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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2267388-Ornithologist-Ostrasized
Rated: E · Article · Comedy · #2267388
An article from the June 29, 2020 issue of The Local Gnus --- It's always local somewhere.
         Woodrow Peckington, a noted ornithologist with the local ornithological society, has been ousted for a major error (an ostrich-sized oversight) which is alleged to have damaged the reputation and credibility of the society.
         Peckington was head of the society's road team which is seeking to determine the reason(s) Gallus gallus crosses the road. Last year, Peckington conducted a study of more than 400 free-range Gallus. From his data, he concluded that of the 400, 392 crossed simply to reach the other side. Because all 392 individuals were chicken-brained, only 27 actually succeeded. Of those, 22 started back across immediately, but only four succeeded. The four successful individuals were treated for whiplash caused by jerking their heads from side to side. They were then transported to a local poultry farm owned by Tom Pullet, for further research to determine how tender and tasty they were. Results of the study should be available after supper.
         Of the eight individuals which crossed the road for reasons other than just to get to the other side, Peckington concluded that three had attempted to cross in order to have a reason to jerk their heads back and forth, two crossed because they forgot which side they were on to begin with, and one seemed to be researching automobile bumpers.
         One individual which sat down and laid an egg without attempting to cross at all was not counted in the research, and it was this serious oversight which has called into question the integrity of the society and led to Peckington's getting the axe.
          More research by other society members has established that 390 individuals from the initial study were crossing in search of suitable nesting sites. Therefore, reaching the other side was not really their prime motivation.
         The society has launched a new $2.7 million study to determine why the 390 individuals believed that better nesting sites were to be found on the other side. A $150K side-study will seek to determine why the remaining two individuals crossed the road.

It has reached the society's attention that there are people in this country who wish to follow the course of these studies. Both of you should contact the society at its headquarters on Straw Lane.
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