I'm applying for an internship and would like feedback on this essay.It's a first draft.
|Hello all who read this. This is an essay for a summer research application. It's a very selective program so the essay is important. It needs to be near 400 words. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
With a new age of medicine, people live longer than ever before. My future children will likely live to see their great-grandparents, while my grandfather wasn’t old enough to remember his mother before she died. However, all these improvements come with costs. I witness and remember more deaths than ever before. I realize seeing these deaths are inevitable, but the trouble comes with the remembering part.
I remember aunts not being able to go to the bathroom on their own because ovarian cancer had progressed too far. I remember friends not being able to communicate at all due to stroke. I remember grandparents too sick to be around family at thanksgiving as a result of prostate cancer. And I remember my mom, who is living with fibromyalgia, too tired and too hurting to do anything besides lie on the couch and sleep all day.
These are not the memories that neither I nor anyone else should have to keep.
Inspired by these recollections, I fell in love with helping others. My dad will be the first to admit that I was the one to grab him glasses of water and aspirin when he had a minor cold. But, I still was the “do everything” type of kid. I wanted to try every sport, every instrument, every subject and succeed in it all. And succeed I did…until high school, where reality set in. I realized I was pretty good at a lot of different things. However, I wasn’t really truly great at something.
When I was finally exposed to biology in my sophomore year, life really clicked together. I loved the subject, I was good at it, and it was a direct path to helping others in the future. I took the AP Biology exam that year and attended lectures at UCONN health center, given by doctors from all different fields. Then earlier this year, Dr. Mor spoke to my class about his Ovarian Cancer research, and, I have to admit, it was motivating to see his passion. With all these events adding up, I found what I know I’m meant to do.
My goal with medicine is to minimize the scary memories and replace them with happy people fulfilling their lives. This means we need better cures and treatments. And this is where your program comes into play. I want to be a part of the revolution to restore happy memories to families. And I want to start that now, helping out with your research.