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Rated: 18+ · Short Story · Erotica · #2193078
In a tiny space colony, two women destroy a criminal plot - along with everything else!
Elenore City looked lovely from above. The glamorous lights shone brightly. Colorful flying cars filled the streets. In the center, the strong, sturdy headquarters of the "World Welfare & Works Association" - the 3WA - stood as a symbol of peace. The modern high-rises, such as Damocles Tower, competed for greater heights...

Though none of those high-rises matched these giant women's fingernails.

For the past ten minutes, two of Elenore's former residents loomed at dizzying scales on either side of the city. The one in the north had a yellow bikini uniform, and blue hair longer than the city itself. They framed a pale, roundish face with full lips that smiled nervously. This was Yuri. The one in the south had a similar uniform, but in white with a red trim. She rubbed her fluffy red hair, adjusted her green headband, and itched her narrow, tan face. That was Kei.

Some, who didn't know these girls, thought they were aliens, come to consume them like snacks. Or perhaps, they were mad scientists, here to ravage their proud modern structures. But when official news reports confirmed their identities, it was worse than they could imagine. It triggered riots, prayer sessions, and fits of nausea.

These monsters were 3WA agents, the Dirty Pair. And they were here to *help*.

After waiting for the inevitable barrage of missiles to quiet down, Yuri finally addressed the miniature residents of Elenore City: "So, I suppose you're wondering why your city is so small?" Her peppy chirp bounced through the skies, echoing in their ears.

"It wasn't our fault! See, it's a funny story..." Kei's low, booming tone rumbled the hard roads.

The blue-haired colossus reached high above them to tap her on the shoulder, casting a shadow below. "Hey, can I tell this one? Just for a change."

"Knock yourself out. But watch out, Chief Gooley is in that city." The red-haired titan pointed to the center of town, her fingertip dangerously close to their head office. "This'll go on record!"

"Oh, we're being recorded? Good, that saves us some paperwork."

"Just be careful, Yuri!"

"You're the last person I want to hear that from, Kei!"

The Great Size Change of The Dirty Pair

(or, "Lights Out For Goliath! Does This City Make My Butt Look Big?")


Earlier that day...

Space Colony Goliath, a sprawling metropolis. The Trouble Consultants arrived at the spaceport on schedule, silhouetted by glowing neon advertisements as dusk became night. Dim pink, blue, and purple reflected on the still waters nearby.

While squeezing past customs, Kei's chest collapsed through the Ukbar embassy's upper floors. "Whoops, uh, my bad..." She furiously brushed the crushed concrete and glass from off her tan breasts. Rubble crumbled off her battle bikini, past her toned midriff, to the broken speed limit signs on the street.

Yuri, meanwhile, was on all fours, poking at 3cm tall people - who dodged her glove with terrified yelps. "Dr. Brawn? Is Dr. Brawn in that crowd? The 3WA is here to solve your problem! Oh, that's a cute car..." Her yellow-clad backside stuck out, swaying as she crawled. Its unsteady wobbles knocked down an immense gold statue of their founder.

From afar, Dr. Chuck Brawn shifted in his too-small lab coat. He rubbed his temples, and the mark on his forehead, under messy black hair. "Dozens of consultants out there, and I got stuck with the Dirty Pair..."

"That's 'Lovely Angels'!"

Kei's booming voice sent him off his feet, sputtering like an idiot. Her saucer-sized brown eyes glared at the scientist, her arms crossed. Each arm was 33m (or 100 feet) long to the scientist. "Madame Beryl's retired. Sandra Guts got booted out of the academy. Li Shu Ryu is on vacation. So you'll have to make do with us... The Lovely Angels!" She pounded her boot in the ground to emphasize the duo's name, digging a footprint in a major road. Streams of flying cars honked at the white heel, trying to navigate around it. "Not the Dirty Pair!"

Yuri rushed over, accidentally kicking aside the traffic jam. "Keeei, don't be a bully! That's what they fired Sandra for!" Her dark blue eyes peered to the man from above, large enough to engulf him. "Don't worry! She's just shy around buff, handsome men."

"Pfft," her partner blew at her rosy curls, "so what if he's sorta beefy? I could wrestle him with four limbs behind my back. Maybe more." Reaching a hand down, she squeezed her humongous fingers around their client's arm, nose twisting and brown eyes squinting.

Sweating at the immense strength, and the skin's softness, the doctor awkwardly brushed her manicured index and thumb off. "I'm not the one you need to fight." He held his other arm out, miniaturized streetlights illuminating his white sleeve. "Three infiltrators from the Lucifer Syndicate have stolen the components to my Prototype Mark III Resizing Device. They intend to weaponize and sell it."

With a wistful sigh, Yuri's delicate fingers brushed the top of a glimmering high-rise - accidentally tearing part off its roof off. "The same shrinking technology used to make Goliath Colony a self-sufficient, resource-light utopia..."

"...Figures some heel would find a way to ruin it." Kei leaned back against a billboard - and fell right into it, crashing headfirst into the grass. "Nggh... When do we shrink down, like the other visitors? I wanna see the night life up close. And at this size, we can't use our guns without blowing something up."

Before her nose, Dr. Brawn shook his head. "All the spaceport's resizing tech is on lockdown, to prevent further thefts. But the criminals likely have their own escape pods. Each of the trio have one part; Lucifer can use any of them to reverse-engineer the whole invention." He curled a fist up, eyes blazing. "For the sake of our Galaxy, return my creation to me!"

Tearing a few signposts with her ascent, the ruby-haired trouble consultant saluted. "Yeah, I'm ready for action, big or small!"

Her indigo-eyed associate chuckled, putting a hand on her partner's shoulder. "The 3WA is on the job! And afterwards, you could show off Goliath's abundant resources by treating Kei to a romantic dinner! -- Ow!" She grimaced as her partner stepped on her toe, further deepening the prints already in the concrete. "Honestly! I'm trying to help your dating drought."

"Job first, matchmaking later, Yuri!"

"Hah, someone's just dying to rampage like a kaiju today!"

"Aw, yeah? I bet you'll start cooing and squeeing over how cute these teensy houses are..."

"Fine, I hear you! We'll just split up for this mission!"

"So long, pal!"

"Good luck squeezing those giant tits through the streets!"

"Try not to trip your pretty legs on a mountain!"

The two dashed off in opposite directions, generating earthquakes with their stride - and with occasional insults lobbed across the colony. Chuck Brawn crossed his bulky arms, scowling. "The Dirty Pair... As catty as I remember them..."


Yuri climbed a tower made of crisscrossing metal. Her fingers and booted toes twisted the steel girders on her ascent, only briefly interrupted so she could wave to the helicopters passing by. With 3WA-marked binoculars, she scanned the bustling roads. "Now, if I worked for Lucifer, where would I be? The jailhouse?... An evil lair?... A rock concert?..."

Amid the traffic below, she heard a jolt to her left. One speck in dark clothes moved quickly - stumbling over a hovering car's chassis. She zoned in on him; a full-framed man in a navy suit and fedora. He pushed a large bag through the crowd, and fired warning shots from a plasma gun. "Out of the way, or I'll kill you! I'm serious!"

"Ah! Thank you, you've made this far easier." Yuri clapped her hands, the beams buckling under her weight. Bracing herself for impact, she somersaulted off her perch, and landed with a THUD behind the perpetrator. "3WA, you're under arrest!" Behind her, the leaning structure crumbled into itself, twisting like a pretzel.

As she landed, he jolted up, along with the rest of the road. "I can't deal with this, I seriously gotta get back to the Lucifer satellite!"

Yuri tapped her lip. "Wasn't that the one we crashed some months ago?"

"...Seriously? The Dirty Pair?!" With wide eyes, the thief took off, running away.

The woman in gold rushed after him. "How rude!" She held her elbows in close to her chest, brushing through the cramped residential district. She tiptoed over floating cars, bustling in huge packs. "Pardon me! I need to get through!" One zipped right by her back, blowing her elegant hair with a surprise gust. "Ahh, this bustle isn't very utopian..." Dancing in and out of jams, she slipped on a truck, sending it flying into a glass window. She yelped. With ballerina-like grace, the agile agent flipped, landing in a ballerina-like pose. A pile of metal crunched under her yellow heel.

She'd stepped on a car. Lifting her sole up, she - and the entire district - saw the shattered remains of its propulsion and lights tumbling down. Yuri groaned, face in her palm. "Aww, and the Nuumobile Vulkan's such a nice model... in lime green, too!"

Screaming crowds left their vehicles, running to surrounding apartments and parks for safety. Briefly brushing her hair back in place, the Trouble Consultant bowed to them. "That's so sweet of you! Now I needn't worry about casualties! Thank you!" She plowed through the abandoned vehicles, heedless of what she crushed. Each careless stomp flattened swarms of cars were faster than industrial trash compactors. With a swift kick, she sent some of them crashing, forming a roadblock for the escapee.

The infiltrator broke into a sweat, watching the vehicles form a wall before him. "I'm in some serious trouble..." He turned and ran beneath a set of overpasses, crossing atop one another.

Yuri turned a little too fast. Her yellow-clad chest slammed into the platform, jostling cars off it. With quick reflexes, she caught them mid-fall, juggling the vehicles back onto the road. "Wait!" She crawled underneath the structure, pushing more traffic aside; but another, lower overpass blocked her path. Taking a breath, she stood up and straddled it. The citizens crossing the road were given a close-up view of her looming groin and firm backside, driving between slender legs that stretched down seemingly forever. She held her breath as they brushed past her underwear: "So lewd..." The towering trouble consultant lifted one of those shapely, pale pillars up, stretching the worn boot sole over them. She was paying so much attention to not scraping the roads.... that she didn't notice she was stepping into power lines. They tangled around her, sending her crashing to the ground - backside obliterating a large chunk of road. Her tugs made streetlights flicker. From every side, more claustrophobic overpasses and bridges blocked her path. She let out a sighed. "The 50-foot woman made stepping over roads look so easy... It's way harder at 100 meters!"

Crawling out, shaking the ramp above as she bumped her head, Yuri spotted the thief. She lunched out for him, but it was too late; the suited man ran into a passage underground. It was too small for the giant gloved hand to fit through. A metro station!

He taunted: "Guess you weren't taking this seriously enough!" With a tip of his fedora, he swung in a departing train, pulling the bagged device through the automatic doors.

The Lovely Angel had lost him, and had no idea where he was fleeing. She swept herself of dirt and dust from the ground, unable to remove all the debris tainting her smooth skin. "I hope Kei's having an easier time with this mission..."


Silhouetted against blue lights, Kei's face filled the department store's windows - thin nose and frowning lips blotting out the view of the commercial district. The glass creaked as she pushed her cheek to it, scanning the aisles of gaudy dresses and loud suits. A man ran from a changing room screaming, still in his underwear. Like a girl tapping on an aquarium, she rattled the translucent surface. "Hey! Anyone spot a Lucifer agent? They'd be carrying a big metal thingy. Maybe in a bag." With minimal force, her glove pierced the glass, knocking over shelves of food and magazines. On lower levels, the walls could no longer withhold pressure from her teardrop-shaped breasts, and collapsed into chunks. She drew back in surprise, taking only half a step before her back pressed against a rival store. A flurry of screaming citizens exited the shop by her feet.

People on the street rushed into taller, firmer buildings for safety. Kei leaned against a subway station, brushing her sole on its window. "The way they act, you'd think I was a monster. Weird." When she sunk her shoulders into the wall, growling, she felt the structure tilting gently - and rose back up. "Look, the sooner someone points me to that thief, the sooner I stop breaking things."

She scanned the crowds for a response. Soon, one came from within the abandoned store: "Hah. A statement indicative of our galactic law enforcement system's brutality."

Kei spun, her backside gliding through a building's wall, to face the speaker. A thin, navy-suited man stood calmly in a window, holding a gigantic bag in his hands. A jetpack adorned his back. She grinned, and pointed hey finger out. "Found you! Be good and put your hands up!" Her hand reached through the glass.

The Lucifer agent slid underneath her gigantic hand, barely brushing her wrist - she only scooped a glove-ful of sports gear. "Be good? How could I? You couldn't possibly understand how I felt - abandoned in the forests of Nolandia -"

She swept her arm through the wall, interrupting him. "Okay, if it's gonna be like that, I'm game!" The barrier of flesh traversed the store after him, knocking over all sorts of merchandise and electronics.

The criminal flew through the ceiling, emerging on a higher floor. "Without finances to contact the 3WA, I was truly..."

SLAM. Kei threw a punch into the building. The upper level's lights exploded, coating her tan skin in a glorious display of red and blue shining. "Save your tragic backstory for later!" A whole storey collapsed when she pulled it out, a splatter of steel and plastic flying by her torso.

He appeared on a lower level now, breaking through the checked floor tiles into a pile of electronics. "You create your own enemies, like how Sandra turned to a life of crime. I fight to warn you - Trouble Consultants don't serve the common good, but - "

PUNT. The woman kicked the foundation, sending quakes through the structure that felled product-filled walls. Whole streams of beauty products rained on her face, painting it in multiple colours. "Congratulations. I'm honestly starting to hate you."

The Lucifer agent flew out of the building, past the angel's bare midriff. She turned around, slapping for him - but he weaved expertly between her fingers. He landed inside a power plant, higher than Kei could reach. "Who's to say those hiring you have honest intentions? You might as well be bounty hunters -"

She twisted around, fists clenching akimbo. "Shut up already!" The redhead wrapped both of her mighty arms around the steel structure, and tugged back. The whole dark tower lifted into her arms, pipes and wires crumbling from the bottom. Robotics and researchers slid to the southern wall, the floor slanting underneath their feet.

Kei shook it, eyeing the criminal. "Come outta there!" The building's contents slipped in every direction, grabbing anything nailed to the floor for support. From inside the plant, loose wires fell in her cleavage - and a man inside tugged the power switch, trying not to fall. A harsh shock surged through her body, making her drop the building in shock.

"Ow! OW!" She stumbled back, hitting another department store.

It leaned over a little, creaking under pressure. Her face snapped into panic mode. "Woah! Don't fall! Time out, pause button!" The size ray was important, but so were the shoppers. She pushed it upright - but it quickly rolled over again. Some of the clients jumped out from above, landing into her soft bosom.

A sweep of the woman's feet knocked a few cars and billboards at the base, giving enough support to stop the store from falling... though the skyline now had one building leaning on an angle, a new Leaning Tower. She wiped the sweat from her headband, her muscles relaxing. "Look, guys, if Yuri shops here later, please tell her it was always titled like that." She turned back, looking for the Lucifer agent.

He was flying into the distance, through the star-painted sky, still prattling: "Thinking about shopping now? You're servants of capitalism, that unseen harbinger of gross excesses -"

The Lovely Angel groaned, picking the ruins and still-uninjured shoppers off her uniform. She fiddled with her fluffy hair. "I hope Yuri's target isn't this much of a jerk..."

In the duo's ship, their pet, Mughi, struggled with yarn; whilst their robot, Nanmo, quietly defragmented his whopping 128kB hard drive.

From one corner of the city, Yuri ran with her fists pumping, weaving through the cars and buildings into the residential area - occasionally slipping on vehicles, or crushing them underfoot. "Whoops! Excuse the mess! Please, move forward, red car... No, back, maroon..." That Lucifer agent was still escaping on the subway - she could intercept him, if she stopped tripping...

From the opposite corner, Kei squeezed through the suburbs into the tighter buildings, fitting her bulky frame sideways through the structures - their bricks crumbling against her generous curves. "Why? Why would anyone build streets this narrow?" She clawed her way through once-solid walls, keeping her eyes on the fleeing thief.

She paused, seeing her blue-haired companion on the horizon - falling on her ass at a bump in the road.

And lying there, Yuri stopped, seeing her red-haired associate in the distance - struggling to break out of an alley.

Debris and dirt from their chase caked both of their bodies.

They simultaneously held back laughter at each other. There was a sense of absurdity - how out-of-place the other looked stumbling through the drifting, modern city lights.

Their chuckles broke off. The thin bandit's jetpack soar through the night sky - accompanied by his rambling. "The economic bubble burst in the 2120s! You can't keep drinking champagne and singing about summer love, as if -"

Kei called: "Yuri, above you! He's getting away with the size ray piece!"

Yuri nodded, her soft blue eyes darting to the target - then through the buildings, competing with each other to stretch taller. She quickly flashed her partner a thumbs-up. Crouching down to build power in her legs, she leaped in a somersault. Dust and pedestrians lifted from the earth with the sudden motion. The gigantic boots kicked off a medium-sized building, gaining extra altitude. She traversed a path of taller buildings with spry wall-jumps, her glorious frame lifting higher and higher still. Finally, she cast a shadow over the district, reaching about the same height as the fleeing Lucifer agent.

He continued: "You indulge yourself in nostalgia for more prosperous days, as if City Pop was still -"

The angel in the sky removed her glove, and trapped him inside - like a butterfly in a net. She landed on both her feet, with only a little stumble - but quickly balanced herself into a triumphant pose. Yuri made sure he was snug in the clothing article, and put it back on, flashing a "V" symbol for victory. "There! A wonderful flying interception!" She peered at it, stretching her fingers. "Though I'd like to hear more of what he had to say, he sounded intelligent."

Looming in closer, Kei examined the prints her partner's narrow heels left in the walls and streets. "Goliath Colony's sure to remember it for a while."

The girl in yellow looked to the ground, hiding her face. "That's one out of three..."

"Didn't find any other baddies?"

"Saw one ten minutes ago, but he's escaping by subway." She tapped the road. "Who knows where he is now?"

Kei scanned the buildings, taking a few steps around the open roads. "You came from there, and I leaned on a station back in the city... How fast was the train leaving?"

The woman blinked, finger on her chin. "Picture one of The Elegants throwing a hook in a wrestling match."

"Now you're speaking my language!" Her partner in white leaned over, touching the ground with three fingers. She scanned the distances among shapes distorted by reflective glass. To Yuri's surprise, she removed her left shoe, and placed her bare foot on the ground. Her eyes shut, toes stretching across the street - startling some civilians. "If I concentrate on the vibrations underneath us..."

And indeed, there was a tiny rattling underneath them, like a mole burrowing through underground tunnels. It came closer and closer...


With expert timing, Kei lifted her leg - and slammed it into the ground. A volcanic eruption of concrete, dirt, steel, and smoke rose from her heel's devastating blow. Her massive footprint dug through several layers of ground, down to the subway system. The cars' emergency brake system kicked in, stopping it right as it touched the fleshy, tanned monolith. After lifting her foot from the ground, dusting ruined tracks off her sole, she picked the train up - and shook it until a man with a suit and briefcase fell out, into her glove.

"Argh! You can't be serious!" The man shouted, rushing to his stolen size ray piece.

Kei quickly grabbed him by the shirt collar, dangling him in front of Yuri's face with a knowing grin. "This look like your guy?"

Yuri applauded. "Nice catch!" She gazed to the new crater in the road, eyes wider than usual. "And I don't think the other Lucifer agent will be escaping by subway... Nobody will, for a long time."

The thief kicked and pulled, trying to get loose. "This is ridiculous! I'm not a doll! I'm a serious guy, you should treat me seriously!"

His captor smiled. "There, that's the kinda bad guy banter I was looking for!" She tucked him and the device in separate back pockets, patting them snugly in place. "I shoulda been chasing this one from the start."

The angel in yellow smiled, holding her glove out. "If we see these thieves again, I'll trade you."

"So, that leaves us with one more..."

As soon as Kei spoke, the sound of fuel ignition rattled their earrings. Not far from where they'd started, a small purple rocket was lifting from a public park. Crowds stood dazed at the flying vehicle, rushing from the smoke that erupted out of it.

"The escape pod! They're not going anywhere!" Yuri broke into a sprint, running to the left for the launching spaceship. She passed through a winding maze of houses, bounding between them.

"Hey, this way's faster!" Kei scrambled right, for a lake that curved around the city. The water didn't pass her knees; she waded through it, sending waves crashing on the warm beach.

The former met a web of power lines, criss-crossing between the homes. "Not this again..." She leaned back and forth, limboing through them - giving the city a view of her rear as it wobbled and twisted.

Still more of the cables hung above the water, emitting sparks as Kei's splashes hit them. "That's dangerous!" She dove beneath them, and surfaced on the other end - waterfalls splashing off her curves.

The craft ascended, fire from its boosters lighting up the cloudy night sky...

And then - *pomf*.

Kei and Yuri reached the escape pod at the same time, from opposing sides. They met chest-first, their breasts slamming into each other. The thick, meaty orbs also smothered the lifting rocket from either side. While embarrassed at first, they both pushed harder. Layers of thick space-age steel cracked against the strength in the Lovely Angels' soft skin. The rocket forced up, sputtering, trying to escape... But ran out of energy, falling limp in their cleavages.

With teeth clenched, the redhead finally spoke up: "3WA! Don't move!"

"You're surrounded!" The blue-haired agent added, blushing.

The escape pod's roof opened on its side - and out stumbled a woman. She wore sunglasses, a familiar navy fedora and suit combination. She huffed, clutching her huge bag. "The Lovely Angels... Hah... I knew the 3WA would come... But I didn't know I'd meet Yuri and Kei in person!" She collapsed from the wreck in happiness. "My life as a criminal is complete..."

The two trouble consultants broke into a sweat immediately. They were unable to speak - and for a while, perhaps longer than necessary, just stood staring.


While tapping his hands on the lab's steel wall, Dr. Chuck Brawn felt the ground tremble. He smiled to himself, and put his coat back on.

The Lovely Angels towered over his lab, holding the machine's three components in their hands. By their feet, the three thieves were bound in ropes, tied back to back - being carried away by jailers.

They screamed over each other, entering the cruiser one by one:

"You've made a serious mistake! Let me go, seriously!"

"Prosperity has rendered you slothful and drunk! Space Colony Goliath is a rotten, worm-filled apple, waiting for the early bird to -"

"Haaah, you did it! Good luck with the next mission, Kei and Yuri!"

And then, no more were left. The scientist applauded with wide arm movements. "Bravo! Congratulations to both of you, Lovely Angels. You'll be rewarded handsomely for this." He looked up at the steel devices they had in their hands, canopies high above his head. "Are the resizer pieces safe?"

Kei peered down. "Yeah, sure. But you know... there were some things about those criminals that don't click."

Dr. Brawn cocked his head. "Lucifer still has tricks up their sleeves, you're saying?"

Yuri smiled. "More like not enough tricks. The agent I was chasing said he was fleeing to a satellite base. A satellite base that hasn't existed for months in Earth time. Shouldn't a Lucifer member know that?"

Kei lifted a finger. "And my guy said he wanted to warn us about something, and that our employer wasn't that great. Among other stuff." She picked her ear.

Yuri leaned back. "That last one was expecting the 3WA. And she was a bit too happy about us catching her."

Kei shrugged. "Really, none of them were subtle, or sneaky at all. It's as if they wanted us to notice them."

"Like they wanted us to stop them."

Dr. Chuck Brawn laughed. "I'm an engineer, not a criminologist. Who knows what goes on in the minds of lowlifes?"

"Oh?" The red-headed giant leaned in. "Then how did you know so much about them when you were briefing us? Their gang membership, how many there were, their escape pods..."

Her partner peered closer, too, her shadow filling the evacuated street. "When did you see that for yourself? If they knew you were watching, wouldn't they have kidnapped you? Unless those weren't Lucifer's henchmen..."

"...But yours!" Kei finished.

Yuri nudged her. "Please don't steal my lines."

Chuck Brawn's mouth remained shut. He dug his buff hands deep into his pockets. "...Very good, you two. You've gotten smarter since last time."

"What?" Kei groaned.

"Look out!" Yuri yelped.

But before either could react, he took out a canister spewing smoke, and gas mask. The Angels coughed, tears forming in their eyes. They held their hands to their mouths, falling to their knees. And within seconds, the once-immobile doctor leaped in the air, grabbing the size device's components one by one.

He gloated as they choked on his smokescreen. "Yes. This is just a disguise. If I stole the Resizer's pieces myself, Goliath would go on lockdown. Then, that scientist would call the 3WA, before I could get the three parts together. Even if I escaped, I'd have a whole star system chasing me. So, I organized a false flag operation, hired some help to pose as Lucifer members, and impersonated Dr. Brawn." He jammed the components together - the Vizorium energy tank, the laser, and the beeping computer terminal. "This way, if the Trouble Consultants caught wind, they'd deliver the pieces right to me. And with their precious prototype in my trustworthy hands, nobody would investigate departing ships... Not until I was on the other side of the galaxy, enjoying my spoils."

Yuri choked. "Right into... *cough*... a trap..."

Kei clenched her fist. "Why... *cough*... Why are all the hot ones... *hack*... criminal masterminds...?"

By the time the air cleared, it was too late. The fake scientist had assembled his device, and fired it at himself. "Just think - if you hadn't forced my hand, I'd have left Goliath in peace. I'd have let you live!"

Blue light covered his body, surging through its muscles. The skin on his face bulged outwards - before falling off. It was a mask; behind that mask lay the face of a woman. The lab coat's buttons popped, then its seams, then the dress pants and shoes ripped to shreds. She grinned, with grit teeth expanding across her wide jaw, and her black eyebrows tensed. They framed a red spot on her forehead.

"Oh, my..." Yuri stumbled back, as the growing woman equaled her height.

"Oh, geez..." Kei shuddered, feeling the increased body heat wash over her.

"Oh, my..." Yuri nearly fainted as the shadow grew, and grew, towering over them both.

"Oh, geez..." Kei cringed at the sight of buildings collapsing under the bare, expanding soles.

Amid shaking streets, they looked to each other and shouted in sync: "Oh, no!"

Looming over them was the villain that had posed as Dr. Brawn...

Sandra Guts, the former Trouble Consultant.


She held her arms out, admiring their bulky mass in the dim light. "Ahh, finally! I'm out of that tiny, constricting body!" Every flex of her naked muscles sent sonic booms through the colony, every breath from her panting lungs moved the clouds. At over 2km tall, neither of the other giantesses made it to her firm ankles. And that was even after her soles sunk partly in the ground, which was like mud under her 90,000,000kg body weight. The colony's citizens were just over a millimeter in comparison. Her hand reached down to the alley where Kei sat. She tried moving, but remained stuck between buildings, which squeezed in either side of her...

"Careful!" Yuri barely pulled her away from the incoming fingers. Sandra's massive hand clenched around three skyscrapers, each equaling the Trouble Consultants' height. They collapsed against her palm with ease. The remnants of offices exploded from the roofs in an arc, as if she were squeezing toothpaste out of its container.

When the muscular woman opened her hand, thin rubble collapsed from it, completely obliterated. the woman laughed - it was brief, but each low chuckle rumbled from her torso, sending earthquakes large enough to break weaker structures apart. "This power... Hustle steroids are nothing compared to this strength!"

Yuri gulped, shivering. "She's... she's right, you know."

"Everyone's got some Achilles' Heel!" With a brief stumble, Kei unsheathed her laser bazooka, and fired upwards. Her partner joined her quickly, firing rapidly with her pistol. Beams of light fizzled into Sandra's sweat-coated thigh, and crossed her torso and arms... Disappearing without a trace.

Yuri ran out of energy, but kept pulling the trigger. "Looks like lasers aren't her secret weakness!"

Kei tossed the weapon on her backpack again. "Any better ideas? You're the smart one here!"

"Ah? I thought I was the airhead!" Yuri pocketed her firearm.

"Don't look at me, I'm just a meathead!"

Their opponent sneered down, wiping the thin burn marks off her limb. "Was that your best attempt? To think, I've wallowed so long in your shadows..." She lifted her foot in the air, exposing its bare sole to the night air. "...Now you're trapped in mine!"

Either of them dove to the side as Sandra stomped the ground, obliterating a city block beneath. Cracks emerged out of the impact, and swallowed civilians inside. The ground sunk like mud beneath her weight, dragging other microbes closer to her sole. She stomped again and again, watching the duo dash for safety. Every one of her steps made the two girls bounce from the ground - and the much lighter civilians were practically flying. Panic filled the streets, thousands screaming and fleeing at the sight of the towering woman. Every safe haven or escape route lay embedded in a deep footprint, or squeezed into the debris coating the underside of her foot.

To be sure, it was a rush seeing so many people at her mercy. But for the titanic thief, there were two specific targets that she wanted. Those idiots that showed her up so many times, who progressed to official status despite their incompetence, leaving her in the dust. "I thought about selling this device, but now..." She slammed her fist into the ground, watching waves of dirt erupt from it - and imagining their screaming faces. "...I'm getting used to this new body."

Yuri hid behind a tall office building, her back trembling against it. "Such a bully... Some things just don't change." She pushed buttons on her earring, calling their ship for support. "We'll escape, and come back with something stronger!"

Spotting the blue-haired woman, Sandra performed a sweeping kick towards the girl - wiping waves of skyscraper into her sole. She screamed in surprise. The impact sent her hurdling through still more buildings, breaking them apart with her body mass. She crashed against a mountain, stopping her travel - teeth clenched, eyes pointed to the skid marks her backside had left. Before she could move, a massive toe fell on her, squeezing all the wind from her lungs. "Hah! Caught you, kid."

Yuri thrashed against the pressure, her fists flying into the hard flesh. It only made the villain press harder, grinding her into the ground. The toe started lifting slightly, relaxing. "Argh! You... so crude..." When the weight lifted enough, she tried to crawl away. But not a second later, the toe slammed down again, pounding her face in the mud, and dragging her closer in to the sole. This pattern repeated itself twice, as Sandra toyed with her old classmate.

Between ear-splitting slams, Yuri glimpsed a smug grin above. "Maybe I'll tear apart the rest of the 3WA after you. But why rush? I'm enjoying this warmup..." The skies became dark with the print of her skin...

And it stayed in midair. No rib-crushing force.

Kei was beside Yuri. She'd placed her bazooka upright beside her. It supported Sandra's toe, preventing it from falling to the ground. In a heartbeat, Kei pulled Yuri out by the legs; right before the weapon snapped like a twig. They escaped once again from the muscular titan, running between her legs.

"My hero!" The woman in yellow giggled, regaining her breath as her friend carried her.

Scrambling left and right, the woman in white grinned. "Let's wait until we've knocked Sandra down for that." Depositing Yuri, she ran to the side - a subtle shift from the living mountain making her nearly lose her footing. While she was turning, they had a few seconds to plan something.

In her escape, Kei reached a tall transmission tower. Electrical wires cascaded in response to the harsh footsteps around it. The tip was steely and sharp, like a lance. Pointing it out to Yuri, she the directed her finger up to the lumbering woman pursuing them. "I can use that to pierce her." She heaved it roughly from its supports, holding the foundation in her hands. "Just need to get high enough..."

"Ah, no problem!" Yuri pointed to the spaceship approaching from the distance. In the dim lights of Goliath, it glowed bright pink, with large discs holding its thrusters. The Lovely Angel - their cruiser, piloted by Nanmo and Mughi. Lifting her partner up by her boots, she tossed her towards it.

Kei grabbed the bottom, and stuck on tight. Sandra, marching onwards, was tall enough that it seemed like a bird flying overhead; she kept her eyes on it, guarding her body. When it hovered over her dark hair, Kei let go - aiming the tower's tip at the back of her neck.

It hit directly!

...And bent limply against the woman's skin.

"Drargh!" The Trouble Consultant clutched to the wide neck, shaking from the steady pulse below. "Is anything gonna work against you?"

The titaness' laughter boomed across the colony now. "Oh, what a surprise... You're useless!" She held a hand to her hip, surveying the torn landscape around - and the pesky duo that kept escaping her. "Why did I ever want to part with this ray? I could use it for anything! I could rearrange the stars!" Her voice became a triumphant roar. As she lifted her hands into the air, the electrical wires dangled from the tower, accentuating her overpowering abs.

Between harsh breaths, Yuri cringed. "Those cables that tripped me up so bad... Oh!" A spark came in her eyes. Leaping off a tower, she grabbed a wire dangling off the towering woman, and ran in a clockwise curve around her.

"...What?" Sandra blurted out.

Kei looked down, puzzled for a moment. But then, she clapped her hands in realization. "Ahah! Yuri, I KNEW you were the smart one!" She held the tower, letting another clump of cables hang loosely, and ran in counter-clockwise circles around the sweat-drenched, sky-high neck.

The behemoth waited for a moment, watching them run in circles. She lifted her arm to slap Kei off her flesh. "What are you trying? It won't work - HURK!" Mid-swing, Sandra's arm caught in the air. The electrical cable held it back.

She tried to stomp Yuri out below - but the girl was circling her, tying more wires around her legs. The tensile strength kept her from lifting a foot. Yuri flashed a wink up. "Hee-hee! Just consider it payback for all the trouble WE'VE had with these cables today!" With swift bounds, she began scaling the mighty thighs, ensuring they were tightly bound.

Following her cue, Kei rushed down along Sandra's enormous chest, using the lines to constrain her bulky arms. "And the Lovely Angels come through with a stunning top-rope finisher!"

Yuri traversed the gigantic backside's curves, stringing the makeshift ropes tighter. "With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound, they pull the spitting high tension wires down!" The two met near her navel, still circling her - as if they were putting steamers on a Christmas tree.

Sandra flexed, shifted, and struggled. None of their opponents moves or growls did anything but rock the terrain. "Pests! You're nothing but - URGH - you wimps will never appreciate true - ARGH!" The constricting force around every joint and sinew made her cringe. Somehow, she had to knock her old collages off. She held her breath, and lunged forward with all her strength. Unable to coordinate her legs, she crashed down. Kei and Yuri held hard on their wires, bracing their legs against her abs. In the city below, the sound of her fall made a harsh whine. It grew louder, as the skies filled with her leathery, wet flesh...


Her impact echoed across the entire colony of Goliath, sending clouds of dust floating across it. She was flat on the ground, unable to move her arms.

In sync, Kei and Yuri grabbed each other's hand and cheered: "Knockout!"

For just a moment, everything was still. They stood on the solid skin below, triumphantly looking down at their former bully. Yuri took in a deep breath, leaning on her friend's shoulder. "Aaah, finally over... All that's left is to find the ray and shrink her back."

"And to think, you were trying to pair me up with that monster!" Kei readjusted her headband. "Last time I'm taking dating advice from you."

"Come on, I thought you liked muscles!" Yuri nudged her, tapping the squishy surface below. "Guess that means I get dibs on the next handsome man?"

Kei shook her head with an exhausted breath, and a tired grin. "Airhead."

Yuri smiled back. "Meathead." But soon, the ground shook beneath her feet - tilting back and forth.

Sandra shouted: "Don't celebrate yet! You're nothing but stepping stones for me..." She rolled her shoulders back, and lifted her bound legs up together. Her entire body sloped, making a steep incline. Instantly, the two girls rolled down the cliff of skin, down to her face.

"Eep!" With a shriek, Yuri scrambled, grabbing her partner. Her boots thrashed in the air.

"Watch it!" Kei's trembling fists gripped the wires for support, trying to deal with the sudden shift in gravity - and her friend groping her for support. But the electrical lines soon loosened, sending them both plummeting downwards.

Sandra laughed. "Just stepping stones... just nutrients!" She opened her mouth wide, revealing a slick, saliva-coated tongue. It caught them instantly, closing on both girls in one gulp. They landed in a room of slime and wetness, barely able to see anything.

The tongue thrashed around Kei's body, pounding her again and again into the hard teeth. "Urgh - my leg! Ow!"

Yuri dashed away from the throat, grasping Sandra's uvula for support. "Ah! My skin! My skin's going to be such a mess!"

Everywhere, the swampy realm expanded and contacted, trapping them in. It'd only take a quick swallow for them to slip down into the depths of this woman - the same one they trained with, who pushed them around class after class. They'd be digested as fuel for further rampages.

Keri shouted: "Yuri! Over here!" As her face slammed into a molar, her fingers loosened around the wires briefly - before she caught them in her other hand. It weaved between her gloved fingertips.

"I can't see!" Yuri fired her laser pistol into the air - though the ray evaporated quickly in the pink sky, it lit up their realm briefly. She squeaked at the sight of the wet, pulsing mass around her... But something else caught her eye. "You still have the wires, Kei?"

"And you still have your gun?" Kei jumped away from a bite, trying her best to hold the rocking tongue firmly. "Ooh, I see what you're thinking..." Her voice hit that happy midpoint between "inspired" and "are you kidding me?"

"If I miss, then we'll both get burned..." Yuri gulped, bracing herself on a squishy wall.

Kei pounded her sole in Sandra's tongue. "That's fine! We've both played with fire!"

Yuri held her laser pistol up, taking aim. "If I die, bury my disco cassettes on Lucia."

Kei held the wires out, still as possible. "If I die, get everyone drunk at my funeral."

Yuri pulled the trigger.


A beam of searing blue light seared the stagnant, moist air.

It hit the electrical wires directly, sparking in Kei's gloved, insulated hand.

The light shot down its cable directly, charging it. It raced outside of the mouth, filling its path with blue fizzles. She'd powered the cables with plasma energy.

Outside, Sandra's gloating and struggling halted suddenly. Across her whole body, electricity from the bindings traversed her, sending shocks through her. "Argh - that's dirt..." Her teeth chattered, as the sparks flew across her flesh. "...DIRTY!"

A *ZAP* lit up the night sky. All lights on Goliath flashed off. The titan's head jerked up... then slumped down, lips softly parted, pupils shrunken to specks within flying saucer eyes.

And gently, in her unconscious state, her jaw budged.

It bulged, shifting slightly.

Finally, it opened.

Kei stumbled out of the mouth first, hunched over. She pushed aside the tongue and panted, letting herself flop into a skyscraper.

Yuri followed right after, frantically wiping herself of the sticky saliva. She stretched out, and turned to the face behind them: massive, stunned, and utterly motionless. Then she turned back to Goliath.

Cold winds traversed the rubble that was once buildings. The port they'd landed on was completely decimated. Few spots were left untouched by a print of a woman's foot, backside, or entire body. Sweat from the battle flooded the streets. Thousands rushed in panic from their safe zones, moving to any remaining escape routes, or screaming at the ruins of their homes and workspaces. Goliath, beneath the stars, was a shadow of its former self, without a single one of its neon lights still burning.

Her partner patted her on the back. There was only one thing to say: "We did it, Yuri!"

"We saved the city, Kei!" She caressed her partner in happiness, popping her heel.

The skyscraper next to Kei crumbled instantly.


Shrunken down far past her original height, Sandra struggled in the jailers' cuffs.

"Forget my funeral," Kei rubbed her dirt-stained temples, "just get me that drink now."

Yuri rubbed her neck, still finding strands of saliva sticking to her long hair. "All I need is a long shower."

They stood tall among the remaining buildings, filling the last property damage reports, and signing off with the real scientists on payment for their services. Said researchers handled the prototype resizing device, making sure it wasn't harmed in the fight.

With a low growl, Sandra shook her head. "I might've fallen... But I'm shrinking you down with me!" She broke away from her handlers, and kicked the size ray's terminal. Sparks and smoke burst from it, as the lights glowed around it. The authorities grabbed her, injecting her with a tranquilizer. Others pulled the scientists to safety. But the device shot out one last beam, before exploding. It traveled above the buildings, aimed directly at Kei...

"Look out!" Yuri noticed the beam, and pushed her away - her own body now in the beam's path.

"Hey, you look out!" Kei tugged her down. The ray scraped her blue hair. They turned, and watched the shot travel into the distant sky.

Into the stars.

Right into one particular planet.

Into one particular spot on that planet...

Elenore City.


"So, that's how you shrunk down. Thankfully, we picked you guys up before anyone else could. And you'll be staying aboard our spaceship for safety. The end!" Yuri finished, her smile over Elenore City - which spread over their lounge's table.

Kei added: "At least, until those scientists can rebuild their size changing technology."

"So, how was that? Wasn't I am expert wordsmith?"

Kei shrugged. "Close enough. You got the important facts down. But you could add some extra details. Like, 'Kei used her awesome Lariat technique, then stunned the whole city with a spectacular, cool dropkick...'" She grinned like a maniac.

"Honestly, you're so bad." Yuri fluttered her eyes over the city. "So you see, it's absolutely not our fault at all. You should thank us! Nothing big, of course. I don't wish to force anything, but... Anyone who wants to repay me can come here. If you're good with massages, line up here - good at preparing food, over here - if you just generally want to worship me, over here. When you're back to normal, a Nuumobile Vulkan would be nice." She smiled, observing the bright buildings, and bowed demurely. "Hey, Kei, anything you want? This is your ship just as much as mine, after all."

Kei ran her hand through her hair. "Uhm, I'm a bit busy today - can you babysit these guys?"

Her partner ran a hand over the gleaming city lights. "What could be more important than this? We'll only have them for a day or two, before the real Dr. Brawn rebuilds his Resizer..."

"See, it might take him longer. The two of us talked while they arrested Sandra, and..." Kei stretched an arm behind her back. "...I scored a date with him!"

Yuri smiled. "My! I almost thought you didn't appreciate my help."

"Come on, that didn't count! I caught him myself!"

"With my psychological support!"

"Don't argue, I'm gonna be late! Now, where are my dress pants?..."

"Oh, no, no! You'll want a short skirt!"

"But he's gonna see everything from down there!"

"My point exactly!"

"Geez, Yuri..."

"Come on, Kei..."

Their fumbling rocked the beautiful Elenore City to the core. Mughi rolled up into a ball, napping by the table; Nanmo went into sleep mode after. Somewhere, within the 3WA Headquarters, Chief Gooley looked over their damage report, and reached for his aspirin.


Author's notes

The Dirty Pair need no introduction.

That's not a comment on their popularity, influence, or on how they're subjects of the first recorded English-language anime fanfic (1991 - see http://www.eyrie.net/ETC/DP/ ). It's just that their characters and world are so direct, that anyone can understand them within seconds. "This space cop is a tomboy, this space cop's feminine, and everything explodes." There, that's easy. No intros needed. No continuity, no backstories, no ongoing plot, no recommended viewing order. You can jump into literally any episode, movie, or comic, and know what's going on. I love that.

I tried to get that across here; the sort of fanfic people could read without knowing about the source material.

Original characters (for given value of "character"):
-Dr. Chuck Brawn is a 3-way joke: the masked wrestler Charlie Brown from Outta Town (itself a Peanuts reference); rocket scientist Dr. Wernher von Braun (inspiration for a thousand morally ambiguous German scientists in fiction); and Brawn = Guts, to hint at the real identity.
-Yuri's serious target inspired by a Helman soldier who Rance tries to question in Rance III: The Fall of Leazas. I wanted to give him the most one-note personality possible.
-Kei's long-winded target inspired by sci-fi blogs that over-analyze the Dirty Pair. I was originally going to make this story more deconstructive, so you could consider him my self-insert. (The only thing being deconstructed now is buildings.)
-The thief who almost got away inspired by girls who prefer being small in GTS forums. Almost cut this one out, but I needed an audience surrogate.

The Dirty Pair, Mughi, and the Lucifer Syndicate created by Haruka Takachiho. Chief Gooley, Nanmo, and Sandra Guts created for the anime adaptations by Sunrise. One of them created Elenore/Eleanor City, not sure which. This fic is brought to you in part by constant repeats of the Project Eden soundtrack.
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