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Rated: 13+ · Short Story · Psychology · #1693611
A journey deep into a forgotten place in my mind.
I am alone here. I find no comfort in the cold and unending dark. Feeling myself being swept away by the unforgiving current, I cannot fight it. Not anymore. For far too long now, have I felt nothing but the melancholy, the longing for days gone by. Days when I was certain that things would turn out for the best. Days when I wanted nothing more than to feel the soft rays of the warm sun, the gentle embrace of a friend and the idea that someday I would be okay. Those days have long come and gone. I open my eyes, to find myself lost in a place where not even I can escape. The denials have finally caught up with me. For it seems that the place I once cherished as an escape from the harsh realities of life has become my prison. The worlds that I've created have taken a life of their own. No longer can I control them. I am alone here. Lost in my mind, the bar-less prison. Trapped beneath a wall of apathy, bitterness and rage. Trapped beneath the Ice Lake.


Seething pain courses its way throughout my body. The water surrounding me drains my very life force away. My muscles pulse with excruciating pain. I can barely move. Looking up frantically, I try my very hardest to swim to the surface. With each stroke, I feel my body teeter on the brink of collapse. Long, powerful strokes. The water is so dark, I can barely make out what's in front of me. My lungs are about to explode. I don't know if they'll ever know what air is again. Clawing the water above me, I keep a steady pace. Please, let me get out of this. Please...


My eyes open wide to the sight of the surface. Light pierces through the water. Just a few more feet, and I'll be breathing in wonderful, life-giving air. With renewed hope, I kick furiously and move faster than I ever have. I'll reach it. I'll be free. I'll-- Thud.


My body stops with a sudden jolt, against something hard and cold. Horror quickly turns to despair, as I realize that the hard substance trapping me underneath here is ice. Freezing, unforgiving ice. I try hard to break through, pressing my hand against it. With an icy chill, a torrent of emotions and memories race through me. Painting the sad picture of what got me here, I realize where I am. I created this place. A shield against the passions of life. A wave of bitter sadness washes over my battered soul, as the realization of my imprisonment becomes clear. Despite the futility of my actions, I continue to hit and bang at the ice. I can't stay here. I just can't...


My hopeless pleading. My pathetic attempts to crack through a defense I created. And now, I appear to have chains holding me down here. A contraption around my waist attached to several jagged, rusted chains that lead down into the dark abyss. Slowly but steadily, they seem to be pulling me down. I claw at the ice, trying to stay near the light. I can't. Whatever is pulling me down there is too strong. Then, out of nowhere, I see her. Her. Only she's not in the water with me. She's standing on the ice, staring down at me. Her long, brown hair gently swaying in the wind. Her skin, soft and warm just like the sun. I reach out to her, begging for a release. My hands bang and press against the ice. Our eyes meet. Something is wrong. Her eyes aren't full of color and love as I remember them. No, they're black. Empty and bleak. She simply stares at me, seemingly enjoying my suffering. My eyes plead with hers. The weight of these chains is too great. If she doesn't do something, I'll be dragged down forever. Please, remember what we have. Save me from myself...


She continues looking down at me, her beauty both reassuring and frightening. I press my hand against the ice one more time, hoping for some kind of solace. She kneels down and puts a hand over the ice where mine is. A sudden burst of warmth energizes me. She's going to do it, she's going to help me. Then, with a seductive yet eerie smile, she shakes her head. My heart instantly sinks lower than it's ever been. She removes her hand from the ice and stands up, her eyes always fixated on me. The warm and loving glow disappears, as the chilling cold almost rips my body into shreds. She waves goodbye, as the chains begin to pull me down quicker. Into the abyss of my mind. Deeper and deeper. The light disappears. I'm losing myself to myself. The darkness and cold becomes too great to bear. My eyes close. One last time...


In the darkness, I hear myself speak. For some reason, this isn't over yet.

Maybe it was desire that got me here. No, it wasn't desire. It was the refusal to accept the events that created me. The refusal to learn and to heal. It was desire that was my ultimate undoing. The desire to salvage and remain in the past. The desire to keep those memories and feelings alive. Well, today those desires are finished. I know now what I must do. I will never fully heal but I will accept what I've become. It's time to grasp what is rightfully mine. My future awaits...


I open my eyes to a rush of energy and warmth. My mind will shackle me no more. I break off these chains that have for so long kept me stagnant, complacent and lost. With a surge of raw passion, I rocket through the waters, no longer affected by the effects I myself created. I see the light, the surface. Despite the tinge of doubt, I continue forward. Relentless. I see the ice.


I break through almost effortlessly, feeling the rush of clean air enter my lungs. I land on a patch of grass near the lake. I did it. I made it. Feeling the sun's rays bathe me in warmth, I smile to myself. Tears stream down my cheeks, for this has been such a journey. I was lost for so long, but I've now found my path. I've finally learned to forgive myself. With this revelation, the ice covering the lake melts. My mind and I are at peace now. I stand up and lift my arms out, embracing the sun and the promise of a new life.



My future awaits...
© Copyright 2010 Paul J. Belanger (entertherealm at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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