A legal demand letter to myself. Dear Me contest entry (Jan 2015).
Law Offices of Myselfand I., Esq.
1234 First Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90000
January 31, 2015
5678 Second Street
Los Angeles, CA 90000
Re: Demand Letter
Jeff has retained my services in the matter of your mutual working relationship.
Reference is hereby made to that certain “Dear Me (2010)” letter dated as of January 2010, that certain “Dear Me (2012)” letter dated as of January 1, 2012, and that certain “Dear Me (2013)” letter dated as of January 1, 2013 (collectively herein referred to as the “Dear Me Letters”).
As promised by you in the Dear Me Letters, my client was assured that you would, among other things, write and exercise regularly. However, after a thorough audit of your records by an independent third party, it has been determined that you have neither written nor exercised regularly for quite some time - years in a fact - despite repeated requests by my client that you hold up your end of the relationship by doing so. It goes without saying that Jeff has suffered immeasurable trauma as the result of your poor choices and is now seeking recompense for those damages.
Understanding that my client still wishes to maintain a productive working relationship, and further wishes to avoid the cost of unnecessary litigation or binding arbitration, we would be willing to forego legal proceedings on this matter, provided that you capitulate unconditionally to the following three demands:
1. You must regularly work out, starting today. Our understanding is that your office building has an available gym, as does your apartment complex (the latter of which happens to be open twenty-four (24) hours a day and is a mere two (2) minute walk from your front door). You must, no less than three (3) times a week, visit the gym and enthusiastically - or at least with as much enthusiasm as you can muster for gym time - work out until you’ve lost those extra pounds you’ve been wanting to jettison for the past several years. After the weight has been eighty-sixed (86’ed), you may reduce your workout times so that you’re merely maintaining that ideal weight and fitness level.
2. You must write and self-publish at least one (1) novel during the 2015 calendar year. You and Jeff have spent considerable time researching the medium and have scraped together enough financing to make it a serious endeavor by employing professional artwork, editing services, etc. Over the past several years you’ve grown disillusioned with an industry where writers so often need to wait for someone else’s approval, and you’ve at times let it discourage you from writing at all. This will be the year where you begin the process of putting your work out there so its potential and success is determined by readers rather than agents and executives.
3. You must develop an author website and begin building a web presence for yourself before the end of 2015. This includes securing your own domain and paying someone to design a professional-quality website (unless you feel up to the challenge yourself). You must maintain this presence by blogging, tweeting, and promoting your work.
My client is willing to concede that this will likely be a transition year for the both of you, and has graciously agreed to forego his usual expectations of high output in recognition of the fact that 2015 is a venture into the unfamiliar waters of self-publishing (and getting in shape). Absent strict and prompt compliance with these demands, however, my client will have no choice but to consider dissolving your partnership and pursuing all available legal remedies in order to recover from the irreparable material, physical, and emotional damage caused by your continued inaction.
This letter should not be construed as a full recitation of the facts, and nothing contained herein shall be deemed a waiver, relinquishment, or compromise of any legal or equitable rights, claims, or remedies available to my client, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.
I sincerely hope that you and Jeff are able to resolve your differences to the satisfaction of both parties, and that the specious allegations made in those Dear Me Letters are rectified in this year's.
Myselfand I., Esq.
Entry for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" . Prompt: Write a letter to yourself and tell you what your goals are for 2015!