A letter to a friend of 8 years about Trust and Life.
So here it is.
I know you don’t do such screenshot things and I trust you cause I obviously think your mature enough and you wouldn’t do such a thing that would hurt me, humanity, you know. But I still asked you what was in my mind.
I’m at that point of life, where I can literally end up living myself, either I’ll do that or I’ll just harm myself in order for peace, for peace in my mind, my soul, my heart.....
It’s been days I haven’t been sleeping, it’s been days I have fever, it’s been days my head is feeling heavy and my eyes watering, it’s been days I haven’t been eating right, it’s been days that I have a headache, it’s been days I haven’t been getting dressed to work, it’s been days I haven’t been myself.
Showers are not the same anymore. Tears flow down each time I go for a shower, each time I lay my head on my pillow, each time I’m left alone, each time I try to read something, each time I go through my gallery. Memories! Memories haunt me.
It’s hard seeing someone you love change, it hurts knowing that you planned and dreamt so much with one particular person and everything is over now. It hurts each time I see the things I’d spoken off with the other person.
I asked you that question because he came over with “Pizza fries” yesterday and told me how I wanted to eat them and that I told you and even the Sinbad part, also where you stay and stuff. The reason I asked you this but I knew you wouldn’t do that unless you’re forced too.
I know you would say “again iska rona (Again your drama)” but only I know what I’m actually going through.
I swear this is still half of the shit I’m in.
Half I don’t even know how to describe or write down in words.
I’m slowly losing it..... I’m, I’m totally zoned out as if I’m on a drug where I’m alive, I’m breathing, I’m living but I totally have an idea that nothing is well...
I laugh, I talk, I smile but deep down I know I’m losing it.
I know I’m never going to get someone who would love me like Him but I even know that after marriage things won’t be the same. Each time I see him in my house, I know there’s another drama taking place. It isn’t the same anymore. It hurts! It hurts to be this hurt. It hurts that everything’s falling apart. It hurts been an adult and feeling so old and unloved.
Its crazy what love can you.
It can either make you – Either Destroy you
I don’t want to live but I have to live because I have DREAMS of my own. But it’s difficult, it’s difficult when you want someone you love to love someone else because they deserve better.
I want him to move on..... I want him to find someone better!
Someone way better than a selfish girl like me.
I just want to be happy and let everyone around me be happy.
I don’t even have a best friend to let things out too completely, I’m not happy about it but I’m not sad either but I guess everyone needs a best friend to vent out to and ask for the right path when lost.
I don’t even know how to put my scenario in words or explain but I don’t even know whether you’ll understand but I’m losing myself.