The Rime of the Drunken Englishman

A Parody of Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Mariner

Outside the famous Cock and Bull,
A drunk came stumbling by;
His face was smeared with dung so thick,
The stench near made me cry.

He grabbed my arm with crooked smile
And dribbled on my coat.
‘Would sir be kind and give to me
A legal tender note?

I wouldn’t ask but foolishly
I left my cash at home,
And bought a single for the bus.’
He said mouth flecked with foam.

‘I’ve wandered far,’ the mad-man said,
‘This night across the land.
And in the mist I found a barn
With chickens close to hand.

As stomach roared my hand was stirred
And snatched to me the nearest bird
A screech, a squawk and feathers blurred
Then backwards twists its beak,
The others call, and scratch and brawl,
Their prospects then seemed bleak.

But as I cooked upon the fire
That shone like Godly praise;
In burst the farmer gun aloft
His topaz eyes ablaze.

Though as I ran I fell in muck,
So hence my present state.’
But as he spoke his fist came round
And I woke wiser on the ground
My wallet reduced in weight.