Letter Written for the Bard's Hall Contest December 2020
Dear Family , Friends, Acquaintances, and Anyone Else I Haven't Pissed Off This Year,
ATTENTION ANYONE I HAVE PISSED OFF: If I have pissed you off and you have received this letter. I am not apologizing, because It is your own fault for not letting me know when, where, and how I pissed you off.
As the weirdest year, in the last two-hundred and twenty thousand years draws to a catastrophic and hilarious end, I have decided to step out of my comfort and sanity zone. Therefore, I am writing this letter to let everyone, in the known and the unknown universe, know how I survived lockdown, social distancing, and the presidential election without going completely bonkers; and running naked down the Las Vegas Strip shouting "The aliens are coming! The aliens are coming!"
Firstly, every time I left my apartment, I wore the mask. In fact, I think I wore that damn mask more than I did my damn bra.
Secondly, instead of hoarding toilet paper, I hoarded chocolate. I know that most people believe that, during the Zombie Apocalypse, throwing rolls of toilet paper at zombies will frighten them away. This is not true! The only thing throwing a roll of toilet paper will do is piss a zombie off. Especially if you knock its head off with the toilet paper.
Chocolate, on the other hand, can be used to bribe the zombies. After all, everyone craves chocolate. What most people do not understand about zombies, is that once they join the undead, their craving for chocolate and chocolate by products increases two thousand and twenty times. That is one reason, zombies consume brains. Our brains remember the high we get from eating chocolate, and the moment the zombie begins eating its victims brain the chocolate endorphins kick in and give the zombie a chocolate high.
Thirdly, I attempted to make people smile. I did this by not color coordinating my clothes with my mask when I left the house. I know I probably pissed off a few clotheshorses and fashionistas, but I am also sure that I made a lot of people smile or laugh hysterically under their masks. I know I was laughing hysterically.
What good things happened in 2020? California did not slide off into the ocean because of earthquakes. This made a lot of people in Las Vegas happy. Despite the fact that many people here would like beach front property. Tourists from California helps our economy, because many Californians come here over the weekend. While they are here the feed the one-armed bandits and leave a lot of their hard earned cash at the gaming tables.
None of the imprisoned aliens escaped from Area 51. At least, none that the Homeland Security Officials are willing to admit. If you walk down the Las Vegas Strip, sometimes you will meet aliens from the Star Trek or Star Wars Universes. However, those encounters are blamed on either actors or a space-time warp opening up in one of the casino parking garages.
What bad things happened in 2020? The drains in my apartment complex were stopped up for several days. It took the plumber, hired by the leasing office, a couple days and two different pieces of equipment, to unstop the sewer line leading from the complex. The plumbers had to turn the water, to the entire complex, off while the worked on the drains. What, or rather who, was the cause of this disaster? A single man living in the complexes only studio apartment.
It was only after finding one of the items he flushed down the drain, backed up in our bathtub, that we figured out what caused the stopped up sewer line. He flushed his one-time wearable rubber devices down his toilet stool. I do not know if there is a warning on the packages these items come in that tell their purchasers not to flush them down the drains, but there should be.
Wishing you a hilarious and well masked New Year!
Snow, the Elf No Longer on the Shelf