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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1436902-Neck-Romancer--Star-Commander-Episode
by Geoff
Rated: 18+ · Script/Play · Comedy · #1436902
S2 Ep14 Fuzzywidget is falling apart - we need a corpse!

This is one of my favorites from season two.  I will mix in some scripts from the original series as well as new ones.  Please feel free to critisize and give me pointers.  I am looking for an editor to help me on this project.  Don't forget to print out a copy of the Quick Character Sketches from my port so you know who's who!  Thank you.

Written by Geoff Cook

                                                                                                         Printed on
Film Type: Animated Comedy Series                              SEASON:  2
Film Length: 20 minutes (until canceled)                    EPISODE: 14

Neck Romancer

SCENE 1 – Command Center.  Fuzzywidget is talking to Star on the Video Relayer.  Fuzzywidget is sitting comfortably in a chair in his house, “Casa de Fuzz”.

FUZZYWIDGET: Hello, Star.  (Fuzzywidget is sawing off his own leg.)

STAR:  Sir, what are you doing?

FUZZYWIDGET:  Star, I hate to say this, but I have developed necrosis. 

STAR:  You have a dead sister?

FUZZYWIDGET:  No, stupid.  Random chunks of me are dying.  In fact, my left leg is dead.  I need to dispose of it, so I can get a new one from a compatible donor.  (An attractive young female named Felicia walks in.)

FELICIA:  Very compatible.  (She’s looking at Fuzzywidget with a smirk.)

STAR:  Who’s that?

FUZZYWIDGET:  Oh yes, this is Felicia, my willing donor.  I bought her on G-bay.

FELICIA:  It will be an honor to have you hobbling around on my leg Fuzzy Wuzzy!  Oh, you’re so… old!

STAR:  Sir, do you even have the same blood type?  Or leg length, hair growth pattern, leg dimension, or any common traits?  How will you walk if your knees don’t line up?

FUZZYWIDGET:  Star, I would cut my good leg off for the chance to hobble around, enjoying these legs on a daily basis.  Wouldn’t you?

STAR:  Uh, hehehe.  (He starts cutting his own leg off.)

FUZZYWIDGET:  Star, she only has one left leg.  (His ear starts drooping.)

STAR:  Oh.  (He continues cutting off his left leg.)

FUZZYWIDGET:  Star, Felicia is doing a very selfless thing here donating her leg to me.  The only other way to get a decent leg is to go to Necrometon.  But its far too dangerous and it would just be easier to mutilate this beautiful young lady.

FELICIA:  He, he!

STAR:  Sir, I will let no harm befall this beautiful young donor.  I will go to this necrophiliac planet and retrieve all the zombies you need to replace your dying body.

FUZZYWIDGET:  Star, I am in awe of your selflessness.

STAR:  So if I save Felicia from mutilation, can I have her?

FUZZYWIDGET:  I don’t see why not.

FELICIA:  So what part of your body are you missing?

STAR:  Hmmm…my heart.

FELICIA:  OW.  Good luck on your mission.

FUZZYWIDGET:  I’ll send you mission instructions immediately Star. Fuzzywidget Out!

FELICIA:  Fuzzy Wuzzy out…he he he.

SCENE 2 – Command Center.  Star addresses the gathered crew as the mission requests print.  I-Doc is running around in the background trying to cover up something.

STAR:  Well crew it’s off to Necrometon to win me a woman!

ANGELA:  Oh, God you’re a necrophiliac now?

STAR:  Uh, if that means I trade dead people for living people so I can date them then yeah.

BRANDI:  What?  I don’t get it, what are we doing?

STAR:  We’re grabbing a corpse for Fuzzywidget to cut up and use, so I get to keep some chick named Felicia.

ANGELA:  Oh, that’s low.

BRANDI:  Yeah, I’m not going to drag icky dead people around so that you can score a date with some brain dead bimbo.

STAR:  Dang it, if we don’t go on this mission, not only will I have nothing to do on Saturday night, but she’s gonna lose her leg, and I bet her ears are next.

SCENE 3 – Fuzzywidget and Felicia are talking at Casa De Fuzz.

FELICIA:  Oh, Fuzzy Wuzzy, you’re so cute!  (She touches his ear and it falls off.)

FUZZYWIDGET:  What?  Who said that?

FELICIA:  Oh, no.  I guess you’ll be needing my ears.  I better go take the earrings out.

FUZZYWIDGET:  Actually, let me see those…Keep ‘em in. they’ll go well with your high heels.

FELICIA:  Wow, Fuzzy Wuzzy, you think of everything.

SCENE 4 – Star continues addressing the crew as the mission requests come out.

ANGELA:  What?  Is this bimbo in some sort of medical trouble?

STAR:  Yes, if I don’t get a corpse, Fuzzywidget will be cutting her very succulent leg off to replace his leg, which is dying…again.

ANGELA:  Fuzzywidget is in trouble and we need a corpse?  This makes no sense.  Why not use a clone leg.

HENSON:  Aaagh!

UG:  Clones are useless for long term organ replacement as they are derived from a substance known as space chutney, which does not interconnect at all with human flesh.

BRANDI:  Hey, this is a legitimate mission request.  I mean Star gets to keep a girl named Felicia or whatever, but yeah, it says right here Mission request:  Get me a corpse from Necrometon.

STAR:  Ug, what’s on this Necrometon planet?  (Ug is holding a skull like a puppet.)

UG:  I don’t know, but everyone is dying to find out.

ANGELA:  Ug, you’re so clever!

BRANDI:  He is the cutest man-eating hideous monster I’ve ever seen.

STAR:  Put that skull down.

UG:  I am sorry.  Necrometon is a relatively new planet.  They only achieved planetary status sixteen years ago.  Prior to that, the planet was a mere asteroid inhabited by a middle-aged, balding man named Steve.  When the mafia approached him with a business opportunity, Steve agreed to use the small asteroid as a burial site for the mafia’s deceased friends.

ANGELA:  I don’t think they were friends.

UG:  Who’s telling the damn story, huh?  Do you have a vast knowledge of how this ridiculous planet came about?

ANGELA:  No, Sorry.

UG:  It’s OK.  (With the skull)  Actually, the minute asteroid became completely covered in burial sites and it was decided that more soil would be gathered from a nearby planet that frequently advertises free dirt.  After the mafia’s dumbest negotiator paid an outrageous sum for the free dirt, it was used to bury him and create a layer of fresh new gravesites.  Now, after many layers were added over the years, the planet is hundreds of times the original size and has been pulled into an orbital path by a dying star.

BRANDI:  So, why would we be able to find a useable corpse here?

UG:  It is now an intergalactic hot spot for corpses.  Many bodies are dropped off daily and many are quite viable for donor organs.  We could haggle with Steve in order to get such a body.  His devotion and respect for the dead, is easily diminished by cash.

BRANDI:  So Steve makes the rules huh?

UG:  Affirmative.

ANGELA:  How many people live there?

UG:  The only known resident Steve.  (He pulls out the skull.)  Although many people are dying to get in.

BRANDI:  Oh you.  So if Steve makes all the rules, what laws will we have to abide by while we’re there?  I’d hate to find out later that this planet is like Cuton.  I was arrested for petting animals.  How crazy is that?  (Brandi is singing like Snow White as animals surround her.  Then she is captured by busty women wearing “No petting” shirts.) 

STAR:  Why wasn’t I invited?

BRANDI:  Stay out of my head!

UG:  The only regulatory concern I would have is that if an intelligent creature dies on the planet, we are required to have a very expensive funeral service. 

STAR:  Yeah, so no one die, OK?

HENSON:  Yaa!  I’m gonna survive this mission!  (Star Blasts him.)

STAR:  I wouldn’t consider HIM intelligent.  We aren’t even there yet.

ANGELA:  You better not blast any Hensons while we’re there.  I don’t want to have a funeral for an over processed talking hamburger.

HENSON:  Hey, we’re more sophisticated than a hamburger!  (He dumps space chutney into the food synthesizer, then the same space chutney into the cloner.)

BRANDI:  Go blast all the Hensons now, so we don’t have anything to worry about when we get there.  (Star runs off blasting in all directions.)

ERNIE:  I-Doc, I need body bags.  What are you doing?

I-DOC:  Nothing!  Here ya go.  Go away.  (I-Doc pulls a bunch of body bags out of his chest on a spool.)

SCENE 5 – Command Center.  Close up I-Doc.  I-Doc finishes the necrolizer.  Ug is in the background reciting Shakespeare with his skull and Angela is plugging here nose.

UG:  To be or not to be?

ANGELA:  Oh, not to be, if it smells that bad.

UG:  Angela, I retrieved this skull from a very clean source.

ANGELA:  That smell coming from I-Doc.

I-DOC:  I’m working, leave me alone.

ANGELA:  Something’s wrong with I-Doc.  Usually he’s asleep by now.

UG:  Why, what time system is he operating by?

ANGELA:  It’s I-Doc,  I don’t think time matters.

SCENE 6 – Sexy Beast cloner, back of the Command Center.  Star is stuffing Hensons into a chipper, which empties into a bucket labeled space chutney.  He dumps it into the cloner and makes more Hensons.  He then chips the new Hensons.

HENSON:  Hi.  (Star shoves him into the chipper. As Ernie walks back in with tied up Hensons in body bags.)

I-DOC:  Ernie, I need to get rid of a…uh…what do you call a glass bubble full of rotten stuff that stinks and kills things and makes stupid humans barf?

ERNIE:  Oooh!  If I had one, I’d call it a necrolizer.

I-DOC:  What do you do with a necrolizer?

ERNIE:  You stick things in there to watch em rot.

I-DOC:  Cool.  Maybe I should test it out.  Hey, Brandi, before we go, we should see how a completely nasty ass rotten environment would affect you.  Someone needs to step into my latest invention…the…what do you call it?

ERNIE:  Necrolizer.

I-DOC:  Necrolizer.

BRANDI:  Necrolizer?  That’s my fresh air filter!

I-DOC:  I reprogrammed it. 

BRANDI:  Yeah right.  You don’t know anything about machines…and that’s pathetic because you are a machine.

I-DOC:  OK, I stuck it in reverse and stuffed some dead govitts into the filter.

BRANDI:  Gross!  Why?

I-DOC:  Idunno…bored?  Where’s my willing volunteer?

STAR:  Henson!

HENSON:  Don’t kill me!  How can I be of service?

STAR:  I need you to volunteer to be necrolized.

HENSON:  You’re doing what to my neck?

STAR:  I don’t know it’s a death thingie.

HENSON:  Oh, good that sounds survivable.  After I saw what you did to those last Hensons and the chipper…

STAR:  They fell.  Now get in.

I-DOC:  Brandi, please explain the necro thing to Henson, I’m tired.

BRANDI:  You don’t know how the thing works, do you?

I-DOC:  I don’t know what it is.

BRANDI:  You didn’t build it did you?

I-DOC:  Not really.

BRANDI:  So, what happened?

I-DOC:  I dropped some govitt corpses into the fan housing a month ago…

BRANDI:  How do you drop govitt corpses?

I-DOC:  OK, I hid them in the fan, because I didn’t want to walk back to the airlock, then it started stinking and I turned it on to blow the stink away and that made it worse, because the guts shorted something out and it was blowing backwards.  I put that glass dome from the floatie on it and put a tube out of a random hole that was in the hull.

BRANDI:  uh, huh.  So why is it a necrolizer?

I-DOC:  Because its full of dead stuff and Ernie says that’s what you call something that makes people rot.

BRANDI:  Henson.

HENSON:  Yeah? 

BRANDI:  Get in.

HENSON:  OK.  What now?

BRANDI:  Don’t worry about it.  If I-Doc’s explanation of how he completely sabotaged and ruined my air filter is accurate…  If I turn the fan on and open the hose to outer space…  (Henson smells something terrible and hair is floating around in the air around him.)

HENSON:  Oh God!  Help Me!  (It is muffled because of the glass.)

BRANDI:  Yep, it seems to be working.

STAR:  Good.  I can’t wait to see how safe we will be on this rotten planet.

BRANDI:  I-Doc, this is actually convenient, but never build anything again.

I-DOC:  OK.  Zzzz

BRANDI:  This is not good.  (Henson is rotting alive.)

ANGELA:  Oh, that is disgusting.  What’s going on?

BRANDI:  Well, when you are in an environment of rotting flesh, the rot spreads.  This is what will happen to us on Necrometon if we don’t get some anti-necrotic space suits built.

ERNIE:  How bout these?  (He is holding up a blazing yellow vest and bikini labeled “anti govitt bikini”)

ANGELA:  Ew!  We need our whole body to survive!

BRANDI:  Yeah, Ernie,  you can’t just take your stupid armor that failed on the last mission and try to use it to screw up this mission.

ERNIE:  It will screw up one of these missions, I swear!

ANGELA:  I think he just likes wearing it.

OG:  Has anyone seen my skull?  (He has a soggy, drippy head and his Mohawk is flopped over.)

UG:  No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.  (Talking with the skull.)

OG:  I knew it!  Every time man, you do this every time!  I swear, if you take one more bone from me while I’m sleeping, I’m gonna break all of your toys.

UG:  If you refrained from breaking and stealing my cultural items and toys to begin with, I wouldn’t be looking for stupid things of yours to play with.  And since you own nothing…

OG:  Fine, take your stupid bobble-butt alien.  It’s face is all screwed up anyway.

UG:  Actually, it is quite accurate.  Everyone knows that Volites have three butt cheeks and walk backwards with their asses in the air.

OG:  Oh, that’s a Volite.  Never mind.  Now I gotta figure out how to get this stupid thing back in my head.  (He starts stuffing the skull into his ear.)

UG:  Idiot, he’s stuffing it in the wrong end.

I-DOC:  Zzzz…Even I knew that…Zzz

SCENE 7 – Weapons Lab of the Sexy Beast.  Ernie and Brandi work on building suits labeled “Anti Necrotic Suits” using I-Doc as a staple gun, welder, glue gun and sewing machine.

ERNIE:  Alright, if we all wear these, we will be safe from necro dead stuff.

BRANDI:  Ernie, you stapled that anti-necrotic suit together.  It won’t work because it’s not air tight.

ERNIE:  It doesn’t have to be, it is a positive pressure system, see?  (Ernie inflates the leaky suit, starts floating, then gets scared.)  Oh God!  Help me!  (Brandi pops it.)

ERNIE:  Why did you do that?

BRANDI:  I was trying to save you, dumb ass.

ERNIE:  Who needs to be saved from pressurized air?

BRANDI:  Henson.  (Cut over to the rotting Henson.)

ERNIE:  Oh, yeah.  Hey, where’d my suit go?

BRANDI:  (Sigh)  Look, we’ll use the suits I made, they look sexier and I guess they’ll keep away the dead stuff or whatever.

ERNIE:  We’re always using your inventions, what about the stuff I invent?

BRANDI:  Your stuff kills everybody, and everyone on this planet is already dead.

ERNIE:  Dang it!  Somebody got here first.

SCENE 8 – Weapons Lab.  Star begins conducting all kinds of tests that kill the Hensons in horrible ways.  He mixes bubbling liquids in a lab environment, then uses tongs to dump them on a Henson.  Henson melts and another Henson steps up.  He blasts this one, the next one is handed a grenade, he blows up another steps up and Star hands him a stick of dynamite, he goes to eat it, Star shakes his head no, Henson pulls down his pants and star nods.)

BRANDI:  Star!

STAR:  What?  (There is an explosion and chunks of Henson go flying by him.)

BRANDI:  We only need to see how the necrotic stuff affects Henson.

STAR:  Yeah, but we have so many neat new ways to kill him!  I’ve been thinking of some crazy stuff and I just want to try it all out.

BRANDI:  Oh, that is new.  Have you tried frapilating?  (Brandi picks up a rod with an electric spark on the end of it.)

STAR:  Hmmm.  (Cut to Star and Brandi chasing Hensons with Frapilators, burning them.)

SCENE 9 – The crew flies into the asteroid belt surrounding Necrometon.

ANGELA:  We’re entering the asteroid belt.  Will you two stop screwing around?  (It’s a bunch of skulls with one coffin.  It opens and a vampire pops up.)

Vampire:  Blah!  Hello.  (Angela screams and flies away.)  It’s my approach, isn’t it?  Damn it, mother was right.  (As they approach Necrometon, they see dump truck ships making a big dirt pile.)

SCENE 10 – After they land, Hensons start pissing Star off.  Star is so tempted to blast Henson that he can’t stand it. The crew straps on their Necro-suits.

SCENE 11 – Planet Necrometon.  The crew approaches the main cemetery office.  They see a sign that says;  Steve’s friendly cemetery – No zombies guaranteed!  If you bury your dead with us, they stay dead.  If your relatives come back from the dead, we will hunt them down and kill them right.  Any humanoid that dies here has a right to a funeral unless the deceased waives that right.

STAR:  Alright, We’ll do the good cop, bad cop thing.  I’m the bad cop.

ANGELA:  What?  (The crew is confused as Star enters the mausoleum.)

STAR:  So Steve, where are the bodies?

STEVE:  I don’t know what you’re talking about.

STAR:  I think you have a skeleton in your closet.  (He opens a door labeled skeletons.  They all fall out and he gets buried.)

STEVE:  Ya think?

BRANDI:  Steve, ignore him.  We need a fresh body.

STEVE:  Oh, I believe that can be arranged.  (He holds a gun up to a girl zombie.)  So do you need a male or a female?

BRANDI:  Male preferably.  (He holds the gun up to the male zombie.)  NO DON’T!

STEVE:  What?  I need to put the instructions in my worker zombie so he will go to the male only side of the warehouse.  Get me a fresh one.  (He speaks into the back of the gun., which repeats his words in a zombie voice.) 

ZOMBIE MAN:  Ugh…me eat brain.

STEVE:  Do you guys need the brain?


STEVE:  Go ahead then.  (Repeat as a zombie.)

ZOMBIE MAN:  Ugh…me eat left butt cheek.

STEVE:  Do you need the left butt cheek?

BRANDI:  Yes, can’t we just go get it?

STEVE:  No.  Don’t eat the butt cheeks, just the brain.

ZOMBIE MAN:  Ugh…Oh, man me want butt cheeks.

ANGELA:  I was reading your sign Steve.  So how often do people come back from the dead that were buried?

STEVE:  Not often.

ANGELA:  So it does happen?

STEVE:  Yep.

ANGELA:  What do you do when it happens?

STEVE:  Back when the zombie uprising of Thursday happened, we only had twelve shotguns and mistakenly thought holy water would melt them.

ANGELA:  I’m sorry, did you say Thursday?

STEVE:  Yep, last Thursday about six hundred zombies were raised from the dead by some mysterious force.  (There is a nuclear missile stuck in the ground behind him.  It is leaking radioactive waste.)

ANGELA:  Uh, huh.  Where did they all come from?

STEVE:  Out that way.  (He points toward the leaking nuke.)

ANGELA:  So what did the zombies do when they arose?

STEVE:  Well they all went crazy and tried to kill humanity.  Luckily, if you blow up their heads they go away.

STAR:  Thank God!  (He blows off a Henson’s head, the skull lands on the ground.)

ANGELA:  What the?  (Angela jumps into the air holding  an attack position.)

BRANDI:  He was not a zombie.  I mean he was lazy and stupid and kind of mumbled crazy stuff sometimes, but I haven’t blown your head off…yet.

STAR:  I thought he was a zombie.

ANGELA:  Oh, no, we don’t have to bury him and go through all that crap do we?

STEVE:  Yep, I’m afraid so, unless the deceased waves his right to a funeral.

UG:  This is it, this is my moment.  I will spare the crew this hassle and the expense of a funeral with my God given talent.  (Og picks up the Henson’s skull.)

Ug with Henson’s skull:  I wave my right to a funeral.

STEVE:  What are you two years old?  Puppet master, dumb ass.  Zombies!  Prepare for a funeral!


SCENE 12 – Henson’s funeral.  Many Zombies are around wearing tattered tuxes.  One is shaking a body out of a tux from a coffin.  Zombies are serving drinks and their body parts randomly fall off.  No one is somber, the crew is annoyed.  There is an open casket with a headless Henson inside.  Ug is holding the skull.

ANGELA:  Isn’t there any way out of this?

STEVE:  Well if you can raise him from the dead, I’ll let you out of the funeral obligation altogether.

ANGELA:  How would we do that?

STEVE:  We see the Necromancer.  (The camera zooms in to Steve’s face.)

ANGELA:  Where would we find one of those?

STEVE:  I just hired one.  Let me buzz him in.  (He buzzes and Ed comes in)

ED:  Achoo!  (Ed sneezes and some zombies raise up under his goobers.)

ZOMBIE:  Ugh!  Me eat brain!

ZOMBIE 2:  Me prefer pancreas.

ZOMBIE 3:  Ungh.  Pancreas?  What the hell, you always do this.

ZOMBIE 2:  What?  You like brain…me like pancreas.  Get over it.

STEVE:  Oh, no The UNDEAD!  And they won’t shut up.

BRANDI:  What do we do?

STEVE:  The only way to kill them is to blow off their heads!

ANGELA:  Wait, they die if you blow off their heads?

STEVE:  No, they are undead, they can’t die, they’ve already died once.

ANGELA:  They’re not dead?

STEVE:  They’re undead.

ANGELA:  So we can’t kill them?

STEVE:  You can’t kill the undead.

ANGELA:  But they stop chasing us if their heads are blown off?

STEVE:  They can’t chase you when they’re dead.

ANGELA:  You said, we can’t make them dead, they already died.

STEVE:  Yep and apparently being dead didn’t work out for them.

ANGELA:  So what do you call someone that died, then came back and was undead, then you blow their head off?

STEVE:  I guess you call them unalive.

ANGELA:  Unalive?  That sounds pretty dead to me.

STEVE:  No, when you become unalive, you have gone through all phases of the death cycle.

ANGELA:  The death cycle?

STEVE:  Yeah it’s like the life cycle, but more dead or unalive, depending on how you look at it.

ANGELA:  I’m about to make you unalive.

STEVE:  Oh, geez, that would take forever!  You’d have to blow me up like six times.

ANGELA:  No problem.  (Angela cocks her blaster.)

BRANDI:  They’re still coming at us.  (The zombies walk very slowly as Star fires on them.)

ANGELA:  Nice aim, dumb ass.  (Star misses several times.)

BRANDI:  Star, pretend they are Hensons.

HENSON HEAD ON ZOMBIE 1:  Hey Star!  I starched your underwear.  It’s stiffer than plywood!  (Star blows his head off.)

HENSON HEAD ON ZOMBIE 2:  Hey Star, I found a dirty magazine under your bed, saucey!  (Star blows his head off.)

HENSON HEAD ON ZOMBIE 3:  Hey Star, I drilled the hole in Angela’s wall, just like you asked.  (Star blows his head off.)

BRANDI:  Star!  You did it!

ANGELA:  There’s a hole in my wall?  Perv.

STAR:  How did she hear that?

SCENE 13 – Henson’s Funeral.  The Necromancer emerges from the darkness and begins his chant.  Ed is the necromancer.

ED:  I am the necromancer!  Watch as I raise the dead with the unholy power of Necrosoft Dead raiser express four point oh.

BRANDI:  Ed?  What are you doing here?

ED:  Well, I got so lonely when we blew up all the govitts on my home planet, that I tried raising them from the dead.

STAR:  Thanks for undoing all of our hard work, those govitts are ass holes.

BRANDI:  So you actually got it to work?

ED:  No, not even close.  Steve hired me to answer the phones, being as we are on the same blog; one man one planet.  I worked my way up with on the job training.  Now where’s the dead guy?

STAR:  Here’s most of him.

UG:  Here’s the rest of him.

ED:  So do you want me to raise him, or just the head, what are we doing here?

STAR:  Yeah, fine just raise em so we don’t have to have a funeral.

ED:  I need complete silence.  (He farts.)  Hehehe. Alright, behold the great power of the necromancer.  Raise the ass hole, raise the ass hole, may the powers of the evil undead come over me and raise the ass hole.

BRANDI:  He has been practicing on Govitts.

ED:  Insert disk two?  Damn it, it’s never easy.  (He inserts a disk and the computer dings)

Computer:  Your ass hole has been raised.  Thank you for using Necrosoft.  BLAH!  (A friendly feminine voice reads and ends in a monstrous voice.)

ED:  The Henson is raised.

HENSON:  Ow.  Am I undead?  (He sounds like Ug’s playful voice.)

BRANDI:  Yeah!  We did it!

STAR:  Thank God, for the unholy power of the necromancer.

ANGELA:  Oh, I’m sure God appreciates the abomination we just created so we could save a few bucks.

BRANDI:  Oh, we can put the evil resurrected Henson out of his misery when we get into space.

ANGELA:  I’m just glad we don’t have to pay for a funeral.  (Henson destroys himself on a machine, this time his head is completely destroyed.)

STEVE:  Pay up.

STAR:  Damn it!  Necromancer.  Please raise our friend from the dead again.

ED:  OK, but you won’t like him without a head.  Raise the ass hole.  (He raises Henson from the dead.)

STEVE:  Now he is reundead.

ANGELA:  Oh gees.  I was happier thinking there was just dead and alive.

STAR:  Henson you’ve lost weight…and height.  (Henson is running around like a chicken.) 

ANGELA:  Now get him off the planet and blow him up, so we don’t have to deal with this anymore. 

STAR:  It is my duty as a…

ANGELA:  Just blow him up.  (Star cocks his blaster.)  OFF THE PLANET!

STAR:  Picky, Picky.  Now get on that spaceship, Zombie Henson. 

Zombie HENSON:  Blah…(The crew all runs around the Henson herding him into the sexy Beast.) 

STAR:  Thank God that’s over.  (We hear Henson breaking stuff inside.)

ANGELA:  What are you doing outside the ship?

STAR:  Uhhh.

ANGELA:  Go blow him up!

STAR:  I’ll do it later.  Let’s go get our corpse.

SCENE 14 – Mausoleums.  The zombie man approaches, carrying the body for the crew.  The crew is getting ready to leave.

STEVE:  Well, the zombie finally returned with the body you requested.  (A zombie walks in with a body over his shoulder.  The butt has a bite mark in it.)

BRANDI:  You bit his ass!

ZOMBIE MAN:  Oops, sowwy. 

STAR:  Well, that’s it.  I can now go back to Fuzzywidget, give him the corpse and get my hottie.  (An army of Hensons comes marching out of the Sexy Beast with no brains.)

ANGELA:  Yeah, that’s so great for you…what the hell happened?

BRANDI:  Oh, no, zombie Henson must have started up the cloner.

HENSON:  Ungh!  Me buy blender on TV.

STAR:  And he ate all the brains, I was gonna do that.

BRANDI:  Idiot, how would he do that, he has no head?  (The headless Henson is stuffing brains down his neck.)

STAR:  Die Hensons!  (Star begins blasting Hensons at an alarming rate.)

ANGELA:  Star, no!

ERNIE:  Go Star!  I mean No Star.

BRANDI:  Oh, crap.

ANGELA:  We better get out of here quick.  I am not doing a whole bunch of stupid funerals.

BRANDI:  We could just do a whole bunch of necromancing.

ANGELA:  That would be worse.  Let’s go.  (The crew is running into the Sexy Beast.)

STEVE:  Oh my, there are exactly seventy eight corpses here.

ZOMBIE MAN:  Seventy Eight?  Ungh!

STEVE:  Don’t they know that seventy eight is the magic number?  I mean they get the funerals for free.

ZOMBIE:  I guess not Steve, I guess not.

STEVE:  Did you save me some ass?

ZOMBIE:  Uh, Sowwy.

STEVE:  Damn it.

SCENE 15 – Casa De Fuzz.  The crew flies back to planet Fred and get the corpse back to Fuzzywidget.  Star anticipates a date with Felicia.

FUZZYWIDGET:  You brought me an almost new corpse, with only a few bite marks!  Wonderful.  I can get a new leg, ear and pancreas off of this corpse for sure.

BRANDI:  Yeah, I’m sorry about the butt cheek, the zombie promised he wouldn’t eat it.

FUZZYWIDGET:  You can never trust a zombie, but you can always trust ol’ Fuzzywidget!  Hey Star, here’s your prize.  (He points to Felicia.)

STAR:  Alright!

FELICIA:  He he.

ANGELA:  Gee, I’m so glad we went on this mission.

BRANDI:  We did it for Fuzzywidget, not for Star.

STAR:  So Felicia, when’s our first date?

FELICIA:  I don’t date the living.

STAR:  But Fuzzywidget is living.

FELICIA:  Barely, I mean now we’re just splitting hairs.

STAR:  So how dead would I have to be to get your attention?

FELICIA:  Pretty dead.

ANGELA:  Well Star, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. 

STAR:  I guess.  I mean I’d rather be alive than dating her…Then again  (He is pondering.)

(Run Credits)


FELICIA:  Oh, now that’s hot.  Do it again.
© Copyright 2008 Geoff (geoffcook at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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