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by Geoff
Rated: 18+ · Script/Play · Comedy · #1697854
The crew lands on planet Omega Custard, a delicious edible planet & invent the spankinator

STAR COMMANDER
and the crew of the Sexy Beast

                                                                                                                             Printed on
                                                                                                                             8/9/2010
Film Type: Animated Comedy Series                                      SEASON:  1
Film Length: 20 minutes (until canceled)                                            EPISODE: 10

Flustered custard


SCENE 1 – In the Command Center, Fuzzywidget calls Star on the video relayer.


FUZZYWIDGET:  Star, I have run out of crusty cookie bricks for the new wing of my house on planet Fred.  (Fuzzywidget’s nails are extremely long.)

STAR:  Fuzzywidget, why do you have such long nails?

FUZZYWIDGET:  Well I love to chew them and the longer they are, the more chewing I can do.  (He chews them, but they keep growing back)

STAR:  But how did they get so big?  (He chomps down another handful)

FUZZYWIDGET:  I have been using those growing crystals that Angela found.  By the way, I have a fruit basket I would like to send you.  (nasty fruit that look like Fuzzywidget)

STAR:  No thanks.  So, do those crystals you have work on everything?  I have a friend with a tiny problem.

FUZZYWIDGET:  Don’t worry, I’ll send you some of the crystals to stick in your pants.

STAR:  Uh, just to clarify, that will be in my friends pants.

FUZZYWIDGET:  Just stick them wherever you want.  Now I need those cookie bricks within the next 48 hours, so when the sugar mortar gets here, they can start building the delicious new wing of my house.

STAR:  Absolutely.  Just send me the coordinates and my friend’s crystals and I’ll be set.

FUZZYWIDGET:  I’ll send the transmission immediately with the fruit basket and the crystal for your tiny little friend.  Ha Ha Ha.  Fuzzywidget out!

STAR:  Well at least no one else knows my dirty little secret.  (The crew is behind him)

ANGELA:  That’s gross.  Your DIRTY little secret

BRANDI:  I think it’s hilarious.  Star’s dirty LITTLE secret.

STAR:  Uh, we have a mission to go on.  We need to get some cookie bricks.

BRANDI:  Oh, well we better lift those big bricks, so the little man doesn’t hurt himself.

STAR:  Damn!  Attention crew, we fly to Omega Custard, the tiny delicious planet with the thick custardy atmosphere and the warm gooey planet center.

HENSON:  We read you loud n clear, tiny.

STAR:  Damn! 

(Opening credits)


SCENE 1 Og and I-Doc are having a conversation in the Command Center.

OG:  Hey, I-Doc.  Can I steal, I mean borrow your image changer thingie?

I-DOC:  Do you mean my perception converter?  (He points to it)  Forget it, that thing lets me see my patients at a much deeper level than any meatling doctor could ever do.  That is one of the many reasons I am a superior medical being.  My other qualities include… Shiny exterior, a wealth of knowledge, 24 hour battery life…

OG:  Thanks.  (While I-Doc was going on about his greatness, Og steals it)

I-DOC:  Hey!  (Star is straining for the mission requests, which are 3 inches away.)

ERNIE:  Here’s the mission request.  (Ernie gets up, sighs and hands the papers to Star.)

STAR:  Oh, thank goodness.

ERNIE:  What can we do on Omega Custard?

STAR:  What can’t we do on a delicious edible planet?

ERNIE:  This is a safe delicious planet right?  Not like Rancidor, the rotten meat planet with giant missile launching flies on it or Banana Planet and the brain sucking mutant monkeys, right?

STAR:  This planet’s atmosphere is a thick, delicious custard with no known inhabitants.  Our mission is to penetrate the outer core, find the warm gooey center and harvest it.  We will then need to convert this planetary crust into useable bricks to be laid on Fuzzywidget’s home planet, Fred.

ANGELA:  Wow, I’m amazed.

STAR:  I am pretty amazing.

ANGELA:  No, what’s amazing is that what you just said, other than the stupid stuff, is exactly what is on our mission request.

BRANDI:  Are you feeling OK?  Maybe I-Doc should take a look at you.

I-DOC:  Commander Star looks fine.  (I-Doc is looking at a toaster.)

BRANDI:  How are we going to make the doughy crust into bricks?

STAR:  Good old fashioned manual labor.  I think about a thousand Hensons working around the clock with no food, water, pay or hope ought to put a small dent in the brick making.  I think if we offer them freedom for meeting their quota, we may get the results we want.

ANGELA:  You would actually set Henson clones free?

STAR:  Yes, I will shove them out the airlock into all the freedom they could ever want.

ANGELA:  You’re sick.

I-DOC:  Oh, his toasticles dropped, I can fix that.  (The upside down toaster popped)

BRANDI:  What?  Anyway, I believe if I retrofit our pillow fluffer, we could use it to form the bricks quicker than any reasonable amount of clones could do it.

STAR:  Fine, you fix your stupid, non brick-making machine, and I’ll build my ridiculously oversized army of Hensons and we’ll see who gets to get shoved out the airlock first.

BRANDI:  If I forfeit right now, will you jump out the airlock?  (She goes to get the pillow fluffer and the mailbot flies away from the ship out the front window.)

STAR:  I’m tempted, but I would rather feel the pleasure of knowing that I myself told a Henson to hit the Clone button a thousand times and defeated you manually, than just take a handout.  (He looks back with a cocky attitude, but Brandi is already gone.)

Ug:  Your Worker’s comp check has arrived.

STAR:  Thanks, ahh that makes the crippling bunions feel better.

ANGELA:  You’re pathetic.  I hope Brandi beats your ass. 

STAR:  Me too.  I want freedom!

ERNIE:  Hey when you’re done, do you think you could turn that back into a pillow fluffer?  I have kind of gotten used to fluffed pillows.  (Brandi returns with the pillow fluffer)


SCENE 2 – close up of pillow fluffer while Brandi talks to Og


BRANDI:  Absolutely.  I need my pillows fluffed as much as anyone.

OG:  That is a pillow fluffer?

BRANDI:  Yeah.

OG:  Oh,  I thought it was an exciting new ride that included lots of spanking.  I call it the spankinator!  (He jumps inside)

BRANDI:  Well, it’s not.  Hey!  Get out of there! 

OG:  Oh, it hurts so good!  (he moves down the tube-like device as hands “spank” him.)

BRANDI:  That’s not a toy!

OG:  Not for you maybe.  By the way Brandi, I’m working on a little project that needs some parts.  Can you help me?

BRANDI:  Will it keep you away from the pillow fluffer?

OG:  The what?

BRANDI:  (Sigh) The Spankinator.

OG:  Yeah, for a while.

BRANDI:  Ok, so what do you need?

OG:  The first thing that is on my list is a thingie that converts thrust.

BRANDI:  That sounds like a thrust converter, like what’s on this ship.  I can see if we can pick up a used one on our next stop.

OG:  Nah.

BRANDI:  OK, what else can I not do for you?

OG:  Well the next thing on my list is one pair of long, flexible tubes that are very strong.  Do you know of anything like that?

BRANDI:  Uh, what you’re describing sounds like what we use for our engine coolant tubing.  Are you making another giant beer hat?

OG:  Nope, by the way, where’s this “engine” you speak of?  (Og’s list says “engine”)

BRANDI:  That way.

OG:  Oh, thanks.  (He leaves with his little parts list)

I-DOC:  I can’t save Commander Star.  I’m gonna have to pull the plug or whatever.

STAR:  NOOO!  I want to live!  By the way where is my toast?

I-DOC:  I don’t know, I don’t talk to toasters.  (Looking at Star)  I’m sorry about this.  Oh, well.  (He pulls the plug and Star acts like he’s dying.  From I-Doc’s perspective, the toaster looks like Star’s head with toast popping out of the mouth and Star’s head looks like a toaster.)

Ug:  We have approached Omega Custard.  There is no need to run a landing strategy analysis, the entire planet has a soft, consistent and delicious surface.

ANGELA:  It looks like we are just about ready to prepare for landing.  Hey, what just flew at us?  We’re not even near any asteroid belts.  (A pink asteroid nearly hits the ship.)

BRANDI:  That’s part of the ship!

ANGELA:  What part of a space ship looks like a little pink asteroid?

BRANDI:  Duh, the hood ornament… What!?!  I was in high school when I built it, I thought it was cute.

ANGELA:  OK, but why would it fly off the ship like that?

BRANDI:  I don’t know, but it looks like we are having some problems with our thrust converter.

ANGELA:  What is a thrust converter?

BRANDI:  That!  (Og smashes into the windshield with no spacesuit on.  He is holding up a mechanical piece and looks blue and desperate.)

ANGELA:  Let him in!

STAR:  No, leave him.  He deserves his freedom.  (Gagging & dying in unison with Og)

ANGELA:  How do we get him in now?

STAR:  We’ll send a Henson out there that has been trained as a coroner.  Then shoot him when he gets back for being trained in such a worthless field.

BRANDI:  No, we need to bring him in quickly, while he’s still alive.  So I can kill him.

STAR:  Smash the windshield, it’s our only hope.  (He’s hooking beer IV’s up to himself.)

ANGELA:  If we smash the windshield, he’ll be blown outward, just one of the setbacks to explosive decompression.

STAR:  Smash it inward.  Fly into a meteor, or a passenger vessel full of children or something.

ANGELA:  That won’t work, the cabin is pressurized, we need to get him with the SB 8000.

STAR:  Can’t you see that I’m dying?

BRANDI:  Whatever.  Getting the SB 8000 out to him will take too long and I won’t be able to kill him myself.

STAR:  This is a real problem.  I-Doc pulled the plug on me and the women are fussing over Og.

ANGELA:  I-Doc, Stop diagnosing that toaster and Save Og!

I-DOC:  Og?  Oh, No!  Og is in trouble? (I-Doc valiantly saves the thrust converter by cutting a hole in the windshield and pulling it in.  Og remains attached.  Angela closes the blast shield.)

OG:  Oh, thanks man.

I-DOC:  It appears that Og has a large growth on him.  (He shoots at Og who runs away)

BRANDI:  Get back here with my ship chunk!  (Brandi and I-Doc chase Og out the door.)

STAR:  Well it was nice knowing all of you… except Henson.

ANGELA:  What are you talking about?

STAR:  Henson’s an idiot.

ANGELA:  No, what is all this crap about it was nice to know you?

STAR:  I-Doc pulled the plug, I have come to the end of my rope.

ANGELA:  He pulled the plug on the toaster.

STAR:  I know, I love toast.

ANGELA:  Any way I can’t land this ship in this condition, we’re gonna crash!

STAR:  Well, since we’re all going to be smashed to bits on the rock hard surface of Omega Custard, how bout one last kiss?

ANGELA:  You’re not getting the first one.  (They softly squish into the planet’s custardy atmosphere.  The ship is smoking and parts are broken and on fire.  They start to sink.)


SCENE 3- Halls of the ship, the Chase Scene


BRANDI:  Come back here with my ship chunk!

OG: Yikes!

I-DOC:  C’mon you nasty growth, come back here with Og.

Brandi and I-Doc chase Og in a Scooby Doo style chase scene, where lots of doors are shut and everyone is running everywhere.  They are in the living quarters.  Then Og shuts a bunch of doors and hides. Og drops his list and Brandi finds it.  Brandi gets mad and leaves the living quarters, heading back to the command center. 


SCENE 4- Command Center – Brandi Enters, frustrated


BRANDI:  We can’t leave the planet because Og stole too many vital parts.

ANGELA:  What?  What happened?

BRANDI:  Og has been stealing parts from the ship that are on this list.

ANGELA:  Why?  (Brandi puts on her inventing goggles, gets her scanner and loads her weapons.)

BRANDI:  I don’t know.  He’s working on some stupid secret project.  It’s times like these when I think we should just eject him into space. 

STAR:  I should be the one to get freedom.  (The ship tilts sideways and gurgles)

ANGELA:  What was that?

STAR:  Oops, Pardon me.

ANGELA:  No, something is wrong with the ship. 

BRANDI:  We’re sinking! 

ANGELA:  I’ll invert the thrust converter and deploy the gas bladders.

STAR:  See?  It was me.

BRANDI:  We can’t do either of those things.

ANGELA:  Why not?

STAR:  You ask too many questions.  Just shut up and kiss me.

ANGELA:  Ew.

BRANDI:  They’re on Og’s list.

ANGELA:  Let’s go kill Og.

BRANDI:  No, wait.  Angela, see if you can fire up the backup thrusters and get us out of here.  I’ll go kill Og.

ANGELA:  You’re right.  Hey Brandi.

BRANDI:  What?

ANGELA:  Good luck.

BRANDI:  Thanks, I’ll be fine.  (She cocks her weapon and heads out the door to kill Og)

I-DOC:  OK Brandi, I have fitted you with a spacesuit, so you should be safe.  I am going into sleep mode.  (He has fitted a microfrapilator with a fishbowl. Angela is confused.)


SCENE 5 – The surface of Omega Custard, The ship finally comes to rest on the crusty planet surface.  They open the main hatch and see nothing but custard.


ERNIE:  What do we do now?

STAR:  We eat our way out.

ANGELA:  Idiot, as you eat, you get bigger.  You can’t rid the planet of custard by eating it.

STAR:  Well, after we eat, we can go fire out a number two.  We’ll get smaller and can eat even more.

ANGELA:  OK Star, then where does all the waste go?

STAR:  Wherever I am when the urge comes…I mean the toilet of course.

ANGELA:  No, I mean what about when the solid waste tank is full?

STAR:  We dump it outside the ship, into someone’s fresh water supply, like always.

ANGELA:  So, your plan is to get rid of all the custard by converting it into an equally massive pile of human waste?

STAR:  Precisely.  Ug, you are the best eater here.  We expect a large portion of this custard to be converted to waste by you. 

ANGELA:  Oh, geez.

Ug:  Yes sir, I will make a number three that you can be proud of.

STAR:  Ew.

ERNIE:  Hey, we have a custard vaporizing unit.  I built it to defend ourselves when the Bill Cosbot got loose and was throwing radioactive snacks at everyone.  (Flashback to a giant robot that looks like Bill Cosby, where he is throwing pudding at people.)

STAR:  Use it to vaporize our waste, that’s what we need to get rid of.  I better make those clones now.  Henson!

HENSON:  Yes, sir!  Would you like me to eat my weight in custard?

STAR:  No, that won’t be necessary.  Go make a thousand clones, then start vaporizing the waste as I dump it outside the ship.  (He leaves as I-Doc wakes up.)

ANGELA:  Well, its time to break out the gas masks.  (She opens a panel full of gas masks.)

I-DOC:  Hensons!  There you are.  I believe that the toaster is looking for you.

ANGELA:  Are you alright I-Doc?

I-DOC:  I don’t talk to blasters.


SCENE 6 – Scene of the crew on the surface of Omega Custard.  They open the door and start shoveling custard in.  Hensons are shoveling custard and vaporizing the waste that is coming out of the ship.  Everyone is eating custard and making bathroom runs.


BRANDI:  Well, I can’t find Og.  He’s locked off some of the ship’s quarters and it will take a while to break in and kill him.  I’d rather work on trying to fix the ship so we can get out of here.  (Star comes out of the bathroom with toilet paper on his foot.)

STAR:  You need to convert that pillow thingie into a brick whatever.  DO IT!

BRANDI:  You do it, I’m trying to get this ship functional with several parts missing.

ERNIE:  I’m so tired of eating custard, my jaw hurts.

ANGELA:  Don’t chew it you idiot, it’s custard.  Just suck it down.

ERNIE:  Oh yeah, this is much better.  (Star takes a bite of tainted yellow custard)

STAR:  Hey, this just in, don’t eat the yellow custard.

ERNIE:  Ew, you’re right. 

STAR:  If it’s yellow, it’s mine.  (He chomps down more of it, as a sick Henson enters.)

HENSON:  I’m feeling dizzy

BRANDI:  What happened?

HENSON:  When I vaporize the waste, green gasses come out, now I feel sick.

BRANDI:  Let’s go see if Ug can tell us why this is happening.


SCENE 7- Command Center, Ug at his 3D projector and work station


Ug:  It would appear that using the custard vaporizer on our waste would create toxic fumes.  However it is designed to create Nitrogen, Oxygen and basic atmospheric elements when it vaporizes custard.  (The elements are displayed on the 3D projector)

STAR:  That’s cute.  I’m not vaporizing perfectly good custard.  Henson, how is the custard loading going?

HENSON:  We’re almost at triple expected capacity.  We’ve been shoveling custard in for hours and we need more clones, but the cloner is backed up.

BRANDI:  I’ll fix it. (She opens the cloner, plunges it and gets custard on her.) Aaagh!

HENSON:  Uh oh.  (He looks scared and leaves.)

BRANDI:  The seat cushions are full of custard, it’s in the control panels, the Henson blank closet is full of it and all of our water has been replaced with custard.

STAR:  And now we can make these delicious custard Hensons.  (He is eating one.)

CUSTARD HENSON:  Ow.  (He seems excited.)

ERNIE:  Why don’t we hook the vaporizer up to the shield system and let it vaporize the custard in a radius around the ship?

BRANDI:  Yeah, I think that would work.

STAR:  No, no, NO!  That would destroy more custard.

BRANDI:  Star, how are we going to get the bricks made for Fuzzywidget?  All of the Hensons are busy shoveling custard.

STAR:  We’ll get to the back burner stuff when the ship is full. 

HENSON:  The ship is full.

STAR:  I can still see floor, the ship is not full!

BRANDI:  Fine, I’ll go make the bricks and win the bet, bunion butt.

STAR:  All Hensons to the spankinator for brick making. 

OG:  Huh?  (Og is working on something mechanical)

BRANDI:  It’s a pillow fluffer.

STAR:  Just like the custard vaporizer, everything has a better use than what was originally intended.

BRANDI:  I could think of some uses for you… (Mumbling about Star as she leaves)

STAR:  Henson, how’s that waste vaporizing going?  (A dizzy Henson enters.)

HENSON:  I don’t know, I just started.  The vapors killed the first group of Hensons.

I-DOC:  Where did Fuzzywidget go?  He was just here.

ANGELA:  What are you talking about?  Fuzzywidget is on planet Fred.

I-DOC:  OK, that blaster is talking to me.  I think I’m losing my mind.

ANGELA:  You didn’t give your perception converter to Og did you?

I-DOC:  Not intentionally.

ANGELA:  Well you better get a new one, because you killed a toaster and you’ve been talking to the frapilator all day.

I-DOC:  I need someone to relate to, and frankly the dead toaster was more relatable than Star.  (He shoves a hotdog in his head.)  Ah, much better.

ANGELA:  That was a hot dog. 

I-DOC:  I swear that was my perception converter.

ANGELA:  A robot without a perception converter wouldn’t know the difference, would he?

I-DOC:  Crap, I have a hotdog in my brain, don’t I?

ANGELA:  Yep.  (I-Doc’s head starts smoking.)

STAR:  Something smells delicious.

I-DOC:  I don’t like the way that toaster is looking at me.  (Star is licking his lips.)


SCENE 8 – Making room for bricks.  Brandi and the Hensons make thousands of bricks and fill the ship.  She has them shovel out and eat the custard to make room for them.  Star sees this going on and starts blasting and eating Hensons.


BRANDI:  Eat more custard soldier!  You, shovel like you mean it.  You get a real shovel.  (Henson is holding a shovel made out of custard as Brandi enters the ship.)

STAR:  Damn it No!  More custard, not less!  (He starts blasting Hensons left and right.)


SCENE 9 – Brandi enters the command center. Star is still blasting Hensons, then he enters.


BRANDI:  Well, we have made all the bricks we need and with the Hensons dying at the hands of Star, we might actually be light enough to take off. 

ANGELA:  Well, at least its keeping him occupied.  Never mind.  (Star enters.)

STAR:  I’d eat more Hensons, but my guts are hurting.  I’ll just have to blast em.

ANGELA:  Throwing the Hensons out made enough room for the bricks.  I should still be able to take off in full gear, but the engines aren’t responding.

BRANDI:  Well, I guess we need to form a search party for the engine parts and a witch-hunt to kill Og.  (The ship starts moving and no one knows what is going on, until Og buzzes in.)

ANGELA:  Aaagh!

BRANDI:  What’s happening?

OG:  I will save us.  I have built the ultimate custard rescuing machine!  I call it the Custard cutter!


SCENE 10 – Og pulls the ship out of the custard with the custard cutter.


STAR:  What’s happening, why are we leaving custard behind?  (He has his mouth full.)

BRANDI:  Og is saving us with a little towing ship he found.

OG:  Built!  I built it.

BRANDI:  Whatever.

OG:  My custard cutter is designed to save the day, when nearby ships are disabled.

BRANDI:  Grrr.  You know if you would have just left the parts where you found them, we could’ve just flown out with the ship anyway.  In fact, we wouldn’t have even crashed in the first place.  You ruined our mission.

OG:  Interesting theory, I like the Og saved the day theory better.

BRANDI:  By the way, according to your little shopping list, you only stole a few parts, how did you completely disable the Sexy Beast?

OG:  I only wrote a list out for the parts I had questions about.  So I asked for your advice before stealing them.  I’ve been stealing parts now for weeks.  Give me that!  (Og grabs the list out of her hand.)

BRANDI:  Here’s some advice, Don’t steal anything. 

OG:  I don't need advice on whether to steal, just on what to steal.  (Brandi rolls her eyes and takes the list.)   

STAR:  Oh, too fat, must slowly eat custard.

ANGELA:  Give me that!

STAR:  But I want it.  (His gut bursts through his shirt.)  AH, relief.


SCENE 11 – The ship is flying through space as time passes.


ANGELA:  How are the custard pains coming?

STAR:  They’ve died down.  I need more custard.

ANGELA:  No.  You don’t need custard for a long time.

STAR:  Oh, OK.  (He pokes at his secret stash, hidden in the panels, while lying on the floor.)

ANGELA:  Oh, no you don’t.  I know about your secret stash.

FUZZYWIDGET:  How goes the brick making?

BRANDI:  All done sir, we’re on our way to Fred now.

FUZZYWIDGET:  Oh great, you guys are early.  What’s that pale wiggly mound?  Oh, you’ve decided to bring a mound of custard back with you huh?

BRANDI:  No, that’s Star.  He over did it.

FUZZYWIDGET:  I see, well don’t forget to give Star the fruit basket.  The fruit is fresh from my personal vines.  (Brandi hands him the basket and he gets sick.  All you can see is his gut behind the work station, it gets smaller as he barfs.)

STAR:  Yuk!

FUZZYWIDGET:  They’re a great part of my new weight loss program.  (He is slicing Fuzzywidget fruit with his long nails.)

I-DOC:  Gross.

ANGELA:  How would you know?  You have a hot dog for a brain.

I-DOC:  I don’t need a perception converter to know that’s disgusting.




(Run credits)

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