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Rated: 13+ · Short Story · Comedy · #2015553
A comedy with several twists.
Absurd Inconsistencies 

I woke up suddenly due to the absence of a loud bang.  I was having a difficult time falling asleep because it was so dark outside, so I made myself a cup of coffee to help put me under.  The alarm clock smacked me in the face, so I knew it was time to fall out of bed.

I didn't shower or shave, because I had an important board meeting about doing nothing.  I was already late, so I slowly walked out to the car.  It wouldn't start, so I shut the hood and drove off.  I'm one of those people who have a hard time driving with music playing, so I turned on the radio.  It was evidently some rap song called "The News", that had to be the longest song I've ever heard ... almost twenty minutes long.

I parked in my usual spot with my sign that says, "Reserved for Handicapped".  My name is Robert Handicapp.  It was great of the company to enforce the $250.00 penalty fine, if some idiot decided to take my spot.

Everyone was surprised when I walked through the plate glass window.  It seemed to be a bit louder than it normally was.  My coworkers were all busy slacking off at their computers, so I high five'd them as I limped toward my cubicle.  My boss, Emily walked backwards out of her office and asked me why I was so early to work?  I looked at the clock and realized that it was making a ticking sound, so I told Emily, "we'd better get the bomb squad over here right away ... this clock is ticking!"  The squad arrived in a very timely manner ... about four hours later, and had coffee with us before dismantling the clock.  "Whew, (I said), thanks, that was a close one."

I have a passion for pickles, so I keep some in a jar of formaldehyde on my desk with my two headed snake.  The black pickles are the tastiest, especially with a little sardine ice cream on the side.

It was the end of my shift so I sat down and gave the boss a kiss on my way out.  She patted me on the rear and said, "have a nice morning Robert."

Luckily, my car wouldn't start, so I pulled out of the parking spot rather slowly.  I had to make a stop on the way home at my dad's house, which is convenient, since he only lives seventy eight miles from my place.  I passed there on my way to work this morning and noticed a problem.  He lives on a farm, and his barn door was open, so I needed to stop and tell him.  When I arrived, I couldn't seem to find him anywhere.  Then, I had a brilliant idea ... to bang on the front door.  That did the trick.  Dad was home and closed the door to let me in. "Dad, your barn door is open."  I couldn't understand why that made him look so down.  He said that he'd asked one of the cows to close it up before standing in the field all night. "Must have just forgotten, I guess."

Since I was there, I sat with him and enjoyed a nice cup of melted butter.  Mom died about three hundred years ago and left all of the  housework for dad to do.  I barely remember her, so dad would have to tell me stories about how she used to sit on me when I was a toddler, and how she would spank the dog every time I would cry.  He said I cried every time that mom sat on me, so the dog got spanked a lot.

So I said my goodbye's to dad ... hugged him dearly, and punched him in the belly so hard that he stopped breathing for a bit.  He waved at me through the stargate as I drove off.  He was a great dad, but he could never take a punch.

It started to rain as the sun went down, so I turned off my windshield wipers and headlights.  For some reason the visibility was horrible that evening, so I was glad that it was only a ten minute drive.

Just before I pulled into the driveway, I ran over the neighbors cat.  That was the third one that week.  I felt great about it as I handed them the cat's body, in a Walmart shopping bag.  They thanked me and said they would cook him up tomorrow.

It was a short day and I was pooped from doing almost nothing, so I stayed up till dawn.  It was my day off, so I went to work, well rested, and ready for another day of sorrow and torture.  I thanked God for guiding me as an atheist, each and every day of my life.


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