The Child that never was

letter written to my baby at 19 again after a miscarriage

Will it always hurt so much?
It should get easier with time.
How much time I don't know,
But the pain hasn't lessened.
The day is approaching
When you should have made your way
Into this world, into the loving arms
Of your parents who will never be.
You would have been loved like no other,
Cherished like a precious jewel.
No one could have ever doubted
The love we would have had for you.
Every day that goes by
I think about what would be happening now.
How I would have looked, when we would have first felt you move.
I imagine the house full of all of the stuff that people take for-granted being
Able to buy: your stroller, your crib, your bottles, your first toy.
Hopefully it will get easier as the days go by, when that dreadful day finally
Does pass.
Until then my mind does wander, and wonder how things might have been.
Would you have had the gorgeous brown eyes of your father, would you have been a little boy that looks just like him?
Or would you have been a glorious little fairy with a halo of red hair, pale skin and green eyes like myself?
Or maybe even a pale skinned, dark haired giant with deep gorgeous eyes like him?
You could have even surprised us all and ended up a blonde haired blue eyed angel fallen from the stars.
This is what I will never know. This is something I have to get past.
It has been five months now since you left me, being a developing spirit,
A soul inside of me for only 2 or so months.
You would have been born mid to late July so around that time I shall cry. Hopefully after that I can heal, I can get on with life and enjoy everything. But I promise I shall never forget you, my child that is not.
My child that never was.