Talking her way out of hosting Thanksgiving dinner
|"No! Absolutely not! Unequivocally no!"
"But, Aunt Gertrude, it's your turn to cook the Thanksgiving dinner."
"I didn't mean it wasn't my turn to cook. What mean is I AM NOT going to kill that turkey. I refuse to decapitate a living creature just to feed a bunch of ungrateful carnivores."
"Aunt Gertrude, you're over exaggerating."
"Patricia Louise Sanders, don't you remember what happened last year at Grandma Rema's house. That bunch of vultures, that we call family, nearly consumed Granny Rema herself before they finished their feeding frenzy."
"That IS NOT what happened. George didn't bit Granny on purpose. Her hand got between him and the drumstick. He apologized. He paid her hospital bill and for the rabies shots, which I didn't think was necessary."
"Of course, they were necessary. George is a rabid wolf in sheep's clothing."
"Look, Aunt Gertrude, if you don't want to kill the turkey, I'll do it."
"Patricia, you can all so dress and cook that bird because I'm not endangering my life by serving meat. I've decided to become a vegan."
"Auntie, we just finished eating roast beef sandwiches. When did you become a vegetarian?"
"Just now! For Thanksgiving I'm fixing Tofurky with mashed potatoes and Tofurky gravy. We'll also have creamed spinach, a garden salad, brandied yams, croissants, and pumpkin pie."
"Tofurky? What's that?"
"It's tofu blended with some sort of grain."
"Gertrude Angelic Sanders, you CANNOT be serious! It's a Sanders' family custom for the cook to kill the turkey herself, dress it, and roast the bird on a barbecue spit. You'll disappoint the entire family."
"Screw custom! Patricia, if you don't want anyone disappointed then I suggest you inform them of this year's Thanksgiving menu. That way they have time to make up some phony excuse for not coming."