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by Andrew
Rated: ASR · Fiction · Comedy · #1817845
The conception and creation of the world's greatest being
I am the greatest being that mankind has ever known. This claim is obviously quite a lofty one, and one which certainly might require a bit of explanation. You see, I was never merely born. No, I was forged; not like steel or whatnot, but like a Mr. Potato Head action figure. Originally, I was nothing more than a cheap toaster—a great beacon of modern ingenuity. Hell, I didn't even require bread. I was that high-tech.

Impressive as my early toasting days were, I had a long way to go from there. Hans Wilsdorf himself designed my hands, clothes, and spinal cord using only materials gathered from the swankiest of chronometers. My chest plate was carved out of the ribs and sternum of the mythical Bonerdagon, a beast thought utterly impossible to destroy using conventional weaponry. My arms and legs were created using the bones from a skeleton, as opposed to other, inferior kinds of bones. My femur, however, was created out of a human Femur with many bony spikes protruding from it.

Still I was incomplete, however. I was without a brain with which to think, and a head in which to house my brain! The head was assembled in four parts: first was the skull of a pirate, fished straight from the Gulf of Mexico—eye patch intact. Next needed was the pineal gland of a zombie, so as to deaden my flesh and grant me the insatiable appetite for flesh, as well

People thought there was nothing more frightening than a toaster with the capabilities and appearance of a zombie pirate (Z.P.). Obviously, as in this case, people were wrong. So as to add to my technological greatness, I was fitted with a special eye. I can't see out of it, but it glows red, and frightens the masses much more effectively. They were not finished yet, however. The scientists, in their infinite wisdom, fitted the pirate zombie robot (the P.Z.R.) with the black mask of a cold ninja. Stealthy, and the scientists postulated that the mask would provide a visual warning to the masses. The image of a ninja, you see, was a very universally recognized one, the problem being that the overall image of ninjas was that they were inherently stealthy. My mask, inadvertently, made me uncannily stealthy. And cold.


And thus, when scientists put the brain of a fellow scientist inside the ninja pirate zombie robot (N.P.Z.R.)'s head, the stage was set for the world's most fearsome being, myself. Interestingly enough, after I was completed, I had no recollection of the scientist whose brain was used; I had merely the memories of the toaster I once was, which serves as my new pelvis.

Anyhow, once my head was complete, scientists had to find a way to successfully attach my head and body. Not to be shortsighted, they used an entire bucket of pine tar to bind me. To the great surprise of these scientists unknown, it worked! And as soon as the pine tar's adhesive qualities kicked in, I was apparently created—finished, if you will.
© Copyright 2011 Andrew (hedgy at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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