by BIG BAD WOLF
A spoof of the "Wasteland Patrol" scene from StarCraft, mixed with Scare Tactics.
|Out in the Wastelands of the planet Mar Sara, two Confederate soldiers are out patrolling for suspicious activity in a reconnaissance vehicle. A radio is playing an old song, based on one from Old Earth.
“Hey Sarge, why the hell do we always have to listen to this shit anyways?” the one man asks.
“Because I’m in charge Lester,” says the other. “That’s why.”
“Well that doesn’t seem fair,” Lester mutters. “Hey what’s that?”
At that moment, something dashes in front of the vehicle.
“Look out!” Lester shouts, just as the vehicle hits the creature.
“Sweet Rover!” the Sarge shouts as the vehicle stops.
The two men get out of the vehicle and walk to the front of it.
“Looks like you mashed some poor fellar’s dog sir,” Lester says.
“It’s a zergling Lester, a smaller type of Zerg,” the Sarge says. “But they shouldn’t be out here unless-” A growl comes from behind the two. “Oh shit.”
The two turned around and saw a group of zerglings, with some hydralisks leading them.
“I love you Sarge,” Lester says.
“Uhg, shut up,” the Sarge mutters, as the Zerg move closer.
“Sarge, are you scared?” Lester asks.
“Yeah,” the Sarge mutters.
“Well you shouldn’t be.”
“Because you’re on Scare Tactics!”
“WHAT!?” the Sarge shouts, just as the zerglings and hydralisks burst out in laughter, including the one who had been hit.
“Your friends Lester and James Raynor set you up,” the lead hydralisk said, with a grating laugh.
“What do you mean?” the Sarge shouts.
“You forgot about that stunt you pulled at the cantina?” the Marshal asks, coming out from between a couple of hydralisks. “I could hardly feel my mouth for a month after you pulled that trick on me. Powdered Chili Peppers, remember.”
“Oh that one,” the Sarge says with a chuckle. “You should have seen your face, it was so red and you were drinking everything in the place, trying to cool yourself down.”
“Well I have this on camera,” James says, waving a disk. “I can’t wait to show it to the others, telling everyone that you were scared.”
“Jimmy, please don’t,” the Sarge begs. “I wouldn’t be able to show my face there again.”
“Then you’d better think of something,” James says with a chuckle, as he and the hydralisks and zerglings begin to walk away.
“Damn,” the Sarge says, as he looks at the vehicle. “How do I explain this?”
“Simple,” Lester says, with a chuckle. “Put down in the report that some local militia challenged us to a race, and we lost, and crashed the vehicle.”
“Yeah, that sounds better than being the butt end of a prank.”
If you’ve played StarCraft, specifically the original game, you might recognize this scene from the “Wasteland Patrol”. If you haven’t played the game, or seen the clip on YouTube, the scene plays out the same until the point that the Zerg make their attack. Everything from the point where Lester asks the Sarge if he’s scared onwards is my own creation. I think it’s funnier this way.
If you never played the game, Lester, Sarge, and James Raynor (who’s a big hero of the StarCraft series) are what are known as Terrans, descended from prisoners who were exiled from Earth. The Zerg are an alien race that is bent on destroying/absorbing the Terrans. They are basically a mixture of reptile and insects in appearance. Zerglings are a common form, and are basically like a cross between a dog and a cockroach- basically, overgrown pests. Hydralisks are like overgrown lizards with scythes for forearms, and are higher on the caste ranking of the Zerg race.