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Rated: 13+ · Short Story · Western · #1636294
What if Mel Brooks directed True Grit and gave John Wayne trouble with a certain Phrase?
"Places everyone," shouts the director. "This is the big fight scene between Rooster Cogburn and the outlaws. Now, does everyone know their lines?"

"Like hell I do," John Wayne says, sitting on top of his horse. "It's the best line ever."

"I bet it is," said Robert Duvall, who was playing Ned Pepper, the outlaw leader.

"Alright," the director said, as he got in his seat. "Action!"

"Rooster! Make a run for it! I got Mattie, and Chaney too!" shouts Glen Campbell, who was playing the Texas Ranger, from on top of a rock.

At this, John looks at Robert Duvall and says, "Fill Your Hands you Son Of a-" however, before he finishes the sentence, a bike horn goes off, beeping out the word.

"Okay, which one of you S.O.B.'s did that?" he says, looking at the director, with hatred in his eyes.

"Oh, that would be the censorship guy," the director said. "He says that we have to cut down on the profanity."

"Like hell we have to!" John says, firing a shot at the guy wearing a shirt that says "Censorship Guy", killing him. "Now, let's get back to the script."

"No problem," the director says, as a couple of the grips remove the dead body. "I never liked that guy anyways."

"Let's start this take from the line," John says, looking at the director, who nods in approval. "Alright. Fill Your Hands you Son Of a-" However, a steamboat's foghorn blares through the air, making it difficult to hear the word.

"Damn it!" the director said. "I forgot that those guys were filming 'On the Mighty Mississippi' right next door to us!"

"I guess it's a good thing that that gangster film is being shot next door as well," John says, as he gallops over to the other set on his horse.

Suddenly, the sounds of machine gunfire are heard.

"I guess that takes care of them," John says, as he comes back to the set with a smoking Tommy gun. "Now, can we get back to the scene?"

"No problem," the director said. "I didn't like those guys anyways."

"Nice to know," John said, as he readjusted his eye patch.

This time however, just as he was about to say the word, his horse started farting, loudly. After a while, it stopped. But when he tried to say it again, the farting started again. This time, John said, "Damn horse," and shot it.

After the grips removed the dead horse, and a new one was brought in, and the air cleared up, they tried it again. This time however, just as John was about to say the word, a fly flew into his mouth, and got lodged in his throat, preventing him from speaking.

With that, John thought four little words, "Son of a Bitch".

(Word count 470)
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