Another letter of my heartbreak.
|Those words echoing, that most haunting… That taunting ring…
You really don’t get it do you? You don’t know what I have become.. Yet, I become this monster all because of you.
I love you. I love you so much that every part of my being aches when I think of you. And I always think about you.
It has been so long since I held you in my arms, since I kissed those soft, delicious lips. Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock… My life passes right by me. I am caught in those moments when you were mine. The times that you had always been mine. Those very last precious, passionate minutes when you would come back to me… Only to go home to her.
MK, my love, my best friend, my wife… I wonder if she is still apart of you? When I filter through the decay, I come across my heart of hearts… It beats for you.
In a few months, it will be a year… Since I felt that sickening, draining pain. Since my sunlight turned into rain. Since the day that you slipped away.
I remember it all. I feel the hurt, as if it only happened seconds ago. I remember the very moment you told me that you weren’t in love with me anymore. I recall the distress, the confusion, the gut wrenching blow of your deceit. I told you that I had let you go, but I lied. Marissa, baby, I will never let you go. However, I came to a point in my life… When I knew that we, all that we were, whatever we fucking were… We were over. Guess it came down to acceptance. And forgivness. But I had always forgiven you. Do you remember when I cried to you on the phone.. I told you that I forgave you. That it was ok. I asked if we could go back to our life… Do you remember what you said? And do you remember that day, when you told that filthy toe rag who destroyed us, that you had already found your true love? You had found Me. I remember it quite clearly, right down too the facial expression you had while you recounted that very conversation.
Why don’t I move on? I have moved on. In fact, I moved across an entire country. And here I am. A shell of the girl that you loved. The only way she would ever be ok, is the moment that you come back to me. It’s ok, I may be stupidly in love but I am not a fool. You aren’t coming back to me. I live with that every day.
Hey, Marissa… I hope that one day… You read this blog. I want you to see where life has taken me. I hope that you read all of my blogs that are written to you, about you & for you… Not because I want to hurt you, but because I want you to see how much you fucking meant to me. And still do mean to me.
I will never know what I am to you now, what was I too you then? I do know that my life has not been the same since you left. We are soul mates, you can not deny that… You, my love, are the missing piece of my puzzle… Maybe one day we will have drinks, we will laugh & reminisce? Maybe we will look into each others eyes & see our very own reflections staring back at us? Maybe, in a year, a decade, another life.. We will find each other again.. Our souls will intertwine & rejoice for having been reunited. Our hearts will sing & our eyes will cry but our lips will smile & we will reach out for one another… Having found our true happiness?
Maybe I am just fucking kidding myself???