by Mike Makara
A satire on the amount of things people will do to be twigs.
| We all know how difficult it is to retain that "perfect vertical line" body type that many of us covet. Many of us are willing to do almost anything to lose weight! I myself purged almost a half dozen times just today, and boy does it work wonders for my physique! Here are some basic tips to start losing weight, for all of you who have issues.
1. If you feel hungry, drink a glass of water! Oftentimes, we mistake thirst for hunger. If you're still hungry after that water, have another glass. If it still doesn't work, have just one more. Repeat until you aren't hungry, or you have water poisoning.
2. Plan all of your meals ahead of time so that they are all either cabbage or lettuce. If you can avoid deviating, you can lose up to 100% of your body weight in a year, depending on how damp your burial site is.
3. Foods with healthy fats, such as almonds and salmon, will only make you fatter. That's why it's called fat. Avoid foods like this at all costs - they're trying to fool you.
4. Eat only zero-calorie foods. If you don't consume any calories, there's no way for you to gain weight!
5. Record all of your meals in a notebook so that later you can stare guiltily at the words you hastily scratched while you stuffed your face with all of that foulness you call "a square meal."
6. Remember that no food is really safe.
7. If all else fails, extend one finger as if you were pointing, and forcibly jam it down your throat, holding it there until you expel the contents of your stomach, so you can get a fresh start on the day.