A letter to Pelosi requesting aid money to help the hard-pressed Bigfoot in Gilbert PA.
|Dear Madam Speaker:
I am the official chairwoman of the Gilbert PA Bigfoot Society. Of late, we are hard-pressed, Bigfoots don't understand that the cost of Cheerios, Apples, Carrots, etc. are rising daily, and do not tighten their belts, or wear them. please send aid money $$$
There is a very real concern of Bigfoots looting and breaking into homes due to the fact that people stopped feeding them. It's mayhem I tell you!!! Why, just the other day, I came back home to find a bigfoot in my kitchen pouring himself coffee while eating my Pop-Tarts. My husband had a fit. No one touches his coffee, not even Bigfoot. This, of course, led to an all-out death match between my husband and a Bigfoot in my house.
Now I have to pay for bigfoot's medical expenses, as my husband gave Bigfoot a concussion with my Cast Iron fry pan, as well as several lacerations that required stitches. Nancy, have you ever tried stitching up a Bigfoot? I had to get him drunk which took a whole bottle of Captain Morgan's. I was saving that bottle to make next year's Holiday Fruitcake.
Don't you care that Bigfoot are starving, and wreaking havoc upon the good citizens of Gilbert PA? What if it were your house, and your Ice cream freezer being raided by Bigfoot??? Or your booze stash? Bigfoot love booze, I know. And for Pete's sake, don't send money to aid the Bigfoot in the Ukraine, The Ukrainian Bigfoot don't know how to spend money anyway, the American Bigfoot is a much more clever creature. Madam Speaker. Witnesses have stated they've seen a Bigfoot panhandling outside the local Turkey Hill Minit Market. He has a penchant for their breakfast sammies. This led to a ripple effect of Bigfoot are now getting hooked on cigarettes, as the Turkey Hill are big purveyors of items nicotine, Especially the Black&Mild cigs.. and we'll need extra money to head up a Bigfoot Anti-Smoking campaign, although there's something to be said about the Majestic Bigfoot holding a Black&mild against the Pocono Mountain moonlight. Nevertheless, it's just not good for them, or us. Have you ever encountered a Bigfoot who's in need of a nicotine fix? It's not pretty. For one thing, they get nasty. One came up to me while I was hanging laundry and tried to bum a cigarette, and I don't smoke. He said if I didn't give him Black7Milds, he was going to take my laundry in lieu of smokes. Now we have a cross-dressing Bigfoot on our hands, Madam Speaker, and it's your fault!!! FYI: Bigfoot don't speak, they communicate telepathically and through sign language.
I'm normally a well-mannered woman, But the suffering I've seen, the broken coffee pots, head injuries, fecal-stained walls, it's just too much. This is why I ask that you send me 25 million dollars, which is what we need to cover the current and projected future expenses caused by the very real Bigfoot crises. it doesn't help that people fed up with leftist-run cities are seeking sanctuary here in Pennsylvania. Bigfoot are very territorial, and resent the many New Yorkers encroaching on his PA territory. Archibald, the Bigfoot who practically lives here with us, Has a new hobby, that of ripping off any NYC lic plates he comes across, and he hoards them in our shed. I told him that is wrong, He should take the entire car. Now, I have driving lessons to pay for. Have you ever tried to teach a Bigfoot to drive? I am in that process, and with Bigfoot, it's monkey-see, monkey-do. Now I have heards of Bigfoot on a waiting list to have driving lessons. Archibald is a good enough driver, But I'm not sure about letting him teach other Bigfoot to drive yet.
Well, this snowballed into a very long "dossier", and so I will end this request right here with a warning:
Bigfoot are not going to take "NO" for an answer. It's going to be a bloodbath Nancy, unless you send aid money very soon. If the dealmaker is having the Bigfoot vote Democrat, that's a "No", as they've already said they're all Conservatives.
Anonymous in Gilbert PA