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Rated: E · Short Story · Comedy · #2255632
Prompt: I'm accused of a crime and must argue my case to a judge and jury. 500 words go!
         The Accused: "Ahem, good morning members of the jury and your eminence. No? Oh, I should call you your honour, or judge? Oh, okay, sorry. I'm a little nervous. I've never been comfortable with public speaking."
         Judge: "You are not speechifying sir. You are presenting your opening statement. Please proceed."
          "All right. I'm here to answer to the change , I mean charge of solidarity. What the...? Excuse me, solicitation. Damn auto-correct! Whoops, my bad, Darn. Sorry your honour, I apologize. I'm Canadian, eh."
         "I'll allow you some leniency, but please get on with it. Stop the apologizing. I'll advise the court it's implied."
          "Thank you judge. Let me just repeat, I'm sorry. This is a new experience for me. I had to organize my thoughts on my tablet. Da - darn thing has a mind of its own. I saved this word to emphasize my feelings re the unwarranted charge,applied , I am ... sigh, appalled."
         "Perhaps you could put aside your gadget. Speak directly to the court."
         "Already done your honour. As I was saying, I had to look up the meaning of solicitation. I'm still in shock. I did no such thing."
         "Did you not approach a young woman at a bus stop and ask her and I quote, "how are you?" Then you commented, "I'd like a ride." Did you not say these words, sir?"
         "As I mentioned, I'm Canadian. How are you is a common greeting. I had no idea she was an undercover officer. What did she think I meant? As for the ride bit, I wanted to put her mind at ease. I stood there waiting for my ride, my uber driver. I needed to be picked up. I was not trying to pick her up."
         "So, your version of events is that the officer misconstrued your clumsy attempts at conversation?"
         "Yes, your honour. That Miss is mistaken. She did tell me she was available though."
         "And what was your reply?"
         "I told her I had my usual guy take care of my needs."
         "At this point did you not move closer to her? Do you not know what an innuendo is, sir?"
         "I admit I moved closer to her. I had trouble hearing her. She spoke into her chest with her head down."
         "What you're describing is an exchange, am I correct, sir?"
         "Where I'm from it's called being polite."
         "Is it polite to share with a young lady that you cannot wait to go to bed? What was she to infer from that?"
          "She stated she'd like to get off her feet and, yes, I said I'd like that, too. I mentioned my comfy new mattress. She said they were good for two things, one of which is to hide money. I asked, how much? At that moment uniformed officers ran up to me and slammed me into the bus shelter."
         "Is that it?"
         "I'm sorry my small talk is considered criminal."
( 488 words )
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