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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1438323-Billybobville---Star-Commander----S1-E-9
by Geoff
Rated: 18+ · Script/Play · Comedy · #1438323
The Space Ship lands on a planet of govitts. They're cute and mean. The crew meets Ed
This is the episode where the govitts are introduced. They are cute, mean little ass holes. They look like happy little ground hogs with a unicorn horn. Please have a copy of the character sketches nearby to refer to. Thank you for reading.

Printed on
Film Type: Animated Comedy Series SEASON: 1
Film Length: 20 minutes (until canceled) EPISODE: 9

(The Thanksgiving Episode)

SCENE 1 – The Sexy Beast is partially on fire in space as Fuzzywidget calls in.

SEXY BEAST SPACESHIP: The engine is overheating.

UG: Sir, the engine is overheating. (Things are blowing up in the background)

STAR: Did you touch it? Dang! (He’s watching a video of Delivery drivers gone bad – They are throwing pizza at people, eating people’s heads, throwing pizza, adding “Toppings”, lighting it on fire, running it over, etc…)

UG: Sir, I did nothing to damage our Nuclear propulsion engine, I merely reiterated what the ship stated.

STAR: Ugh! Brandi, Ug broke the ship. (He buzzes Brandi, who is in the room)

BRANDI: I’ll go look into it. (She leaves as Fuzzywidget appears on the video relayer)

Fuzzywidget: Star! I need new underwear! (He is holding up a ripped pair.)

STAR: EGAD! I don’t need to see that!

Fuzzywidget: So you see the problem. The holes in my underwear are so big, I don’t even know which one my foot goes in. (His underwear is obviously on wrong)

STAR: Just send a mission request, I’ll go get whatever you need.

Fuzzywidget: I’ll also send photos and detailed schematics of my ass.

STAR: That won’t be necessary, I’ll just need a mission request and your size. What are you a double XL? Ha Ha

Fuzzywidget: Star, stop dodging your responsibilities. (Star dodges ship debris) Look…

STAR: No, I won’t look.

Fuzzywidget: Look, from now on I will only wear underwear fashioned from the finest fur. I hear the slink weasel on planet fluffernutter has the finest fur in all the universe. I want you to find me a slink weasel so my seamstress Azalea can make me some new undies.

Azalea: Ugh! Fat ass!

STAR: Fur underwear? I am disgusted by the whole concept of furry underwear.

Fuzzywidget: If you do this, I’ll have Azalea make you a pair too.

STAR: Hmmm, furry underwear, sounds sexy. It’s a deal! (Dreaming of himself muscular and wearing fuzzy underwear)

Fuzzywidget: So what are you a Triple XL? Ha! Fuzzywidget Out fat ass!

STAR: Damn! The things I do for fuzzy underwear.

BRANDI: What? Fuzzy underwear. (Brandi buzzes in)

STAR: Oh, I suppose you want some too, huh?

BRANDI: What? No. Star, the filter on the engine’s coolant system is brand new, but its running slow. We need to run something hard and smooth through the coolant system to dislodge the impurities without ripping it to pieces. Then I can clean the filter out again afterwards. That should fix the problem.

STAR: Nails are hard and this beer goes down smooth. We can clean the system with them.

ANGELA: Why don’t you use those things to clean out your system?

STAR: Oh, thank God! I thought you’d never ask. (He eats the nails)

BRANDI: I’ve heard of using glass beads in this kind of system. I think that would work.

ANGELA: Glass beads? Where would we get glass beads?

BRANDI: I have a bucket that is usually full of glass beads in the command center. I picked them up cheap in the Gamma Quadrant. But this morning, the bucket was missing.

ANGELA: That’s odd. I can’t think of too many other uses for glass beads. (Og walks in with a handful of glass beads. He pops a couple in his mouth and crunches them, breaking several teeth.) Hey, what did you just eat?

OG: Nothing. (He smiles and several teeth fall out.)

ANGELA: You ate the glass beads, didn’t you?

OG: No. (Angela pushes on his stomach and can hear them.)

ANGELA: I can hear them! You did eat them! Why?

OG: I always eat out of the trash can.

ANGELA: That is a bucket.

OG: Oh, well, I’m never eating out of a bucket again.

ERNIE: Og, can you throw this bucket of nuclear waste out?

OG: Sure. (He walks away, eating out of the bucket.)

UG: There is a small planet called Sophistikit that contains a vendor for materials such as glass beads. It is found in the city of Billybobville. The planet is near by, shall I give Angela the coordinates for this planet?

STAR: It sounds like a terrible plan. (Angela charges her laser blaster.)

ANGELA: I will kill you if we don’t go there.

STAR: It sounds like a wonderful plan. We’ll go to Billybobville, where I will negotiate with the natives. I will demand they turn over their most attractive women, then…

ANGELA: We need glass beads.

STAR: I will then order the women to make glass beads. I’ve thought this whole thing through. I need more beer and nails! (He passes out. Animation of the ship landing)

SCENE 2 – The ship lands in a wooded area. Star, the crew and about 50 Hensons leave the ship, one of the Hensons is an idiot. As soon as they leave the ship, a shadowy figure sneaks up to it. They see the sign for the city at the city gates.

MITTENS: Hey Dumb asses, Go away! (Mittens, Chompie and Squeakums are govitts)

CHOMPIE: Yeah, this is our turf. (Star shoots at them.)

MITTENS: What a bunch of pricks! (The crew approach a small shack.)

STAR: Alright old man, where is BillyBobVille and our glass beads?

ED: This is BillyBobVille. I’m Ed and I sell glass beads right here.

BRANDI: So Ed, where’s the rest of the city?

ED: Round back I’ve got a bathroom.

STAR: This is your whole city? Where do you go when you want to get drunk, or shoot something, or explore space?

ED: All my drinkin’ is done right here, and as for the rest of that stuff… I just drink until I think I’m doin’ it.

ANGELA: Look, we came here for glass beads, do you have any?

ED: I’m fresh out.

STAR: Dang it! I knew I should have shoved those nails into the coolant system when I had the chance. (he burps and nail stabs into a piece of wood)

ED: I could make you some glass beads if I just had some sand. I just can’t afford any.

STAR: I saw a beach nearby. I’ll go get some sand, will that work?

ED: Yep, that’ll work. (Hensons are fighting in the background)

STAR: Shut up!

Henson 357: He started it!

Henson 558: Nuh uh! (Star kills several Hensons.)

ANGELA: Hold up, you are actually going to do some work?

BRANDI: Yeah, what’s gotten into you?

STAR: Nothing. I’m just going to gather up those Henson clones and make them do it. I’m feeling bossy today.

BRANDI: Well it is a day.

ANGELA: Good luck, don’t die and don’t forget the sand.

STAR: What sand? Hold on, I have a call. (He gets a phone call) Yes? Deliver the pizza to my bachelor pad on Xanthos. I’ll pay for them when I get there in a couple weeks. Pizza doesn’t go bad, delivery drivers go bad, haven’t you seen the video?

UG: I have become rather hungry. I shall see if I can detect a bovine of some sort.

SQUEAKUMS: Hey look, that fat ass is going to eat even more! Ha ha

UG: Maybe a govitt or fifty would fill me up.


ANGELA: Well we’re gonna be here a while.

BRANDI: Yeah. Here. Hey why is this place called Billybobville?

ED: Oh, some guy named Billy bob established the city hundreds of years ago and now it is on the books as one of the rules. This here city is now and forever known as Billybobville.

ERNIE: Well Ed, why don’t you change it?

BRANDI: Yeah, don’t you make the rules now?

ED: I do, but to change the name of the whole city would be a big bureaucratic mess.

ERNIE: Hey, I need to use the restroom.

ED: It’s around back. You’ll need a key. (Ed does nothing)

ERNIE: Can I have the key?

ED: What key?

ERNIE: The key to the toilet.

ED: Ok, but it ain’t gonna do ya no good.

ERNIE: Never mind. Can I get into the bathroom without the key?

ED: Yes.

ERNIE: I’m gonna be a while. Star let me have some space peanuts.

BRANDI: and you ate them?

ERNIE: Yeah, I was hungry!

ED: Here, want a city map? It will make finding the bathroom a lot easier.

ERNIE: Isn’t that the map that we saw at the uh “City Gates”? (Shot of gate falling over)

MITTENS: That will keep the ass holes out! (They have saws and are laughing.)

ED: Yup.

ERNIE: No thanks, I think I can find it.

ED: We’re out of toilet paper.

ERNIE: I’ll take two maps please.

ED: That’ll be five cents.

ERNIE: Fi… five cents? I don’t have any…

ANGELA: Go! I’ll take care of it.

BRANDI: Your copy machine says five cents per copy, why do you charge five cents for two maps?

ED: It’s all about economics ya see. You make money by selling quantity. You know supply and demand.

ANGELA: You don’t have either do you?

ED: No. But now I can make a new copy. Now where is that original?

ERNIE: Where are the walls? (Ernie comes back a little mad)


ERNIE: Where are the walls of the bathroom, there is just a toilet back there in the middle of the woods, where are the walls?

ED: I sold them.

ERNIE: You sold them? What? Why would you sell them?

ED: I needed the money.

ANGELA: Do you ever think of reinvesting into your city?

ED: Darling, I’ve been running this city at a loss for years.

ERNIE: I need to go to the bathroom!

ED: You need a key and an attitude adjustment.

JERRY THE GOVITT: What an ass hole! (Ed swats at the govitt)

ERNIE: Why would I need a key if there are no walls and no door?

ED: Because the key can be a wall. (He hands him a giant key)

ERNIE: Oh, well that makes sense. Thank you. Nobody look back here. (He leaves)

ANGELA: You know, you could make a little money by having a pay toilet.

ED: We tried that once, People just crapped everywhere to avoid the payment. Then they smeared feces on my house and lit bags of crap on my porch. (The govitts are laughing)

ANGELA: What porch?

ED: I sold it. Now where’s that original map? Ah ha! Oops! (He puts the nickel in the machine and accidentally hits the button when he picks the paper up off the ground. It makes a copy of his face.)

ANGELA: You see? This is why you’ve been running Billybobville at a loss. Each transaction you make you lose money on. You can’t run a city like this.

ED: I am a keen businessman. I have kept track of all of my transactions right here in this book. (He hands it to Angela who starts reading it. We hear Ernie in the back.)


ERNIE: Ow! Those darn peanuts! (he drops the key)Damn it! Nobody look. (Govitts laugh and run over there.)


ED: Anyway, can I get you folks interested in joining the Billybobville chamber of commerce mailing list? We send out weekly fliers with coupons and once a year we send out an annual financial report, it’s color and it’s really nice.

BRANDI: Mailers? That’s gotta cost you. (govitts in the background take the key.)


ANGELA: No wonder you are running this place at a loss, every transaction you make is stupid. (Reading the transaction book.)

ED: Hey look lady, everyone runs their business differently, stupid is my method. (Pointing to his head.)

ERNIE: Oh, man I feel like I just gave birth.

BRANDI: Well, space peanuts tend to pass through the digestive system living and unharmed, so in a sick and disturbing way, you did just give birth.

ED: And you have provided a pile of fertile ground for your young space peanuts.

ERNIE: I – I’m a dad! I must be strong and Brave to protect my young ones! (A spear goes flying overhead and sticks into the shack.) Aaagh! I just fertilized my pants!

ANGELA: What was that?

BRANDI: Why is there a spear flying at us?

ED: We’re under attack! (Another spear flies at them that sticks into the ground. Ed instantly grabs it and buries it.)

BRANDI: Why did you do that?

ED: The Xambiots are attacking! They send a warning, then they attack and steal everything, smash everything else and take the people back to their giant ape god as a sacrifice.

BRANDI: Ok, but why did you bury the spear?

ED: So they can’t find it. I can sell this for like three bucks! (The end of the spear is wrapped in $10 bills)

ERNIE: Xambiot? What’s a Xambiot? They’re gonna kill my babies aren’t they? (He runs off, you can see him run to the toilet that’s in back. Govitts are laughing at him.)

ED: Yes. The Xambiots are planning an attack.

BRANDI: What’s that smell?

ANGELA: We’re being attacked and you rescued your, uh babies? (As Ernie approaches)

ERNIE: The Xambiots are gonna hurt my babies, by the way who are the Xambiots?

ED: They are a fierce race of savages that raid all the nearby villages. They outnumber my people by threefold.

ANGELA: So there are three of them?

ED: Yes, but they destroyed the govitt village of thousands just East of here.

BRANDI: Govitts? They’re tiny and cute. That’s so mean!

ANGELA: Yeah, Govitts are just semi intelligent squirrel like creatures.

MITTENS: Hey, what do you mean, semi intelligent? (He throws a rock at Angela, who ducks but hits Ed)

ED: Oh, No! I am defeated!

ERNIE: Oh, no! Billybobville has been defeated and the Xambiots are coming.

ANGELA: There are like three of them. And what would Billybob…

ED: Ed.

ANGELA: Sorry, Ed, What would Ed have done for us anyway?

ERNIE: He would have saved my babies! (Ernie tries to run away)

ED: Don’t run, they’ll chase you. Just act like you’re dead. And bury your stuff, so your ancestors will find it.

BRANDI: Don’t you mean next of kin? My ancestors are dead.

ED: Oh, no! The Xambiots must’ve got ‘em. (Xambiots approach in the background)

ERNIE: I’ll go bury the ship. (Trying to sneak away)

ED: Your ship was towed.

ERNIE: What? Why?

ED: You were parked illegally in the govitt zone. Now hush!

SCENE 3 – The woods open up to a tribal worshiping area with a gift shop. It contains parts of the sexy beast.

OG: Wow! I could sell the glass here! Ooo, a gift shop! (Og is still munching on the beads in a small bucket.)

XEXUTI: We don’t buy stuff, we just steal it and sell it.

OG: Really? Me too! Are you hiring?


OG: Aw crap. Here, maybe you’ll have better luck. (Og offers the glass beads to a giant gorilla that is tied up in the middle of the sanctuary. This angers the gorilla, it escapes, scattering the glass beads everywhere. Og doesn’t notice.)

SCENE 4 – The beach; Star has a horde of clones filling trash cans up with sand.

STAR: You, shovel harder, you shovel better, you, uh stop shoveling. Henson, what’s wrong with this Henson? (He is in the trash can, shoveling sand out)

HENSON: I think that I accidentally set the intelligence meter too low when he was cloned. It’s usually set to IQ 80, but my arm brushed by it and set it to negative 4. Sorry

STAR: Well, he can’t shovel sand. What is a job that requires even less brain function than shoveling sand? (Henson is eating Sand)

HENSON: Electronics resale? (stupid Henson is whizzing in the sand)

STAR: Alright Henson, we will need to bring this can full of, uh mostly sand back to the ship. (Stupid Henson is burying his “deposit” with his back legs)

HENSON: Bring it back? This thing must weigh a ton!

STAR: I’m setting my blaster for idiot. (It starts pointing at Star and he fights with it)

HENSON: But this is cruel and unusual! I can’t carry this all the way back to the ship!

STAR: Cruel yes, unusual not so much. I have been sending Hensons back to the ship with sand all day. (There are dead hensons covered in sand behind him.)

HENSON: How bout I go get the ship? That way we can get the sand there faster.

STAR: How bout you go get the ship because I thought of it.

HENSON: Fine. I’ll be right back. (Star starts yelling at a dead Henson.)

STAR: Get Up you lazy beach bum! Hey those are my diggie toys! (To dumb Henson)

Stupid HENSON: Blah! (Throws a solid sand ball at Star)

STAR: Hey! That’s pretty solid for a ball of sand. Oh.

SCENE 5 - The Xambiots are attacking Billybobville. Everyone buries their stuff and pretends they’re dead. Ernie has an arrow through the head gag on and little ones for his nasty peanuts. When the Xambiots arrive, they rummage around through Ed’s stuff.

ANGELA: I don’t think so! Hiyah! (Angela kicks their butts while everyone else plays dead.)

ERNIE: Is it safe?

BRANDI: I think so.

ANGELA: Alright ladies, let’s tie these intruders up. (She throws a rope down onto the camera)

SCENE 6 – Back at the beach

HENSON: Star, the ship is missing! (Star blasts him)

STAR: Henson! Henson here lost the ship. Now go get the ship.

HENSON: Uh, OK. I know right where it is. (Henson is scared. Camera follows him through the woods to the clearing where the ship was)

HENSON: Oh crap! It’s not here! Star is gonna kill me. Like ME me, I mean he always kills me. But I don’t want him to kill me… I’m gonna go hide in the woods.

(Henson goes into the woods to hide from star. He runs across a giant gorilla and they battle for no apparent reason.)

SCENE 7 - Henson Battles the Ape

HENSON: Bring it you stinky ape! (They battle for a while)

Ape: Ooo OO AAA Aaa! (Henson swings a large branch at the ape, who grabs it. Then the gorilla breaks it over Henson’s head. Just as the gorilla looks like he is going to finish off Henson, Ug walks by and eats the ape.)

HENSON: Thank you Ug! Oh you saved me!

UG: (Burp) What? Oh hello Henson. Well, that should fill me up for a while.

FRED THE GOVITT: Darn right fat ass! (Ug eats him.)

HENSON: Well the ship is missing and if Star finds out he’s gonna kill me.

UG: Well that does seem like an awkward social situation.

HENSON: Tell me about it.

UG: Well why don’t we seek the council of Ed. He is the leader of this small city and will be able to guide us toward the appropriate resources. I would assume.

HENSON: Well you know what they say when you assume. Ha Ha.

UG: No, actually I don’t know what you speak of.

HENSON: Never mind let’s go.

SQUEAKUMS: It makes an ass out of you and me!

HENSON: Shut up.

UG: I may have a little room left after all.

SQUEAKUMS: Aaagh! The fat ass hungers yet!

SCENE 8 - The Xambiots come to. They are tied up with the SB crew all around them.

Xambiot 1: Ooda ba wawa

Xambiot2: Owie bu bu

BRANDI: Well, what do we do now?

ERNIE: I say we run. (He tries to run, Brandi stops him.)

BRANDI: They’re tied up! Let’s just question them.

ANGELA: They don’t speak English, we’ll have to figure out some other form of communication. (Ug and Henson wander by and Ug belches up some bananas)

UG: Pardon me.

ANGELA: Ug! Can you translate the Xambiot’s language for us?

UG: Why certainly Angela. What would you like me to ask them?

ANGELA: Why did you attack Billybobville?

UG: Owie bang bang dumb dumb.

Xambiot: Bing Bang.

UG: He Says; Attack? What do you mean? And what is a billybobville?

ANGELA: Dang it they are answering my questions with more questions. Why did you throw spears at us?

UG: Chunky Oww Oww

Xambiot: Oopsie

UG: We always target practice here and we sometimes lose our spears.

ANGELA: Why do they target practice here? (They look up and see that Ed has a target on his roof)

UG: Ugh! Back

Xambiot: Sleepy dumb dumb.

UG: It appears that the Xambiots think that Ed is narcoleptic and they just want to get their spears back. Unfortunately they tend to lose their spears out here a lot, especially when Ed is around. They sometimes take other things instead because they know Ed is screwing with their heads and has buried their spears.

BRANDI: You hear that Ed? They don’t think that you’re dead.

ED: Shhh! I don’t believe you. (Contorts into a strange, bone cracking position and plays dead)

UG: It appears, based on the communication between the Xambiots that they are a peaceful tribe that only practices with their weapons in case of attack and for hunting.

BRANDI: If they are so peaceful, why did they attack the govitts?

MITTENS: Yeah, what the hell? What the hell?

UG: Ooga Booga?

Xambiot: ugh!

UG: It is because they are ass holes.

Xambiot: Ooo! Me Bebe! (Making fun of Ernie)

ERNIE: You’re not so tough now are you?

SQUEAKUMS: Yeah, wuss.

ANGELA: Let em go.


ERNIE: They’ll eat my babies!

Xambiot: Munchum bebe! Ha ha ha.

UG: He says they are not dumb enough to eat a space peanut especially when they’ve been digested once already.

ANGELA: Well, I don’t see any reason for you guys to have problems anymore.

ED: Yeah, I guess not.

ERNIE: I’m hungry, what’s for dinner?

ED: I’m sorry, but I just can’t afford any. (The Xambiots start talking.)

BRANDI: What are those jack asses yakking about?

UG: It appears that the Xambiots have an idea that will kill two birds with one stone. The govitts are not only ass holes, they are also delicious. (They all look over at the govitts.)

All Govitts: Uh oh! (Brandi looks shocked, then upset as we transition to the feast scene.)

SCENE 9 – They all have a govitt feast and peace between the Xambiots and Billybobville begins. A glass smelter is operating in the background and glass beads are coming out of it. The following conversation is at a long table in front of Ed’s Shack.)

ANGELA: So, what’s it gonna cost for our glass beads?

ED: Fifty bucks.

ANGELA: That’s fine, here ya go.

STAR: So what’s the finder’s fee for the finest sand in Billybobville?

ED: Well, seeing how I had to filter solid waste out of most of these barrels, some of which I suspect is yours.

STAR: Guilty.

ED: I can only bring myself to pay you one hundred dollars for your, um efforts. Well, I have fifty dollars now and I can make payments at a high interest rate for the rest.

ANGELA: No Ed, this is not how I taught you to manage money, You can have the sand for free so you can start over.

STAR: What? What a rip off. (He kills a Henson and steals the govitt leg Henson was eating.)

UG: As it turns out Zorda here, is an accountant for his tribe. He is willing to help you with the finances for Billybobville if you pass him another Govitt testicle.

ED: I thought they were meatballs! (Then he eats another one and passes the bowl.)

Scene 10 – The crew leaves

ANGELA: It has sure been an interesting trip. Did you and Zorda figure out what we owe you for the towing? (Zorda whispers to Ed.)

ED: Six Thousand Space bucks.

ANGELA: That’s outrageous!

ED: Well, I figure if I charge a lot to leave, I’ll get more residents. (Brandi walks over with her inventing goggles on and a wrench in her hand.)

BRANDI: It’s worth it. The ship is working again. Let’s go! (Angela pays Ed for towing)

ANGELA: If you invest this wisely, you can build a big profitable city.

STAR: If you need help creating a new population and can provide a multitude of attractive women, I’m your guy. It is my duty as a strong virile man with perfect DNA to populate your city.

ANGELA: Go populate yourself. We’ll be on the ship.

STAR: Ug, I need you to chart this city so we can have record of all it’s intricate details.

UG: (Ug’s device beeps once) Done.

STAR: Let’s blow this crap hole. (He arms a missile launcher.)

ANGELA: No, put that away.

STAR: Fine. (He puts it down, it goes off and accidentally blows up the toilet.)

BRANDI: You know, I went to the Billybobville gift shop and discovered that they have a surprisingly similar inventory to parts we are missing on the ship.

ANGELA: Hmm, Maybe this planet is more sophisticated than we thought.

Scene 11 – Back at Billybobville

ED: What a bunch of dumb asses.

Zorda: Yeah, well lets get cleaned up for the next bunch of idiots. Chu-Ching!

Scene 12 – The Sexy Beast is leaving the planet. Inside the Command Center.

BRANDI: Star, We still have to go get the animal fur for Fuzzywidget’s underwear. I don’t even know if we have enough time now.

STAR: It’s ok, I took all of the govitt fur that was leftover from the feast. It’ll work fine.

UG: Govitt fur is itchy. All wildebeest for me.

BRANDI: Hey, when did you go back for the fur?

STAR: I had to go use the sand one last time.

Scene 13 – Back at Billybobville

Xambiot: Have you seen Tooka, our gorilla god?

ED: No. (He lifts the copier and discovers space peanuts) Space peanuts!!! NOOOO!! (Tooka runs across the screen and smashes Ed’s shack to pieces.) Damn it, can’t you have an invisible god like everybody else?

(Run credits)

© Copyright 2008 Geoff (geoffcook at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates have been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work.
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