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Rated: 13+ · Monologue · Entertainment · #173668
Words of the neighbor you wouldn't want to live next to.
Damn. There go the neighbor dogs again. Why do they wait until I am taking a visitor or my siesta? Why can't they bark after I go to the bar at night? I just know they have a clock of some kind that tells them exactly when I am due for my afternoon nap. I know, I know, dogs that bark are great property protection. Maybe they are barking for a reason. Yeah? Then why aren't mine barking? They don't bark at their shadows, that's why.

'Scuse me mister, I know I am goin on...This is what we do in a town as small as the one I live in. With a population of four hundred, complaining is the town excitement. Well, that and gossip, but everybody knows gossip goes on in a small town. How could it not when everybody knows everybody and their business?

We just got our streets paved about 6 years ago. We still don't have cable TV and I don't think we are even being considered to get it. Not that I care. I don't watch TV, but I might if I had cable!

It just dawned on me that we don't have a local news paper either. Well, maybe I should just start one. I mean hey, why not just put everybody's gossip in the paper so that nobody in town misses out? I really like that idea! I could promote myself to editor!

I guess that one goofy family, three blocks down, might not like me much, but it isn't my fault they are a bunch of in-bred weirdos. Incest doesn't work well over there. They are coming out looking like a bunch of psychos with down syndrome or something. I think the one older girl thinks she is really a guy. Maybe she is, but I don't think I really want to go check it out, that's for damn sure!

There might also be the guy over at the post office. He thinks his poop don't stink. He is forever telling the kids what we should do to make our yard look better. I notice he doesn't have six boys with cars who all think they have mechanical capabilities.

Try living in my house for a while! Over here the car parts never stay outside, and do you think I can find even one screw driver to tighten the cupboard doors in my kitchen? Hell no, and for that matter, why aren't some of these boys of mine fixing them for me? I really need to quit spoiling them so badly. Can't get a lick of work out of them any more.

I tried to have a garage sale once, but some jerk from the railroad came and tore my sign down. He said something about having right of way. I was so darn mad, I told him, 'Right of way? You moron! It's my garage sale and you are right in MY way.'

That was a while back. I don't remember how it went, but I didn't get to have that garage sale that day. I had it the next week end though and not one of them darn railroaders came by even to look. You would think that since they make more money than anybody else around here, they could at least come check out my used up old junk!

See that old coot across the street over there? The one sitting on the bench outside the grocery. You should hear some of the stories I heard about that old codger! It musta been about a million years ago, but I guess he used to be quite the ladies man. I hear he bedded the preachers wife and that's why they left town in such a hurry back in 1940 something. Sure can't see it in him now can you, just sittin there like he's all froze up or something.

My wife? Why, she up and left me and the boys when the beanery closed down and I was out of work. Said she just couldn't take the life here anymore. My youngest wasn't even five years old yet and she up and split. Can't say as it has mattered none, she wasn't worth havin around here no more anyhow.

It sure is good have someone new in town. Some of the folks around here don't like new faces, say they are buying up places too cheap and it is causing everybodys' taxes to go up. To hear them tell it, most people are just coming here to get out of the big cities because of all the crime and such, but they are bringing the crime with em. I guess I don't know how I feel about that.

You say you aren't staying long? Just passing through? Well, that's too bad cause I was kinda hoping we might be neighbors. You seem like a nice enough fella. Sure you don't want hang around here a while and meet my boys? Maybe they could fix your car for ya, change the oil or something. No? Well that's probably best, who knows when they will get back and they would just pester ya anyway, you being new and all.

It's been a real pleasure meeting you mister! If you ever pass through again, make sure to drop in and give me a holler. If I'm not here it's probably just cause I'm up having a happy hour and I'd be glad to buy you a brew when I see you again. Alright then, maybe next time. Take care not to hit any of them pot holes, darn town can't seem to get them fixed ever. Bye now!

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