision remains as harsh and murderous as the secret desires of the human soul. Why am I thinking these things? Why should it matter to me what the world is like? Build it better! Yes... everything's going to be alright.
Still,, this is the present, and I can't escape the injustices of the world, can't escape the injustice that resides in my heart like a plague - infecting everyone I encounter with a deadly poison. I chose this path, alone and seperated from everyone else in this life, and that oddly reassures me. Why? I'll never understand...
Not one person understands me, not one person asks to be my friend... but I 'm not concerend with trivial matters. The life I lead now, through the person I am, alone and without a home, I am free to do as I wish. Bliss.
Aching and cold, this rain, it has brought me to the end of my tether. I can't go on. One step seems so far away... yet, in the horizon, I see a being with long hair, not one whom I have seen before.
I stop, exhausted from my constant travels and watch as this being slowly approaches. His mouth opens, words of an unknown language, I can hear...
I 'm not sure what this means. Sadness, pity, kindful help from those I do not know... I feel like an alien, cast out from society throgh invisible words and expressions of hatred. I've banished myself . It's my security blanket, to not be around anyone. But even as this strange man approachess, cast in the rainbow mist of the rain upon his parasol, I'm not tempted in the least to turn and run.
Then, I'm standing face to face with him, and I am handed his parasol, neat and crisp, with colours of red and blonde imprinted on its oval form. I nod once in a gesture of thank you, and the stranger nods in return, without a word and continues down the road, the rain quickly drenching him.
I ask, without thinking, "What is your name, Sir?"
"I have many names." Is his simply reply.
"Please, I cannot accept your only umbrella," as I stared at him through the pouring rain. I don't deserve this stranger's kindness, not like this...
"It is a gift, my love," the man said without looking back. "After all, a beautiful lady like yourself, should never be in such as state."
"Have you travelled far in this rain? Seen a lot of things?"
"I have seen many things. And these last few years I have watched you. I have secretly fall in love with you..."
A bow of the head, the man places his hands inside the pockets of his soaking pants and starts walking once more. A cold breeze flutters past, washing the rain hard in my face. I shiver as the parasol in my hand quivers. I can't help but smile in the darkness, caused by the rain, as the man vanishes from sight in the darkness of the night.
Everything I thought previous until now seems nonsensical. Wandering thoughts of a travelling road show... the trees that line the roadside, skeletal fingers that seem to reach out for me and strangle me... the world is my stage and I'm acting out this tale of self-absorbed depression, like a Shakespherean play...
I shiver, not from the cold or the thought of doom that pervades these thoughts of mine, but how carefully I let my imagination play tricks on me. The road before me is deserted, leaving nothing but the silence of my endless walk. The parasol spluttering from the rainfall, making as little noise as I trudge along this muddy track.
"I have seen many things..."
How uncanny is it, that I still hear his voice long, after he disappeared. Like a ghost, I never saw one through the shadows, nor knew what he was telling me...
"I have watched you..."
Mysterious words that mean nothing from one that I have never known or met before, yet they're strangely familiar... an enigma, of sorts. A hallucination, perhaps? Still, as I look up at the parasol that drips with the rain and feel the handle clenched in my hand, this is real...
Memories return in front of my eyes, flashes of beautiful trees and flowering green gardens I haven't any memory of. What...?
"I have secretly fallen in love with you..."
A heart beat flutters within me, filling me with a warmth that I can almost remember feeling before. I stop walking; the mud around my feet caking my shoes, splatters dripping off my jeans. The rain has subsided without my knowledge. Strange. As I look around, the things that both comforted me and scared me, has changed this night.
My eyes close from exhaustion, my vision that was blurred from the remnants of the downfall are finally able to rest. Rainfall... tears... I'm positive that they are a mixture of both that have stopped me from seeing what I wanted to see of this world. I'm cold and tired, my legs shake beneath me as though all strength has left them...
From far away, I can hear... something... A low whistle that seems to be growing closer with each passing second. What...?
"And these last few years..." Again, stronger this time, but also softer, somehow...
More sounds emerge from behind my eyelids, different than everything else. Confused and jumbled, like they're colliding with each other in a state of disarray. These voices talking at once are drowning my head, but still I can hear the man's voice clearly.
My eyes flitter open through strength that makes my legs quiver more. I reach out to hold onto something, anything, but there's nothing on this road to stop me from falling.
My vision is blurred still; the forms around me are ugly comparisons of their true self. I wipe away the water and tears with my free hand, and suddenly, a yelp escapes my lips, surprised of those who now surround me. A gathering circle of people looking down at the roadside, shock, sadness, disbelief, all showing in each their eyes. The wailing of sirens pierces the air, growing louder with each passing second.
I stand in the center ring of the circle, facing the crowd. Confusion about the state of things. Where did they all come from, when up untill a moment ago, I was alone on this trek? What's going on?
From the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of the familiar. Standing at the back of the crowd, in what seems like a clump of bushes, the same mysterious man is watching me, his hazel eyes sparkling not with sadness or showing the tears of sorrow, but... It's an emotion I can't place...
He dips his head down once, his long hair now drooping flatly over his shoulders. All I can do is look at him with wonderment.
"After all, a beautiful lady like yourself, should never be in such as state."
Sparks of realisation run down my spine, knowing what it is that I should have known all this time. I don't want to look down at my feet, but I find myself doing so.
The sound of wailing continues to grow louder as I slowly turn around, facing each member of the crowd in turn and peering into their hearts. I see things I never knew would have been present in anyone. All their hopes and fears, all of their joys and everyone they've loved in this lifetime... What they secretly want to do with their lives... Everything's seeping out of them in a long flowing river of warmth that greets my being in a way that tears start to surface once more in my eyes.
I don't need to see what's at my feet anymore, because I can already see it in my heart. Although I can feel the tears running down my cheeks, I don't feel one bit sad about this. They're now tears of happiness...
I turn to face the strange man once more, somehow knowing that all I ever wanted was to be with him...
I ask once more, "What is your name, Sir?"
"I have many names," he replies and holds out a hand, a smile touching his lips that cause more tears to fall from my eyes.
I move through the crowd and gently rest my hand in his, smiling. All that I have known and all that I have been was always within my grasp. This depression of life that I've lived... it was all for preparing me for this one encounter...
"After all, a beautiful lady like yourself, should never be in such a state."