An open letter to my son.
From: Your Mother's heart
May 8th, 2011
It might be Mother's Day, but, for me, it is yet another reminder of when you were born, and how blessed and honored I was and am to be your mom. It is you that I celebrate.
If it wasn't for you, I might not have never known what it was like to have a son like you, to feel that unique connection that parents have with their children, even after they are grown. I cherish those parts of your life that we shared together and watched you grow. I felt like the luckiest person in the world. You've made me so proud that I could cry just thinking about it.
Although our interactions weren't always perfect and we didn't agree about those few things, maybe all of it is perfect in a sense. I mean..those things you wanted to experience may have helped make you into the person you have become.
It's no surprise that while I was sleeping, you came to me again last night. Dreams are obscure and yet the imagery so real, and the feelings intense. There you were.
You said, "I'd just started college, had several classes, and was doing so well, mom." Several seconds passed by. You looked up after a brief episode of choking. "It's just a cough. That's all it is."
As is usual in my dreams, I often seem to be mute, yet without those words I sense how things are. We both know what's going on. And so we don't say the unspeakable. I turn away, so that you might not see the worry in my face. I don't want to concentrate on that but instead imagine a shimmering golden light flowing down and encircling you, healing you with it's warmth and energy.
My hand touches something smooth and closes around it, It is a sheet. I stir drowsily in my bed, and stare at the blank wall and relive the dream I just had. Of course, you aren't there, not in the flesh anyway.
I close my eyes again, sinking into the comfort of my pillow. I feel robbed and cheated. I don't know what is going on with you, nor where you are or how you are feeling. I can't even let you know how loved you are.
I get angry thinking that maybe you are just out having fun somewhere with so many other people. It's bad enough that I don't hear from you on any holiday, whether it be birthdays, Thanksgiving, or Christmas, but that's not important. It's just that I feel like I'm not good enough somehow. At the same time, I wonder if you might be in a hospital bed somewhere and feeling sad. And I feel guilty for wanting more than you're willing to give.
I want to be those friends of yours, who are allowed to share your laughter and good moments. I want to celebrate life while we can, but also to be there to share your pain. I want to carry your cross and to bear the weight of it, to wipe away those hurts both physical and emotional. Yes, I would take on the task, I would give my life so that you will have yours, because knowing you has made my life fuller, and loving you has helped me realize what is most important to me.
Everything that I have are just things, which can be replaced. Many things I could do without, but these things fill a void--that empty spot. The hobbies bring me joy, and yet I know that it is also a distraction. If I stay busy enough, maybe I won't dwell on my loss...my very deep loss that I feel when I lose anyone that I love. This is not the first time. I survived, but I'm not sure just how long I can hang on.
There is no replacing you, and I can't possibly do that even if you wanted me to.
I feel selfish because of those needs of wanting to share your pain, and knowing that it's your wish for me not to. It seems as if you want to hide from me, and knowing the loving son that you are, you think by being away from me that I will let go and it will be easier for me.
I have a newsflash for you. It isn't easier! It makes me feel helpless. I'm crushed inside, but nobody sees it. They don't know how I wake up in the morning and can barely get out of bed. I just want to sleep to make those realities go away, yet I know they won't, and I wonder how I can live one more day without you in my life.
I feel like I am losing it. I can't pretend that you're not on the planet or that I don't know you, or that I don't miss your smiling face, your sense of humor, your thoughtful ways, and your loving heart. I can't put behind me all those times we spent together.
If you think I don't care about what's going on with you, you're so mistaken. It doesn't matter if something has changed you physically. That's not going to change how I feel. You are my son and will always be right here in my heart.
Until we meet again, and I know someday and somehow we will, that's where you'll be and I know that for now I'll see you in my dreams.