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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2084423
Rated: 13+ · Other · Comedy · #2084423
A short semi-parody of House of Leaves taking place in the wild world of phone tree calls.
Thank you for calling Ash Tree Telecommunications. Your call is very important to us. This is an automated system that can accommodate most inquiries, if you would like to speak to a representative, please press '13' or stay on the line and an operator will be with you shortly.

If you are calling from a cellular phone, press 1.
If you are calling from a pay phone, press 2.
If you are calling from home, press 3.
If you are calling from a rotary phone, please hold until we finish laughing at you.
If you are calling from inside someone else's house, please press 8 and we will trace your call while a representative informs your local police.

Make your selection at any time.


To proceed in English, press 1.
To proceed in Spanish, press 2.
To proceed in French, press 3.
To proceed in Japanese, press 4.
To proceed in Esperanto, press 9.

Make your selection after the tone.


If you are calling for information about our services, press 1.
If you are calling for technical support, press 2.
If you are calling to discuss a payment plan, press 3.
If you are calling to negotiate your service bundle, press 4.
If you are calling for information on 19th century Russian Impressionist painters, press 5.

Make your selection after the second beep.


You have reached our automated Tech Support system. If you would like to speak to a representative, press 3 exactly five times and say 'Minotaur'.

If you are calling for internet assistance and information, press 1.
If you are calling for hardware support and information, press 2.
If you are calling to upgrade to a premium service package, press 3.
If you are calling to register a complaint, please press 7.

Please make your selection after the first rooster sound, but before the third rooster sound.


You have reached our Internet Assistance Department. Please specify the type of internet connection you have.

If you have a DSL connection, press 1.
If you have a cable modem, press 2.
If you have a Wi-Fi modem, press 3.
If you have a Satellite connection, press 4.
If you have a Dial-Up modem, please press 5, then 6, then hold until we finish laughing at you some more.

Please make your selection after the voice finishes reciting the opening paragraph of The Iliad.

You have reached our DSL Internet Assitance Department.

If you are calling because you are having trouble with your internet connection, press 1.
If you are calling because you have forgotten your account password, press 2.
If you are calling to report a security problem with your account, press 3.
If you are calling because of a concern regarding the privacy of your connection, press 4 and stay on the line while we transfer your call to the NSA Automated Support Line.
If you are calling because of an other problem, please press 0 and express your problem in free verse spoken-word poetry.

Please make your selection after the 30 second drum solo.

You have reached our DSL Internet Automated Troubleshooting System. If you would like to speak to a representative, press 0 and then do your best Gary Busey impression while we transfer your call to an operator.

If your connection is...... slow or lag lag lagging press..... 1 1 1.
If you are unable to connect to the internet, press 2.
If your connection displays every webpage in shades of teal, press 3.
If your connection suffers performance issues when the phone is in use, press 4.
If your connection sends a painful electric shock into your hands every time you visit Google, press 5.

Please make your selection in-between the fifth and sixth beep.


I'm sorry, but there has been an error in processing your request. Please hold while the Automated Customer Help Line starts over.


Thank you for calling Ash Tree Telecommunications. Your call is very important to us. This is an automated system that can accommodate most inquiries, if you would like to speak to a representative, please press '13' or stay on the line and an operator will be with you shortly.

If you are calling from a cellular phone, press 1.
If you are calling from a pay phone, press 2.
If you are calling from home, press 3.
If you are calling from a naval vessel, press 4 and then specify the name and model of the ship and what country's Navy you are a member of, along with your rank.
If you are calling from Mars, please press 5 and wait for the orbiting satellite to connect.

Please make your selection after the fart noise.


To proceed in English, press 1.
To proceed in Old English, press 5.
To proceed in Korean, press 8.
To proceed in Latin, press 7.
To proceed in Russian, press 2.

Make your selection after the third scream.


If you are calling for information about our services, press 1.
If you are calling for technical support, press 6.
If you are calling to discuss a payment plan, press 4.
If you are calling for information on the Dyatlov Pass Event, press 2.
If you are calling to register a complaint,press 3 and get in line to kiss my ass.

The system is waiting for an entry.
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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/2084423