When it happened on me, I just come to realize how powerless I am!
|I was brought up in unreal world, which was composed of the pleasant experiences that were created by grandparents and parents. I always take these offerings as common, and when I was little I thought that I was able to repay their love given to me. But now, I just realize that it is impossible and will be impossible even in the future. It is inappropriate to say it here, sharing it to the world that value love and good consciousness. Yet, I still write it here, to tell the irony and absurdity that happen to me and my impossbility to leave them. |
At first, I have say something about myself. An guy suffers to surive in the bottom of the society. My life is hard, and the income from work is just able to cover the expense. It is my fault in failing to earn enough money and even more money to the family, and I have never tried to achieve that. I think it is OK. If the income can cover the basic nessesities of the family, it will be fine for me. What's more, in the past ten years, my wife and I have already bought two apartments already. It is still fine.However, these things are not what I say here. My tragdy is from some other place, more accurately, my marriage.
Today I got a sad news from my parents. My grandma is hospital since she has disease in her belly. My dad told me to come back home, which is 300 km away, and see my grandma. The situation is not good, and my aunt and my father even think it is possible to see my grandma for the last time. At evening, I called my father, and learned that my grandma is stable now. It goes just as I think. My grandma will be OK, and she is just 82. At least, she can live one year or two years more. I wants to come home at Saturday and Sunday, but my wife disapproves my plan. Ok, I know why. In the past, I have never left my wife alone in the home we rent. I am reluctant to leave her alone at home, and she also can not travel with me since she has to go to work in company at Sunday. She says that I can go back during Chinese New Year, which is one month later.
My father insists that I should go back, and it probably will be the last days of my grandma. What's more, my two daughters are living with my parents, and younger daugher got disease in her intestine and the elder daughter will be off school. It will be hard for them to take care all of the family members. I have to go back to lend a hand. Why my daughters are living with my parents? Because we are poor, and we can not pay the education,and a larger apartment to house my daughter. What's more, my younger daughter is only one year old, and we also don't have money and time to take care of her in Beijing, this big city.
Yesterday, I said to my wife, she was like the moon, beautiful and clean in the sky, but does not send out heat. She only cares herself and also her own direct family. My family and me, she will not take the effort to think. In her eyes, my family and me are burdens. Even today when my grandma get disease, she still thinks my grandma added her troubles, and said that it was her fault to marry me. Even as her husband, I am also a tool in her eyes. A tool to make money. When I got some minor dieases, she will blame me, and asks me why I added trouble to her. I have five parts in my body that are easily went wrong. The gout, which will lame my feet, the head, which has fever twice a year, my throat,which easily to caugh in winter, and my tooth which easily get inflamation. She complains and blames me when I could not cook for her due to these disease. I can imgagine that when I become old and invalid, she will surely insult me everyday which will override my dignity. So, it is possible when she stops me today go back to home to visit my grandma.
I am very sad. My grandma loves me so much, but today I cannot see her. My wife says that if I can give her 150,000 CNY, then she will let me free. I don't have such a sum of money. Still, we have two daughters, and they also need father and mom. Even if my wife does not care about me and my family, she is the mother of my children. Who can do better than her in mothership. Therefore, I have to bear all of this.
Sorry, grandma. I love you, but I can't see you. I have not anticipated it when I was little. I did not know I have to change so much when I get married to a person who like this. I cannot do what can make you respectful and warmful. Please forgive me. In my situation, I have no choice. I know what one derserves, and I just simply can not have it.
Ok, I want to got home now. I can see that when I arrive at home, my wife will get anry at me, since I have not arrive at home early and cook for her.
This is my world, and this is my life. A life I will never leave.