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Rated: 13+ · Short Story · Comedy · #1997572
A support group for the clumsy and the klutzy. Black and blue for the accident prone!
         Time and time again, my family and I have proven that we are no strangers to personal injury. We have lived all the scenarios in a first-aid manual with our own twists. One of us has been impaled on a metal knitting needle.Yes, the attending doctor "purled" it out. Several of us have wrestled, painfully, and lost with wheels, ( the steering variety, the bicycle kind, and the wagon type). Some of us have been battered by our own furniture. A few of us now know that there's no 'safe' in a safety razor. One of us has yet to master the concept of climbing or descending stairs. Most of us don't have to run with scissors to be hurt by them. We are not "in" insurance, but we are true accident specialists!                                        
         Surely, there are others like us. People afflicted by clumsiness. People known as klutzes. People perplexed by two left feet. People allergic to gravity. People also intimately familiar with emergency rooms, in more than one city. People who have met with accidents. "Hello. I am your accident-du-jour. Please note the ice, the stairs, and the precise spot of your hard landing."                              
         I propose a support group. A gathering of like-injured folk who have teetered on crutches, hobbled with a cane, shuffled with a walker, swung with a sling, clubbed others with a plaster cast,( sorry Danielle!), changed bandages/dressings, or, perhaps, pulled out their own stitches, or glass, or staples?                                                                                                                        
         We would need a name--something that made us identifiable. I considered A.A. for Accident Accelerators, but the letter "A" is popular with both drinkers and drivers. What about O.U.C.H.? OUR UNIQUE CLUMSINESS HURTS. A group of klutzes sharing the pain of their pain.                                                                      
         OUCH members are all too familiar with the many injuries that the human body can endure such as fractures, sprains, cuts, punctures, and burns. The one badge that identifies us all is the bruise. A true OUCHer is never without at least one bruise, but usually marked by several. Of course, the official colours for our cause should be black and blue. Other illnesses have their rallying colours. Breast cancer is represented by the colour pink.                                                                      
         I can just picture OUCHers gathered in a room to hear testimonials. "Hi. My name is Sandy. My husband refers to me as The Crash-Test Dummy, and I've just broken my toes-again-the same three that I fractured two weeks ago". Perhaps with time we shall hear, "Hello. My name is Sandy and it's been seven days, three hours and sixteen minutes since my last mishap. The bruises are fading to yellow and the stitches should come out in three days."                                                            
         After our brand name and our colours, we would need our own month. All the best diseases are represented by a calendar month. February has been adopted by The Heart and Stroke Foundation. Cancer has claimed April. Multiple Sclerosis has dibs on May.                                                                                          
         I seriously considered March. It was available. It's easy to spell. People in the Education Biz choose March for their break. That word, however, was a deterrent. It causes many of us to wince. Not many OUCHers would consider their breaks to be of the lucky variety.                                                                                
         The more I thought, the more I preferred the month of February. I know it's a popular time of the year, but everything about it is perfect for OUCHers. For one thing, there's the "ru" as in "rue". Who doesn't regret an accident? This is also the shortest of the months, and a month with the least potential days for "incidents" can only be a plus.                                                                                                              
         We can co-exist with both a holiday that symbolizes love and an organization known as The Heart and Stroke Foundation. Bruised affections, bruised feelings, bruised hearts, bruised shins, or bruised knees--- a bruise is a bruise. A klutz is especially vulnerable                                                                                
         OUCHers are experienced with the sentiments expressed in Valentine's cards. We have felt "I'm Falling For You", and "I'm Head Over Heels",( In Love). These are no subtle nuances for us. I personally have attempted the painful British version of this: Ass Over Tea Kettle. While performing this daring feat on a stairway, with a set of crutches, I met my future husband. He was only temporarily stunned.                                                                                                    
         Yes, February is the perfect month for the clumsy: those clumsy at love and those prone to personal injury. Everything begins with one small step. Since this is all it takes to become a true ( black and ) blue OUCHer, please be careful!                                        

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