Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1497936-2-Minute-Scoop-November-22-2008
Rated: 13+ · Bulletin · Comedy · #1497936
Recap of some of the week's headlines
This week’s scoop-

Detroit auto executives were the latest to line up in Washington for a handout.  GM, Ford, and Chrysler sent their CEOs to make their pleas for a bailout to Congress.  GM’s Chairman said that without the bailout the company would face certain bankruptcy.  When congressional officials asked the executives what guarantee they would have that the money would be spent wisely, in desperation the executives reportedly said that they would pinky swear that things would turn around. 

Many taxpayers are outraged by the bailout talks for the automakers.  In response to the outcry Congressional leaders are considering putting stipulations on the negotiated aid package.  Among the rumored list of requirements would be decreased compensation for executives, negotiations with the UAW to bring down costs, and the mandate to make cars that don’t suck.  When the beleaguered executives were asked if these guidelines could be met, they said yes, they double pinky swear.

President Elect Barack Obama made a lot of progress in making top appointments to his cabinet.  Among those chosen were Tom Daschle who was nominated to be Secretary of Health and Human Services, and Timothy Geithner was nominated to be Secretary of the Treasury.  Meanwhile Alaska Governor Sarah Palin also made progress in her cabinet by filling it with $150,000 of Republican funded designer clothing. 

In celebrity news, Madonna and Guy Ritchie have managed to get a quick divorce.  Many expected the eight-year marriage to take months to come to amicable end.  This week in a London courtroom, the couple was granted a divorce within minutes.  Unfortunately for Guy Ritchie, this is true to form considering the divorce lasted as long as most of his movies do in theatres.

A Nebraska man left a more lasting impression on his “viewers”.  The man was arrested for leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of local buildings.  Police caught the man dubbed the “butt bandit” in the act on Wednesday morning.  He was called the “butt bandit” because he would leave imprints of his groin or butt on windows by first greasing them up with lotion or Vaseline.  A local judge recommended that part of his punishment should be clean all of the town’s windows…no ifs, ands, or butts.

Finally, officials in Amsterdam have reported that they may have to close as much as one fifth of the city’s marijuana clubs because of their proximity to local high schools.  Local leaders began to suspect there was a problem when they noticed a spike in potato chip and beef jerky sales in high school vending machines around the time the clubs would open.  Asked if they were worried about a backlash among students, they said no and that students would have to find other ways to spend their time.  Coincidentally, since talk of the ban began, lotion and Vaseline sales have been on the rise.
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