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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2115371-The-Comedian
by idiot
Rated: E · Short Story · Entertainment · #2115371
stand up comic
The Comedian

He grew up in the mountains of Upstate New York. His teachers would send him to the principal's office often, for disrupting the class.

'Ladies and gentlemen; it's time for Jungle Bunny Benny' (Clapping and roaring)

'How you feel audience; on the way over, an old lady came up to me and ask me for my autograph; I said no!' (Cymbal crash)

'I peaked in a window and saw a dog giving C.P. R. to his master (Laughter)

'Black Friday. The protesters better have medical insurance. The public will plow them over, and then,, the protesters would take it out on the 'scabs.' (Audience wowing)

'The invisible man visited a lonely lady. After wards she cried out please come back!' (Laughter)

'I'll tell you; the economy is so bad people are living in trees!' (Settled Laughter)

'Poor Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer; Join a union and demand that the other reindeer play with you; in the spring summer and fall; or else! (Clapping)

'What goes up must come down. A homeless man got hit by space debris and felt good. With Blood all over his face, he screams out; look what happened to me! I told you I was somebody But the idiot didn't even sue for benefits. (Audience awing)

'The kid says mommy; what are you going to get me for Christmas? She replies; a slap in the face. (Audience at the same time saying nooooo!)

'You want to hear my ghost imitation? Boo! (Laughter)

What's the weather going to be like? The old women calls in to the news station. The barometer of your sore bunions rain and clouds you old fool!.' (Tom tom, cymbal crash audience laughing)

'A man asked me if I would help him with a charge of his car battery, in the dead of winter. I was on the shoulder of the highway, and the hood of the car was up. My reply; give me your cellular phone idiot! I'm in the same predicament.' (Audience laughs)

'Do you have fire insurance? (Person in the audience screams yea!) So give me the matches, and let's get are stories straight.' (Audience laughs, and boos)

'Some vagrant ask me what my mother looked like. I replied way better than your drunk unkempt self'. (Audience awing)

'Why bother going outside. You're only going to get beat up again, and your parents are tired of replacing your teeth over and over, and over, and over again'. (Audience laughs)

'Occupied Boston; get the shovel trucks and shovel 'em up, and take them to a rural area.' (Audience Laughs)

'Saw a bumper sticker that read heterosexuals have rights tooooo.' (Audience says wow at the same time)

'People have no respect for life. An orderly snuck in the pediatric ward and switched kids. To this day the parents don't know, neither does the twenty year old kids. The one kid would be shocked to find out that he was Norwegian Royalty. It's unfortunate that he's living in a trailer community. The real white trailer- trash- kid has diplomatic responsibilities, and lives it up every night! ' (audience roaring)

' A kid had to take an exam and he put the sample question in the first question place.When he finished the test the teacher put the correct answer sheet over his test and all answers were wrong. So the kid tells the teacher well can you slide the answer sheet down a notch? Oh no buster! Next time pay attention to instruction, putting a big red x on his answer sheet. (audience auhing)

"What's for dinner honey? Your launch honey bunch" (audience laughing)

'Keep laughing; I'm running out of jokes', staring in the TV. Camera. Jungle Bunny Benny then says, 'Let's go to a commercial break the viewers need products; isn't this what this is all about; commercials?' (Audience laughing)

'If they got rid of all types of weaponry somehow. They'll only go back to piling up rocks and throwing them at the enemies', 'Goodnight!' (Audience stomping on the floor for more)

The Comedian in Los Vegas

I heard there having a terrible time with the snow in New York and New England; are you sorry? I went to Colorado and saw a black couple sking. I was just there to take this white boy to The Bronx , to be united with his Puertorican father. (Audience quietly laughs)

This is my first time in Vegas; your not laughing at my jokes because you lost everything? (most of the audience laugh quietly while one person howls)

did you hear about Boston,Massachusettes; it's sad, but life goes back to the tables! (audience ahhs)

I------ owe...! so i'm not getting paid for humoring you ( Audience Laughs, paying attention to the comedain.)

It's a mirical how people get thinks done; and there not cable of those things that got done. for instance; gambling is no responsible way. you can't perdict it. (audience mumbles to each other)

O.K. enough about that; when i was a kid we use to play this card game called Knuckles. The object of the game; to keep it short, was to run out of cards, and if you didn't the number of cards were the number of times people got to smash your knuckles. I would sneak some oil on the cards and lose deliberatily. the big winners couln't wait to smash your knuckles to red. While the big winner hit my knuckle once, the cards went up in the air , and onto the floor. If the big winner drops the card during a smash, the rules of the game were that you had 52 smashes coming to you. (Audience laughs, and ooh

A friend of mind once told me that I would never make Vagas; no wayno form. What he meant,is I was subjectected to being an insect, never bieng a pesky to the people in the casinos. My reply; friend if you win anything in Vegas I'll come in the form of a bee, and I know your allergic to them. (audience laughs and claps)

wish I had more time with you Vega! Maybe we can lose everything again sometime. (The jazz band plays, when most of the people in the audience are back to their business in other places in the casino.)

The Comedian

In New York City

"it's good to be back in the state... I have to tell you... ; people are always looking to take the little guy down. I'll tell you; when they beat you up, in front of friends, that don't want to get involved helping you...later on in life; when the punk bully is alone,and you see him right there in front of your eyes...: don't be the bully they were. Just look at their pathetic face and smile., and keep walking,and hope they may take you for another sucker; so you can beat them up, and let them know they messed up with the wrong guy... how's that eye!!! (Audience roars in laughter)

life does you wrong right; make lemondade from lemons then splash it in the problems "face" (Audience suttlely laughs)
woo! ,It gets hot in the summer. Doesn't mean you have to dive in water when you don't no how to swim. (audience laughs casually)
Going on vacation? I went on Vacation, and me and the wife and kids were sitting in the car. I tried to start the car but forgot to get gas, which was on the check list. It's a good thing; because I forgot to pack the water, on are vacation to the Mojave desert! (Benny thumps the center of his lower hand to his head, when the audience laughs hysterically, when you could here people questioning his intelligents)
" Well; Back in New York. The kids have attention span problems, trying to figure out...; intelligently; what their going to be for Halloween?
I say;Be a Genius!!!", The Comedian says, when the audience yells like a pack of wolves.
"So here comes Thanksgiving; again. met a woman on Halloween that says she's a vegetarian. invited her to a family gala
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