|After the last signs of sleepiness disappear, awareness takes over. Flashes of events fill my mind--those things I'd rather not relive, yet I see them at a distance. There is this feeling inside--a painful, and almost squeezing sensation, which threatens to take over and I feel powerless to stop it, yet just as quickly it goes away.
It always seems to be centered around a particular relationship or lack thereof, depending on how you look at it.
Standing in my living room, I see rays of light shining through the blinds. It looks like it's going to be one of those days. You know the kind. Outside the sun shines like it often does and warms whatever it touches.
Inside, its chilly and I don't know...moody? Can a home be moody, or is it just a person's perspective making it seem so?
Did you ever get accused of coming into and out of a person's life to stir up trouble, yet you never felt as if you left their hearts? How could you come in and out considering that they accepted you, and then turn around and for no real reason reject you? It's as if you don't exist suddenly, but then they blame you for that.
This is probably a lousy example, but it's where my mind went. I look at a relationship like it's a foundation of a house. You can either care for it and build it up, or tear it down. You can bash in its walls, shatter its windows, but still the foundation remains. I suppose someone could come along and try to burn it to the ground, but then you'd have ashes and still some solid remains.
Just like me. Maybe I crashed and burned. Maybe I am the burning cinders.
Do you think you could do better? How about you walk in my shoes for a while? Then lets see how you fare.
Regardless, I will stay being me for as long as I live. I'm really okay with that too, because I know that I have a good heart and I've had to swallow my pride sometimes. I've allowed people to say things that aren't true. I've stood accused and condemned by others who either don't quite understand or don't want to. You don't have to say it. It's revealed in your actions. *shrugs*
Have at it.
It doesn't change anything really. I'm still going to keep loving the ones I do and try to forgive those that don't even ask to be forgiven. I refuse to pretend that it doesn't matter to me. It does matter and that's why ...I guess I'm haunted.
Love is the only answer.