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Rated: 13+ · Fiction · Comedy · #2151850
How to have a green lawn without grass.
To turf or not to turf, that is the question. All right, maybe that isn't quite the right phrasing. Maybe, the right question is, how do I get a green lawn without spending an unreasonable amount on artificial turf or drought resistant grass?

Let me explain, while I tend to be somewhat liberal in my political affiliations. I am extremely conservative when my finances are involved. This means that I won't spend money on nonsensical stuff like artificial turf or grass that is guaranteed to grow in drought conditions. It isn't that I don't like having a green lawn, because I would love to have a beautiful verdant front yard. The problem with real grass, even when it's drought resistant, is the water bill. The problem with artificial turf is that it cost money to have a professional put it in.

I don't mind paying a hundred dollar water bill to keep my family, pets, and house clean; however, I'm not going to pay that much to keep my lawn green. Nor am I going to pay that much money to have some con artist come in just to put in artificial turf, desert landscaping, or to stone my yard. Therefore, when the Water District sent me outrageous water bills, just to keep my yellow grass from dying. I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I'm sure my neighbors thought I was crazy when I started this project, but who cares what those snobs think. I decided the best way to handle the problem, was to pour cement in the front yard and paint it green. The first step, was to remove everything from the yard that would get in the way when I poured the cement. Never mind, that I didn't have any experience pouring cement, much less mixing it to pour.

I started out by removing every stone, twig, grass blade, or weed that was growing in the yard. It took me only two weeks to finish that. I was going to pour the cement then. I went on-line to research how to pour cement, it was at this point I realized that the tree in my yard might be a problem. The tree was some sort of pine tree, which meant it had a shallow root system. If I left the tree in my yard, its roots would eventually destroy the cement in the yard.

I got an estimate about how much it would cost to have the tree removed. I almost had a heart attack, when the Tree Guy told me a thousand dollars plus time and labor. I decided to cut the tree down myself. I rented a chain saw, and began cutting into the tree. Apparently I pissed the ravens off that were nesting in the tree. The birds attacked me. I let go of the chainsaw, and ran into my house.

The chainsaw didn't stop like the directions said it was supposed to. The saw continued running, and cutting. The tree fell onto my neighbor's house and the power lines. I assure you, Your Honor. I did not purposely destroy that house, nor cut the electricity off to the entire town. It was the birds fault.

WC: 535
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