A Writer's Cramp entry August 18, 2019 728 Words
I have a confession to make and a story to tell. You see I wasn't always a real nice person. I still have moments when anger surges through me but I manage it much better today. At one time this was not the case. I was impulsive and had a very short fuse.
I had bought a car. It was a 1974 Ford Mustang. It was a beautiful car and I was very proud of it. It had a problem though. The power steering pump was bad in it. I was just a simple man and did not have the means to have it fixed so I had to try to do it myself. I managed to get the pump in but could not line up the bolts. It turned out it was a two person job essentially. One held the thing in place and another started the bolt. Well, I had nobody to help and I fussed with it for three long days. On the third day I had seen enough of it. I was so angry I wanted to junk the car. I lost it. I begged my brothers to come and help me with it. My brother told me to wait until that evening and he would help me with it.
Being the patient person I was back then I decided to continue working on it. I was angry that my brother did not take the five minutes needed to start the bolt right then. I should have known to wait and walk away but pride and anger were in control. I worked on it for a few more minutes and exploded! I yanked the power steering pump from under the hood and like an idiot tossed it through the windshield! Yes. That was really smart!
My brother heard the commotion and came out. "Now look what you've done you idiot! Now you not only have a bad pump but your windshield is ruined. Why, I think I will just give you the ass whipping you deserve for that one!"
He walked over to where I was and slapped me about half silly. I knew I had been stupid so I did not even raise a defense. In the process of kicking my backside he broke my nose. Now I had a bad power steering pump, broken windshield, and broken nose. I also had one very angry brother who had lost all respect and all patience with me.
I went to the emergency room and had my nose x-rayed. The doctor said to just let it heal on its own. When I got home two of my brothers had put the pump in for me. I was going to take the car to a friend and have a windshield put in it, feeling quite ashamed of myself. My brother then dropped the real bombshell on me. "Your power steering pump was not the problem. The rack and pinion is going out of your car. I pray you don't take it on yourself to fix that too. I'd hate to see you throw it through your windshield!"
I finally ended up selling the car to the junkyard and buying another one. My brother went with me to pick one out. "I want to make sure you buy a decent car," he said. "I'd lose sleep thinking you were trying to do your own repairs!"
I learned a lot from that incident. It wasn't too long afterwards that I quit using drugs, which had contributed to my temper. I stayed clean for almost five years and then relapsed for another ten years. The relapse of course brought my anger to the forefront and I could not stand myself. I realized my biggest "fix it yourself" problem was my drug addiction. I went into recovery on February 9, 2009 and have been clean since. Recovery made me take a real hard look at what was causing the anger I felt. I had to deal with it. Between recovery and a real good therapist I have overcome most of my demons. They are still there, ready to throw another power steering pump but today I have learned my triggers. I have also learned to walk away. I could easily become the person I once was but thank God I no longer have to live that way. Recovery and sanity are beautiful!