by Kimber Ley
Asking and answering BIG life questions and hoping to help people find solutions.
|Breaking Question of the Day~05/25/2012
If she calls and he is not picking up on time, she thinks he is with another woman…when he doesn’t come home on time, she thinks he has left her, when she serves him and he didn’t finish his food, she complains he has eaten somewhere else…as much as he assures her he loves her, she keeps doubting him…they said it is insecurity…BREAKING QUESTIONS OF THE DAY…What is the consequences of what she is doing…how can she deal with it???
I believe there are three reasons why this happens:
#1. She SENSES with a feeling deep inside herself that something is NOT right and he is guilty of whatever she is accusing him of because to some extent there is a truth in it.
IF this scenario is TRUTH there is nothing you will be able to do to change it unless she refuses to believe her own voice and instincts in which case you can just continue to lie, lie, lie and deny, deny, deny until one or the other of you get sick of the bullshit. EVENTUALLY truth will surface and whatever it is will be dealt with.
#2. She has previously been in a relationship where these accusations lead to TRUTH because he was cheating on her.
IF this scenario is the one that is TRUE then I have something to say which I hope will be helpful and the experience to back it. It IS insecurity. It comes from giving your trust to someone and having it broken. The NEXT relationship to come after that is HARD because it requires the person you are with to have PATIENCE you wouldn’t believe and unless you really love her a great deal may threaten to break even the strongest man. BE PATIENT anyway. TRY HARD. She will find the other side eventually. However, you must also help her to see and remind her frequently that her behaviour is HURTFUL to you as well. I’m sure she doesn’t wish to hurt you, she’s just SO afraid of what happened before happening again it is difficult to give you ALL of her trust. Being broken is no small thing. Having the courage to pick yourself up and continue through life is no small thing. Being willing to open the door and your heart to the risk of it ever happening again is no small thing. If she’s gotten that far then you should applaud her because at least she is willing to try! YOU have to be patient and understand that this is DIFFICULT and that deep inside her is a fragile piece of her self that she NOW knows she must protect and keep safe with everything she has left in her. BEFORE…she didn’t know how big a risk it was because she had no idea how it felt to break. NOW she knows what is at stake and how difficult it is to piece yourself back together after being broken. She IS trying to trust you with all her broken pieces and believe that you will be gentle with them and be careful and keep them and her safe always but every time a scenario happens where you have an opportunity to break her again she HOLDS tight instead of letting go and TRUSTING you to be who you said you were and do what you said you’d do. EVERY time it is like standing on a precipice hoping you will catch her, yet fearing that you’ll drop her and let her shatter again. It is SO HARD. I KNOW! I have been there and done that and I understand it well. Insecurity is a demon that lives deep inside us. There are MANY reasons throughout an entire lifetime WHY it got there in the first place and there are MANY ways in which we allow it to grow and expand and deepen its hold because we FEED it. We don’t SEE it for what it is. We don’t UNDERSTAND. Your job if you LOVE her truly is to help her see that it IS a demon and by FEEDING it she will allow it to grow so big it will destroy you both and everything you hold dear about your relationship together. It IS a very difficult job. HELP her build her self esteem strong enough that she knows and feels and believes in every fibre that not only does she deserve your love and attention but also that she can depend on it and TRUST it. ALWAYS. Do that by being consistent. TRY to call on time MOST of the time so that the few times when you don’t she will have learned that there IS a reason and it is NOT automatically the WORST one. TRY to be home on time and maybe if you will be late call or text and say “I’m gonna be late but I wanted you to know so you wouldn’t worry.” ALSO be consistent by NOT catering to the times when she IS being ridiculous. For example, NOT EATING? Hmmmm…perhaps a moment when you say. “Stop being ridiculous, I’m just NOT hungry!!” Soften it by telling her it’s delicious or awesome or whatever and suggest you’ll warm it up and eat it later. Sooner or later she will stop being silly about it. You CANNOT give in to every fit and whim because that is FEEDING the demon. YOU must put your own foot down sometimes too until she learns that EACH OF YOU have a voice and some control of this relationship. EQUALLY. I’m SURE that she doesn’t want to keep you in a cage, locked up tight. I’m sure that she wants to be able to TRUST you and allow you the normal freedoms and considerations that any of us truly deserve. I’m sure that she doesn’t even SEE at all that not only is she locking you down but she’s doing it to herself as well. This is DRAINING. It takes so much of your time, attention and energy that could be put to so much better uses. It isn’t healthy. It causes so much damage and hurt and if it continues will DESTROY everything.
Lady, take a deep breath. Take a step back and see your TRUTH. Whether it is this scenario or one of the other two only YOU can control or change YOU. IF it is that you fear being broken and think that you can never endure it again then you have to know that isn’t true. You are HERE. You are living, breathing and trying to be loving with this man who is trying to love YOU. Shake it all down to the bottom and KNOW what is what. LET GO. Open your heart, give him a chance to prove to you that love and trust and relationships are POSSIBLE and more than that! Place your heart in his hands and trust him not to break it. BELIEVE he will be gentle and true and keep it safe as he should. LET GO. Shake the fear of being broken loose. We NEVER want to feel hurt and pain but it’s just part of life. All it does is show you who CAN be trusted. YOU know that it’s YOU don’t you? Whether he stays or goes or another one does or a hundred of them…in the end YOU are the one who picks up the pieces of YOU and rebuilds yourself, recreates yourself, renews yourself. YOU! You are all you really need. You are strong enough and worthy enough to love yourself, to believe in yourself, to build yourself! That he also believes it is a BONUS and you should cherish it as such. We ALL need other people but we can’t build healthy, strong relationships without knowing and loving ourselves FIRST. We need others for hundreds of different reasons but mostly to remind us that we DO have value and ARE wanted and lovable and that we are connected. MAYBE, he sees in you what you can’t see yourself. The POINT now is to SEE.
LOVE yourself. Then you will SEE that accusations and fear are breaking you both down.
LET GO. BELIEVE in him and if you can’t then just believe in YOU.
There IS a reason why you chose him…isn’t there? TRUST it!
Jealousy and insecurity and demands and accusations will NOT keep him close and you cannot hold him tighter and expect it to end well.
You MUST let go and risk your heart and open it to love and trust and joy.
If you CAN’T then the thing you fear most will happen and he will LEAVE.
YOU will still be left with YOU in the end. Isn’t it better to choose love, life and freedom than keeping him and yourself in a cage?
I’m QUITE sure you BOTH deserve better than to live life inside a cage!!
#3. She herself is guilty of some behaviours that are less than appropriate and she accuses to throw the scent off herself.
Are you guilty of transgressions of your own? Then own the TRUTH and let the poor man off the hook! The truth will set you free!
I know NOT which of these scenarios are the real TRUTH.
Obviously I believe that scenario #2 is probably the closest to the truth and it is possible the insecurity came from other places and other reasons but the result is the same…
It IS a demon and if you keep FEEDING it then it will grow bigger and more and more bad ass till it destroys everything!
You had the courage to open the door to love…now walk through it!
BE OPEN…NOT CLOSED!
Don’t hold tight…LET GO!
BELIEVE! In him, in you…in BOTH OF YOU together!!
The only person that can correct this situation really is YOU by recognizing that you ARE trying to cage him instead of taking a leap of faith and TRUSTING him not to fly away!
REMIND yourself that you are lovable and worthy so why would he want to leave you? TRUST.
What if you DO and he is actually EVERYTHING you always hoped he was?
Isn’t that WORTH the risk?
It’s ok to be a little bit jealous and a little bit insecure because we ALL are to some extent. We’re human and we’re not perfect but when your insecurities begin to make a relationship feel stressful and closed rather than open and trusting it is TIME to do something about it.
I would advise counselling. There is no shame in asking for help from experienced and knowledgeable people. Maybe they will help you see what you can’t by yourself.
Doing whatever you can to build a healthy and happy relationship should always be the end goal, don’t you think?
I truly wish you both well. xo