The perils of internet dating, that is.
Its back to school and time to learn
the secret of success.
I'm studying hard to sweep the feet
of an angel in a dress.
Romance, they say, will win the heart,
but its easier said than done.
The dress was short on my last date,
I could nearly see her bum.
I told her of my angel,
suggested she lacked some class.
She said, "If you want an angel
there's one tattooed on my ass."
I thought a while of what to say
to turn this date around.
With one foul swoop she tripped me up
and pinned me to the ground.
Now I was semi-conscious,
but the rest I've not forgotten.
The next thing I saw was Gabriel
emblazoned on her bottom.
The scars are deep, I'll need some help
to save me from my fears.
I still have nightmares about her thighs
clamped around my ears.
So thank you Julie from Birmingham,
but you really should behave.
I wasn't the only one that day
who'd taken time to shave.
But if you treat me with respect,
hopefully I'll survive.
Let's face it, with what I've seen
I'm lucky to be alive.
The slate is clean, I bear no grudge,
so send me a word or two.
I'm still looking for an angel
and who knows, it could be you.
We'll share a thought, a wish, a dream,
or have a mutual hobby.
We'll get along just fine
if there's no angel on your body.
I'm good of heart and sound of mind,
I'm learned, strong and honest.
I won't let you down, I'll stick around
and deliver what I've promised.
My favourite's list is empty,
my email box is too.
I don't have any baggage,
I'm exclusively for you.
I know just what you're thinking,
"Am I ready to start again?"
Or do I long for Julie,
the memory of her pain?
Well let me sing it loudly,
grant me your permission.
"I want love and candlelight,
not two falls and a submission!"