About an unhealthy obsession
|When I was a teenager, I was so in love with the band Linkin Park. I would listen to their music everyday on my cassette (My parents wouldn’t buy me the cd copies of their albums because they were expensive so they bought me tapes cassette tapes instead) watch their videos on MTV and in the internet, download all of their songs (including the “rare” ones: the songs they wrote before they were known as Linkin Park) and saved articles about them and their pictures from various fan sites. When I get bored in class, I would secretly write the lyrics of their songs on my notebook. When I felt bad because my classmate/s bullied me or had a row with my mom, I would play one of their albums and headbang to it all day and it would make me feel good. During break time, I would talk to my friends about that band. You can tell that I was too much obsessed about that band and you might think that my obsession with them is quite normal. But you’re completely wrong! I failed the subjects I’m not particularly good at (subjects like Algebra and Science) when I was a first year student because I was too busy listening to their music and watching their videos to study! When I got the failing grades, I stopped listening to their music and watching their videos for a while so I would have more time to study. I passed all my subjects before the school year ended and I was so glad I didn’t have to repeat them. That was the time when I learned to manage my time. This unhealthy obsession stopped ever since. But I’m still a fan of Linkin Park although I don’t worship them anymore like I used to.
When I was in college, I didn’t have an unhealthy obsession (thank God!). I was and still am in love with novels but those novels didn’t prevent me from concentrating on my studies and getting a college degree.
Now that I am working as an encoder, I have an unhealthy obsession again. It’s not an obsession with a band or a novel. It’s an obsession with a person. A man who is five (?) years older than me. He’s a b-boy of a certain dance group. I like him so much not because he is handsome (He’s not even handsome! He looks like Tado, a funny-looking comedian/activist in the Philippines.) I like him because he’s kinda nice (he can be mean sometimes) and because he can read the behaviour of a person the first time he meets him/her (Yes, he read mine). While his skill in reading a person’s behaviour can scare a person, it didn’t scare me. In fact, it fascinated me. It’s a cool skill, you know! It’s something not every one of us has. But it’s not the only thing about him that fascinated me.
I am fascinated by how he kissed me and didn’t feel anything but lust. It seems so normal to him. Of course, he’s a guy! Most guys kiss girls and feel nothing for them. I know it sounds silly but since he kissed me everything became so beautiful. It made me a nicer person. It lessened my being a hothead… at least for a little while (A little while means one week). When that week ended, my being a hothead came back again. Why? Because I know deep inside that I constantly think of someone who doesn’t even think of me!
His indifference to me and his way of snubbing me and ignoring my existence irritated me. But it did not only irritate me. It also angered me. And you know what angered me more? It’s the fact that I’m head over heels in love with him despite of this!
I love him to death. He doesn’t know it but my world revolves around him. Despite of his coldness, I still want to be with him. When we argue through text messaging, his nasty text messages with swear words looked like love letters to me. The way he said “Wala akong pakialam sayo. Sa kapamilya ko nga wala akong pakialam. May pakialam lang ako sa sarili ko (I don’t care about you and even my family. I only care about myself.)” in one of our arguments makes me think that he didn’t mean the first sentence he said. I try to convince myself that he cares for me too. He’s just denying that he does.
I worship him like I worshipped Linkin Park before. I type his name on MS Word numerous times and delete it when my fingers get tired so that no one will see it. I call him just so I’d hear his voice. It’s music to my ears. I think about his lips before I go to sleep. I write this essay which he probably wouldn’t read.
Since he doesn’t fancy me the way I fancy him , I just wish that he would have a decency to at least be nice to me and treat me like an important person (like a friend, not a princess!) because I am a human being and I have feelings too! And because I couldn’t stop my obsession with him no matter how much I try!