Life's a roller coaster ride, but mine isn't even going like one.
So, I don’t know if you’ll read it or no but things have been pretty rough lately.
I’m so used to not showing what I’m into that sometimes I actually get scared. What if I never get to know when I’m actually happy or when am I actually sad. Everything is so weird and confusing and….. I don’t know.
I now a days don’t even know what I’m thinking about but the scenario I witnessed will always haunt me, dramatically.
So he came over a few weeks ago……
I met him on my way down stairs and he handed me food (I come from a middle class family and I certainly know what value food holds, I wouldn’t never throw it. Would rather give it to the dogs or cats instead….) I didn’t say no to it but I took it after refusing countless times and he said “I didn’t eat, I saved it for you, don’t refuse.” I took it, said thanks and went to the van.
Day went by….. I got home by 6pm.
I kept the food in the fridge which he had given, I said to myself “I’ll have it with Thaison”
We say Prayers at 7pm in my house. Mom, me and Dad and Thaison ofcourse.
There was a knock at the door; I left the Prayers and I went to see who that was, t’was Morris. He said I’m here to pick up my things I told him come inside, my parents were saying Prayers and I took him in the other room. Handed him his things, my dog was with me……
I opened the fridge, I handed him the food he had bought me in the morning and I told him “you eat it at work, I’m on a diet so I couldn’t. I’m sorry” He got pissed.
He approached again for a chance, “I need a chance I swear everything will be like before and this time better than before”
I refused I said “No, I’m good”, he started slapping himself really bad, it was an insane view. I wouldn’t ever forgive myself for what I saw because it was cause of me…….. He took the food & He threw it away……………
That time I went blank cause I would never ever think about throwing food like this, I mean we earn for Food. Why would you even…. I told him to leave without saying a word………... He left.
Well, he hitting himself was very scary……… He punched his fist on the wall countless times, he slapped himself countless times and man, it was all cause of me………
He apologized for throwing the food out that night….. But I honestly didn’t like it.
I harmed myself that day, until today I harm myself everyday………. I’ve never cried this hard not even when someone so close to me died but that day, that night, I actually cried. I thought I would go mad, I guess I did lose it though, I felt the anxiety, that blood rush, that warmth when everything is wrong. I wanted to kill myself that night……. I almost, almost did. I have marks over my hands, I was to jump off my balcony. I in fact even sat there on the grill. But it was too dark and scary…… If only I would had slipped I wouldn’t have been writing this useless piece of crap.
He’s been messaging me for a chance, for a new beginning. But now, I don’t even know if I’ll ever feel loved again. Like ever.
I don’t even know what love is anymore.
I liked a guy, he played me. He knew I liked him.
I liked another guy, he played me. He never knew I liked him
I like someone else but I’m never going to let him play me……..Cause he won’t ever know that I like him, neither would anyone.
All this isn’t even stressing me out. The main that is stressing me out is something way different than whatever written.
Being the only child I think, he thinks I’ve completed destroyed myself.
I am stubborn, I back answer, I have mood swings, I have my tantrums, I waste a lot of money over shoes, clothes, tattoos, piercings, animals, food! I waste a lot of money over People.
I don’t even know how to explain……….
I’m 26, not settled, don’t have a boyfriend, the guy I’m looking at doesn’t even know I exist, the other guy I think shall be worth it, is not willing to get into a relationship, I guess, I’m not too sure but I obviously don’t want to ask around. Not really interested but he’s a gem, I’m sure.
My cousin is getting married in January, my other cousin is getting engaged in January and my family is landing down from Bahrain, Canada, America, Dubai & Kuwait for these two things. My dad had things planned for me too cause even my family when they had come 2 years ago asked me “when is your stuff happening, we’re coming down in 2020. Please get things done, it’ll be fun we all are going to be here” & I swear if nothing works out and just for people not to question my dad I would do anything in this world cause I know if people question him, it’ll definitely hurt and I can’t see that.
In that case, I’ll just go ahead with what doesn’t even make me happy, an arrange engagement with just anyone. If not, I won’t let myself turn 27
You better read the entire thing okay, it’s 951 words long. Never knew I could write or fall in love with writing.