What if. What if? What if! WHAT IF! What iffffff????? What if!? What............... if....
|1. Trump wins (according to Bernie Sanders fans)
"Billy? It's time for school!" mom called to me upstairs.
"I don't wanna! It's tremendously hot out there!"
"Billy, that's why I invested in Trump Industries brand body cooling armor, to protect you from the extreme heat which is so prevalent nowadays and due to something other than human activities! The bill was tremendous! And gosh darn it, you're going to use it and you are going to go to school Billy."
I groaned and got out of bed. I had to admit school was a little bit more fun now than before. My favorite was blackjack class. It had replaced math class. I however wasn't a big fan of the wall-building class that had succeeded physical education. But the real downside was that Debra, my childhood friend from next door, wasn't in very many of my classes any more. She was an honors student, so all her classes were about how to attract a rich husband and take care of his every need, which was mostly cooking and sexual services.
As I was putting on my body suit, I said "Mom! Couldn't you get one of the other models! This one is tremendously heavy!"
"Billy Tergeson Junior! I will not hear a word of it! Now hurry up and get going. It's going to be a hundred and forty degrees out if you wait too long. Have a tremendous day, and keep on the look out for any dirty Mexicans!"
"Awww, mom, you're so silly, the great wall of Texas is keeping us safe from them!"
"I know honey, but you can never be too careful."
In English class, I was asked to find all the prepositions in the sentence "The dirty sand monkey walked into a room with a tremendous bomb strapped to his chest" and I said "Mrs. Melinger, there are three prepositions in that sentence! 'into', 'with' and 'to'!" I was proud of myself.
"Why so there is, Billy! I hadn't even noticed the 'to'! Tremendous performance, Billy, really tremendous! You know what that means, class!"
And the class chimed in all together "he gets a spin of the tremendous wheel!" They were all terribly excited. So was I. It was my first time. I walked to where the chalkboard used to be and spun the tremendous wheel. It flew past mostly lesser prizes, because not everyone can be a winner, and landed on 'free bottle of Trump ale'. "Oh joy!" I squealed. "I feel... feel.... tremendous!" Fortunately the legal drinking age had been lowered to 9.
"But first, Billy, we need to say the pledge of allegiance."
We all faced the new flag, with Trump's face replacing the stars, and the old red and white stripes replaced with the more presidential colors orange and yellow, and put our left arms across our chests and our right arms straight out in front of us with our hands flat.
"I pledge allegiance, to the flag, and the great country of America. And to the republic, for which it stands, one nation, under Trump, with liberty and justice to those who can pay their way."
Just then, the alarm went off. The intercom scratched into activity. "This is not a fire drill. This is an actual fire, due to spontaneous combustion from the entirely natural not human-caused heat wave, the roof of the building has completely caught fire, perhaps you may have noticed, it stands to be a tremendous problem. Please exit the building as soon as you can, and after the dust settles, we'll work to make our school great again." We quickly put our body suits on. Due to the training practice, we were so fast that only two students were crushed under falling debris. We filed outside in our huge, lumbering air conditioned body suits. It was a pretty good day.
2. Bernie wins (according to Cruz fans)
Debra was walking home with me, with a quick stop at the free abortion clinic on first street. It was a good thing there was one on every street now, otherwise we would have to go out of our way to get to one. It had been an interesting day in class. It wasn't every day we got out of class for a fire drill. Of course Debra and I had taken the chance to have sex in the bathroom again. Now that religion (particularly Christianity) has been outlawed, it seems all we ever do now is sin, because no one has any morals now.
"Debra, you know, we wouldn't have to get so many abortions if we used some of their free condoms."
"No way," she said. "Who needs a condom when we can get a free abortion. Getting an abortion is the most fun thing in the world! I'm definitely going to get one every day now."
"You know, it costs the taxpayers money to pay for those services."
"Pfff," she scoffed. "What difference does it make, everyone loses 99% of their money to taxes anyway, well white people lose 99% of it at least, what else is the government going to be doing with all that money, build ANOTHER giant gold statue of Karl Marx on the white house lawn?"
"They would give you a free education if you let them."
"Yeah, but now all the courses in college curricula are about evolution and sinning, and it's boring and I don't really feel like it, I just want to sin, not learn about it."
"You have your future to look forward to."
"All right, all right. I'll give it a shot. Just for you. Because I hate America so much, I might as well stick it to them. Oh look, that man has a crucifix around his neck, let's go oppress him!"
"Sounds like a fun time to me!"
We spent the rest of the afternoon shouting "Happy Holidays" at him, instead of "Merry Christmas". He was very sad and cried a lot at the end.
3. Clinton wins (according to Trump fans)
When we got to my house, we went our separate ways. I opened the door and walked in.
"Mooommm, I'm home!" I yelled.
"How dare you assume I'm necessarily home just because I'm a woman! I could be working at a hard job to put food on the table, for all you know. I'm not, but I could be! You need to check your male privilege at the door!" My mother's voice seemed to be shriller and whinier than it used to be, for some reason. Maybe I was just noticing it more now that she had dyed her hair bright red.
"Well, I'm WAITING!" she screeched.
I got the belt from the belt stand. I took off my shirt, and started whipping myself. "SORRY I'M MALE!" I cried, as it cracked against my back. "SORRY I'M MALE!" I repeated. "I'M SO SORRY I'M A RAPIST!" I shouted. "I'M SO SORRY TO BE AN OPPRESSOR WHO BENEFITS UNFAIRLY FROM THE PATRIARCHY!" I gave myself ten lashes in total.
"That's better," she droned snarkily. "So tell me about your day, Billy."
"Same old, same old. I took classes, we learned mostly about how Goldman Sachs and Monsanto were the answer to all our problems or something. And I hung out with friends."
"Um, mostly Debra?" Mom's eyes went wide.
"What makes you think you're entitled to bother her!?" she said choppily.
"I wasn't bothering her! We're friends!"
"YOU may think you're friends, but don't mansplain on behalf as her as HER proxy!"
"Well it's time for dinner now. Make sure to eat it all. It's rich in hearty GMOs."
"GMOs again, mom? Don't we have enough cancer already?"
"One can never have enough GMOs! And thanks to president Clinton, our anti-cancer medication has gone down in price from a thousand dollars a pill to 990! That's 10 dollars a pill we're saving now thanks to her!"
"But mother, if we didn't have cancer, we wouldn't even be..."
"Are you DISAGREEING with me, Billy? I'm going to let it slide this time, but be aware that disagreeing with a middle-aged woman now carries a 2 year jail sentence!"
"Yes mother, I'll keep that in mind next time."
"That's better, Billy. Now eat up."
"UGH!" I cried, as another tumor sprouted out of my forehead. "That one hurt."
4. Cthulhu wins (according to a committee of fluffy kittens)
After dinner, we decided to watch some television. I hit the power button, and it was already on that financial channel. "The DOW Jones rose 400 points today to close above 20 thousand for the first time ever, while the NASDAQ closed at 6281 and the S&P also reached a record high of 2312. Emerging market economies are cheering the US's new economic policies, as it looks like an era of peace and prosperity never before seen is being ushered in. Meanwhile, the Palestinian front officially declared that they would cease all aggression and welcome their Jewish friends and neighbors, while President Rivlin and the key figures of Al Qaeda and ISIS all got together and played drinking games all night long. President Ctulhu has opened up the first interdimensional mass transit system between Earth and R'lyeh, while free trade agreements were forged that would resonate for generations to come. Back to you, Bob."
"Well that sounds really great, Marcia! I'm surprised I didn't..."
"Boring!" I said. I changed the channel. It was a commercial. A commercial for the greatest thing ever, something that would have never been remotely possible in the prior economic or social environment. I'm not going to tell you what it was, I'm just going to let you try to imagine it. Bask in its greatness. Bask. Bask. Ok, enough basking.
The next morning was perfect. The weather was perfect, and it just seemed impossible not to be optimistic about everything. As I left for school, I met Debra.
"Billy?" she said.
"There's something I want to tell you, that I have wanted to say for a long time now. I really like you! I was hoping maybe we could become more than friends?"
"Wow! This is the best morning ever!" I replied. Then we stepped onto the teleportation pads and were transported directly to school, where futuristic devices effortlessly uploaded the data into our brains.
As we left the school, I looked up and smiled, as I stepped into a brighter future with Debra. And then alien larvae burst their ways out of our bodies, and as we bled to death in agony, President Cthulhu came by and swallowed our souls, trapping us both in an eternal limbo of endless torment.
This message approved by Cthulhu. Vote for the Great Old One in 2016! Stop trying to choose the lesser evil!