1. A lot of people blame immigrants for taking jobs that American citizens could be doing, but I blame scarecrows.
2. If you go to someone’s house and they have a dictionary sitting out on the coffee table, you’ll probably think that person is pretty intelligent. But I say, if that person’s so smart, why do they have to keep looking words up in the dictionary?
3. On the radio, I heard this commercial for prostate cancer awareness, and it said that one of the symptoms of prostate cancer is that you frequently wake up to urinate. But what I need to know is, what kind of cancer do you have if you frequently urinate but DON'T wake up to do so?
4. If I was the leader of a gang, and I needed to recruit people to join my gang, I would make sure we had a dental plan. Because, seriously, how many other gangs offer dental plans?
5. If someone put a gun to my head and asked me to name the greatest actor of all time, I'd say, "Is the gun really necessary to get my opinion on this?"