Searching for someone.
|I need to find someone. I have vague memories of her; soft, pleasant memories - and then she's gone. I see her reflected in the large eye of an Arabian horse now and then, and I sometimes feel her presence in a passing breeze that smells like rain and grass. Or in the light of a sunbeam as it floods the carpet in front of a window and warms a sleeping cat. I see her a lot in my dreams, along with some very familiar houses and rooms that once were hers, and at times she exists beside me in those dreams, and there are two of us. Her and me. I am big, clumsy, and too very aware of everything. She is smaller, and she smiles a lot. She's such a dreamer. So full of life and of hope. She just knows everything will be all right once she grows up and can take full control of her world... because, of course, it is They who are holding her down. Them and their stupid "church." If there ever was a God, she's convinced, He'd never be the way they say He is. Something is definitely wrong here, so terribly wrong. But they don't listen to her. If it's not in the Bible, then it doesn't matter. And further, if it isn't in the Bible, then it basically doesn't exist. And they can prove it all - their way, because there IS no other Way. Or so they proclaim.
And, yes, part of her is twisted with this grandiose mess - but she's also learned, very early on, to turn a deaf ear to their testimonies and to live in her own mind. Because she can. And really rather well, too. Except that there's still so much missing...
And now and then, she thinks she may have found the missing piece, and it's an all-out obsession to put it into place. Until it won't fit - or until she finds another missing piece, different from the first. And then her loyalties get all confused. Because she only has "so-much" faith to give away. But she still keeps hanging on - holding out to find that eternal MISSING PIECE.
And once again, I guess she thought she'd discovered it, one more time - only to find again that she still wasn't too sure, anyway. And so what. It wasn't like anybody really cared about her life. They all just wanted her to do and be - not understanding that she was so weak and fragile, and only now just barely becoming.